Page 115 of Dr. Brandt

“I would’ve ruined your life, Cam. We both know you would not have been the surgeon you are today.” I rubbed my forehead, “Can you imagine where all those children would be, especially our son if I would’ve told you that I was pregnant? And what if—”

“No more what if’s, Jessa. People have worried themselves into early graves over the statement what if. I’ve missed too much of my son’s life and nearly lost you again because of it too.” He repositioned himself to face me better. “I know I placed you in a position to question everything, but you aren’t responsible for my feelings or reactions. I hate that you felt responsible for all of that.”

“Well, I did become estranged from my parents for about four years because of it,” I laughed. “And it made me think I’d found love with Warren, but it’s not just all that. It’s my baggage, my damage, and I just need to start owning it now instead of casting blame or trying to please everyone but myself by doing what they want instead of what I want.”

“Is that why you’re still with Warren?”

“It’s why I have to move on from Warren,” I said. “I need to take this time to heal. To heal alone, and to heal with our son.”

His once hopeful expression grew somber. “Somehow, I was hoping all these revelations would bring you back to me.”

I felt tears in my eyes again. “Cam, you don’t want me like this. Trust me. I’m damaged, seriously, and I’m not just saying that. I will hurt you, if not now, then later. Something else will come up, and I will blame myself for trusting you when you put me first and loved me the right way. I must face things and learn to be strong on my own. The very fact that I ran back to Warren when the storm hit me full blast is enough to tell me that I would do it again. And it’s not because I don’t love you; it’s because I don’t really love me.”

“I don’t agree with that,” he said.

“I didn’t want to either, but it makes too much sense not to be true. How can I honestly say I love myself when I allow other people’s happiness to overrule my own? That’s not self-love, and even now, when I see this look of sadness on your face, I feel responsible for it. And knowing that I’ll hurt you until I’m healed makes me want to take back everything I just said so that I can end your suffering.”

I didn’t know if what I was saying made sense. It made sense when Elena pulled it all out of my head, though. She laid it all out like a puzzle, and I needed to put the pieces back together again. I had to stop living like this even though I knew no other way, especially because I knew no other way.

Even now, it was killing me that Cam wanted me back, and as much I wanted to be with him too, I knew I needed time to figure out how I would start putting myself first.

“Hurt people, hurt people,” Cameron said. Then, as if a light had been flipped on, he looked at me with a smile. “I will support any decision you make, but know this, Jessica Stein: if you plan to stay single for the rest of your life, then I’m going to be the old bachelor living in the single-wide trailer across the street, hitting on you while you prune your rose bushes every day.”

“I never said I wanted to be single for the rest of my life,” I answered with a laugh. “And even if I am, I can’t imagine my billionaire-ex living in a single-wide trailer across the street.”

“Oh, you’d be shocked at how us crazy-rich people roll,” he laughed. “We go incognito all the time. Besides, those trailers can be very nice.”

I patted his hand and rose. “Thank you,” I said, hugging him after he stood with me, “for understanding.”

He kissed the top of my head. “I’m doing my best to understand, which means I’ll be kicking Collin’s ass for allowing his wife to pull my girl farther away from me,” I felt him laugh as I pulled away.

“Cam, this isn’t her fault.”

“Jessa,” he said as he smiled down at me, “I know it’s not her fault, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to give her hell for it. However,” he arched his eyebrow and smiled at me, “I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere. When you’re ready, and I pray to God that it will be soon, I’m ready to show you the love I know you deserve. I just wish I could help you on this journey.”

“You’re helping me by being understanding. I need to see my potential, doing things for our son and me without leaning on anyone else. I just need to figure shit out on my own.”

“And Jacks?”

“If you have days that you’re not at the hospital and want him to be with you, then I know nothing would make him happier.”

“And Warren?”

“He’ll be more difficult than you’re being, that’s for sure. But I’m positive he’ll move back to New York.”

“Jessa, if you don’t have a place to live—”

“I’ll figure this out, Cam,” I said. “This is all part of the healing journey so I can be the best version of myself and have a promising future for a solid, equal relationship.”

“I understand. As I said, I’m here for anything you need. I love you for putting yourself first, even if it means kicking me in the balls.”

I felt him laugh, but I hugged him tighter. I was scared shitless. I didn’t want to lose Cam, but I knew now why I pushed him away and ran back to Warren as I had. Things in my childhood and previous relationships made me nearly marry a man I’d be miserable with just to say I had a hero.

Now, I was almost thirty-eight years old, and I had no direction. All I knew to do was to take care of Jacks, and up until recently, be a support system to Warren. How would I ever take these first steps? I didn’t know where to start, but I hoped it would come to me.

Chapter Forty-Seven

Cam

---