Page 3 of All the Promises We Break

I shake my head. “No.” My voice cracks at the end as my shoulders shake.

“If you can’t show me, at least let it go.”

“You almost did break. I can’t let. It. Go.”

“Viper, you have to. It’s eating you up inside. It’s just you and me. We’re home. I’m healing. I need to hear what’s in your head.”

Elijah holds the back of my head, gently pressing my cheek into his chest. I say the first thing that comes to my mind over the sobs. “I hate you.”

I can feel his body vibrate with a subtle chuckle before he responds. “You hate me. That’s what this is all about?”

“No. It’s not. Don’t laugh at me. I hate you for making me less independent. I hate you for making me depend on someone. I hate you for making me love you then almost lose you.”

“Let me make sure I understand. You hate me because you love me.”

“Yes.” I say that both as a question and a statement.

I can feel Eli looking down at me. I want to see his face but I’m not sure I’m ready for him to see mine. He gently tilts my chin up to look at him. His eyes are a mix of happiness, sadness,confusion, and love. “One thing at a time, Viper. Just one. Why do you think you’re less independent?”

“My parents didn’t really give a shit about what made me happy or filled my soul. Eli, you think about that for me more than I do. That was made crystal clear today by having Jill Wallace show up after I missed the first audition. You knew who to call and cared enough to make the plea for me.”

“I asked my father for help. I knew that one of our board members is highly connected in her circle. I didn’t feel I had enough of a relationship with her yet to ask if she knew Jill or knew of a friend who did. So, my father made the connection and the rest, they say, is history.”

“No one close to me has cared that much about my dancing before.”

“Then they don’t love you like I do. One of the benefits of growing up in a family like I did was that I had perfect role models for love. I studied love in all my philosophy classes, but my living case studies are my parents and grandparents. When one of them had a dream, it was both of them who fought for it.

“AnSa wouldn’t be what it is without Gran and Mom. Pops knows that and so does my father. I love your pieces where you put so much of your anger, fear, and sadness in them. They’re raw but so filled with this energy I can’t describe. I want to be a witness to when you soar inside as much as you do on the outside. I want to see you rehearse for your next chapter.”

“How do you know what my next chapter looks like when I don’t?”

He holds me back at arm’s length. “Are you telling me you don’t want to dance for Jill?” His eyes dart back and forth, like he’s trying to solve a code just beyond his capability. He looks as confused on the outside as I feel on the inside.

“No. I’m not saying that. It’s just that it’s so real now. Everything is real.

“Playing became passion which is becoming permanent. I’m excited by that. I feel like this is my second chance in so many ways.

“Eli, I just need to take this step by step. Your health and recovery is first.”

“What comes second, Viper? What? Don’t use me as a crutch not to look ahead. That’s not fair to me. It’s bullshit, actually.”

“Bullshit? My fear is bullshit. Good to know.” I fling my legs out of his lap. My feet hit the concrete of his balcony with a thud. The bottom of my wine glass scrapes along a groove as I pick it up in haste. The long sips I take as I walk coat my throat, raw from tears that still flow even in my anger.

“Dylan, stop!” My name vibrates off a couple of nearby buildings and echoes in front of me. I let my arm fall to my side with the empty glass still in my hand. I catch Eli’s reflection in the window to our right. His fingers are pressed over his closed eyelid just inches from his scar.

I turn back quickly to make sure I’m seeing things right. “Eli? What’s wrong?”

“Instant karma for raising my voice. Headache behind my eye.”

After setting the glass on the bistro table, I walk over to him and kneel down by his feet. “Let me take you inside.”

“I don’t want to go back to bed. We need to sort this out.”

“Come inside and we’ll curl up on the couch. It’s quieter and I promise I’ll talk.” I take his elbow softly, tugging for him to get up. After a moment he finally does. “This is my fault too.”

Elijah shuffles slowly inside to the comfort of the couch. I become his pillow as his head rests gently down in my lap. My fingers run in a lazy circular pattern over his forehead for nearly five minutes before he speaks again. “I’ve watched you for months. I’ve listened to everything you’ve ever said. You don’t think you can have it all. I know we can. May I tell you how?

“Graduation is just a couple short months away. You’ll feel better once that’s settled. I see you being the principal dancer you want, but also do something else I know fills you up. I’ve seen the same determination with what you’ve given to the Roark Foundation and your branch of it. It combines your dance with helping others.

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