Page 114 of Dr. Brandt

Now I was a bit concerned because Cameron was falling over his words too much, and Natalia was every woman’s envy of a natural goddess. Her unshakable confidence was the icing on the cake. The woman was a unique personality, to be sure, but she was also sincerely a fun, likable woman.

“Cameron, we’re broken up, and Nat is like every man’s dream. It’s okay if you—”

“I didn’t, and no, it’s not okay, and it would not be okay if I were with another woman. Aside from being focused on Jacks and his recovery, I gave my heart to you and only you. I don’t just take that shit back.”

Fuck, that escalated quickly.

“Cameron, I know it seems like that’s what I did, but—”

“Isn’t it, though, Jess? Isn’t that what you did by shutting down on me, as if we had nothing, and jumping back into the arms of the man who made you feel safe?”

If I hadn’t had these last thirty minutes or so with Elena for her to open my brain up and pull out some trauma issues I’d been dealing with in all my past relationships, then I wouldn’t have known how to answer Cameron.

I crossed the room and took his hand, leading him to the sofa. Once we sat, I twisted and hugged him. I felt tears in my eyes as I inhaled Cameron’s robust scent. I’d missed it terribly.

“I love you more than words, Jessa,” he said, his lips gently pressing into my neck while his sturdy arms pulled me tightly into him. “I miss you. I’m sorry this happened to us, and I lost you to him.”

I pulled back. “No,” I shook my head and locked eyes with his sapphire blue ones, “you didn’t lose me to him, Cameron.” I ran my hand along the dark scruff on his face, “You lost me to my fears and the need to heal from the pain in my past.”

He looked at me with a confused smile. “You sound like you’ve been talking to Elena,” he said.

“How would you know?” I chuckled.

“The whole lost to fears and healing from pain and past issues. That has Dr. Elena Brooks written all over it.”

I grinned, “It’s the truth, though. Thank God I did talk to her because if I hadn’t, I’d probably be wearing my engagement ring again, playing the victim and living comfortably miserable for the rest of my life.”

“I could see any woman being miserable with that dick,” he said, and I silenced him with a smile, placing a finger over his perfect lips.

“I know,” I said. “However, that’s all Warren has ever been to me, really. He’s someone who took care of Jacks and me when I knew I couldn’t have you. When you left me in college, it only messed me up so badly because I dealt with shit like that from my parents.” I exhaled, still shocked that Elena had pulled this shit out of my head so quickly. No wonder St. John’s hired her as their top neuropsychologist. The woman was practically a soul-reader or something.

“In the home where I grew up, I was made to understand that my feelings weren’t valid. When my parents wanted me to do something, I had to do it no matter how it made me feel. There were times when I rebelled against that but going against their rule meant being cut off from them for years.”

“You’ve never said a bad thing about your parents, Jessa. But then again, you never really talked about them at all.”

“I know, it was best not to bring them up because if I did, I would get upset or anxious. The one time I stood up to them was when I got pregnant with Jacks. I thought I could go to them for advice, for help.”

“And?”

“And they told me I needed to contact you, hold you accountable, and not let you off so easily by letting you dump me to pursue your dreams. They insisted that you and your parents had money, and long story short, they thought I should make you suffer for getting me pregnant, not them.”

“Jesus,” he said, reaching down to hold my fidgeting hands.

“This made much more sense when Elena pulled it out of my head, so bear with me.”

“I’m just sorry I put you in a position to be told that by your parents. I feel like the biggest piece of shit alive over that.”

“Speaking of apologies, that’s probably why all I’ve done since you’ve seen me again is apologize for things. Not only did my parents make me feel ashamed about my actions, but Warren jumped in there and picked up where they took off. I’ve always felt responsible for everyone’s feelings and comfort, but not my own. People-pleasing was all I knew. So, when you got me out and kept me out of that zone, taking me on trips and pampering me, that was foreign to me. It felt wrong,” I felt my voice lower. It was so weird how things that had happened in my life affected me so profoundly, and I never saw that it was unhealthy. “I felt guilty for being with you because everything was about me.”

“It’ll always be about you, Jessa. You’re my lady, and—”

“I’m going to lose my train of thought,” I laughed and cut him off. “When you made life about what I wanted, it felt wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it, but deep down, there was guilt. And when Jacks got into trouble, and I wasn’t there because I was doing something for me, all those buried guilty feelings exploded to the surface. I freaked, and in my mind, I believed Warren was the one who could make me feel right about dealing with Jacks and the medical issues. In my mind, Warren was responsible because he didn’t put me first. He put himself and his accomplishments first, making me believe that was a healthy way to live. In reality, Warren was putting work first for himself, and I was expected to respect that and appreciate that because work bankrolled a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and medical care for my son. There was no love. There was no happiness. It was a very lonely relationship, and strangely enough, I was comfortable being lonely like that.”

“Shit, Jessa.”

“All that said to say this,” I turned my hands to hold his. “I was scared, Cameron. I wasn’t raised in an environment where I had my voice heard or my feelings validated. All I’ve ever known to do was to make everyone else happy but me. I’m happy when they’re happy if that makes sense.”

“Makes perfect sense, beautiful,” he said. “You were afraid of making me unhappy if you told me about the pregnancy because it would interfere with my career.”

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