Page 13 of Cross To Bear

“He’s not good enough for you.” The smile faded and something naked, vulnerable rose in his eyes. “Not the other way around.” He shook his head slowly. “Jesse’s a sweet kid, but… He’s a fuckup. Always has been, though it’s worse than that. I can be a fuckup sometimes, but I own my shit and learn from my mistakes. Jesse… the world sweeps in and fixes everything for him and so he thinks it’s all just part of the fun.” He shrugged. “I guess you’ve just gotta be clear if that’s the kind of life you want.”

“What other kind of life is there?” I hadn’t meant to ask that, though when I did, I forged on. “Every woman I know picks up after their partners, does most of the housework.” I thought of the chatter I heard around the break room every lunch time. “Most of the child rearing, while working a full time job.”

I let out a long sigh.

“Like, I’m grateful for feminism. Forced to sit at home and be the little woman would kill me, but…” I frowned. “Sometimes it feels like all we’ve gotten is more work. CEO in the streets, nympho in the sheets and then wander down the hall to be a present and attentive mummy.” I stared at him then, taking in the angular shape of his face. “How’s any woman supposed to do all of that alone?”

“You don’t.” He glanced over at me, holding my eyes far too long. “You find a partner, and I mean that in the true sense of the word. Someone who’s there with you every step of the way. Who doesn’t swoop in and save you. Who doesn’t ask for a pat on the head every time they do the bare minimum. No, better than that.”

He needed to be looking at the road, not me, a vaguely hysterical voice in the back of my head screamed, though I couldn’t look away, not as he spoke with such passion.

“Someone who’s on the journey with you, who’s assessing what needs to be done in what order right alongside you. Fuck…” I jolted at the sudden sharpness of his voice. “Maybe someone who’s got it all sorted before you even realise it needs to be done.”

“Is that what you’re like?” I squeaked, glad and sad in turns when he turned back to focus on the road. “Because I know some single ladies in the office who would line up for hours just to hear you talk like that, let alone go on a date.”

He shook his head, that reckless smile back, but there was something sad to it now.

“I’d be no good to them, Maddie. I’ve been in love with a girl for some time.”

Why did my chest feel tight? My hand moved of its own volition, clawing at my sternum.

“And doesn’t she want a partner in life? Someone who’ll solve all her problems before she even realises it’s an issue?”

“She’s someone else’s girl, is what she is,” he said, his head tilting slightly as he flicked on the indicator, waiting to pull into my apartment complex. “And until she’s free and clear, I can’t do anything but hang around the periphery, make sure she’s OK, and be clear that I’d do anything to help her be happy—with me…” He let out a sigh. “Or without me.”

Somehow that made me feel better, that we were both sad. Misery loves company, I guess. I nodded to myself and then opened the door, heading towards the lift. And that’s when I faced my first problem. If Crash seemed massive in my itty bitty car, he seemed to absorb all the space in the lift as he stepped in. He settled against the back wall, not far from me, though felt so much closer. The man was so damn huge, but it was more than that. It was the nonchalant way he rested his back against the mirror of the lift as we watched the floors tick by on the screen. He moved those tattooed hands, one clasping the wrist of the other. Jesse had all the rizz, though there was something else about Crash, and all my staring caught his notice. His eyes rolled down and smirked at me.

“That one,” Mal had said, jabbing me in the ribs when the guys had come into the office the first time to get their tax done. “He looks like he’d take you out somewhere nice then throw you around the bedroom like a little fuckdoll, change your oil and rotate your tyres as you smoke a cigarette afterwards.”

“That is an oddly specific scenario,” I said, shaking my head. “But these are all very close friends of my boyfriend.”

“Boy is the word.” She shook her head. “You don’t need a boy, sweetie.” Her elbow nudged me. “You need a man.”

Well, whoever Crash’s mystery girl was, she was an idiot for not ditching her guy and taking him up on his offer. A massive, sexy as fuck biker mechanic, with full sleeve tattoos and a soft dom kink for looking after a woman? That had to be every girl’s wet dream, right?

Chapter 9

Crash

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fucking fuck. Operation Maddie was supposed to be about helping make her feel comfortable, to process the transition out of the relationship with Jesse, if that’s what she decided. It was about supporting her. So how the fuck did I end up spilling my guts about how fucking into her I was? The muscle in my jaw was jumping because my fangs were clenched so fucking tight, and I… I sucked in a breath, feeling the bear shove hard against the bonds that kept him down, and then turned to Maddie.

“My mum taught me the right end of a mop handle.” She unlocked the door of her apartment and then ushered me in. “Just show me…”

I couldn’t finish the sentence because anyone with eyes could see where we were needed. The stink of eggs filled the kitchen, though it looked like she’d already disposed of them. Maddie’s nose wrinkled, and she waved her hand through the air to dispel the smell.

Time to be a man of my word.

I went over to the windows, popping them open then turning on all the fans. The sliding door that led out onto the balcony was pulled aside, the smell of city air better than that of burnt eggs.

“So where do you keep the buckets and cleaning materials?” I asked.

“You don’t already know?” A dimple popped in her cheek when she smiled. “It’s fine, Crash. I can—”

“Can, yes.” I put a hand on her shoulder when she went to bustle away, trying real fucking hard not to think about how good it felt touching her. “Need to do all of this on your own?”

I swallowed hard, the bear inside me raging. That we had allowed this shit to happen. That Maddie found herself in this situation and we’d stood by and not done a thing. That we weren’t pulling her close, sinking our nose in her hair, and breathing in the burnt flower of her scent until we had it by heart, then fixing everything. I promised him the last part, showing him the way it would be: Maddie relaxing on the couch, her scent sweetening as we fixed everything.

That settled him.

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