Page 62 of Daring Enzo

"Is it why you're here and not with her?" I ask gently, trying to piece together the situation.

"Yeah," Ruben replies, his voice strained. He seems lost, grappling with the repercussions of his actions.

Ruben's attire is casual today, sporting a simple t-shirt and jeans. His hands fidget with a rag as he struggles to share the ordeal.

"You should be there for her, Ruben. That's what she needs right now." I offer a faint smile, hoping to uplift his spirits as I place a hand on his shoulder.

We both hear rushed footfalls and turn to the door just as Laurel bursts in the center, her expression a mix of frustration and mild fear. Her fear quickly dwindles when she spots Ruben, but she seems more aggrieved as she walks up to us.

"Why didn't you wait for me, Ruben?" she inquires, sounding hurt. “We always come together and you always wait for me. I didn’t see you when I came out. I had to walk alone after what happened yesterday!”

Ruben offers a quick apology, attempting to diffuse the situation. "Sorry I didn't wait, Laurel," he says, his tone remorseful, but he doesn’t look at her.

Her fear returns, and Laurel shrinks back. Her black eye is still visible, even though she’s mostly covered it with her hair. I can tell she’s hurting and uncertain.

Oh… no… this is not good. I need to do something.

“Come with me, you two,” I demand, leading them to an empty classroom. I sit down and Ruben follows.

Laurel's gaze flits between Ruben and me as she settles in her seat, her eyes lingering with curiosity. “What’s going on?”

"I need to share something with you," I say, the heaviness of my experiences already creeping into my voice. “I think it will help.”

I’ve been wanting to talk to them, but I knew Ruben wouldn’t have listened. He wasn’t ready to open up to me yet. I was waiting for him to come to me on his own. I knew pushing too hard would just push him away.

I smile at the two, trying to make them comfortable. “You know, watching you two reminds me of my youth. Especially you, Ruben. I know it sounds cringe and clichéd, but you remind me of myself. So tough, determined to conquer the world and protect those I care about. So I wanted to tell you my story.”

I’m ready to talk about it now, but I feel silly. I should have talked about it when Kelly had asked me. Now, I have to remember to keep things light, since I’m talking to kids. I’m trying to give them advice, not trauma dump on them.

"It all started with losing my mom." My voice cracks ever so slightly despite myself as I delve in the dark and haunting memories still torment me.

"She died in front of me; and for the longest time, I couldn’t forgive myself for fail protecting her," I confess, the pain of memory raw, as though it happened yesterday. “I’ve been learning to let go, but it changed my life forever… made me feel like I had something to make up for.”

Laurel leans forward, her expression softening with empathy, while Ruben appears visibly moved by the depth of my vulnerability. I can see from the way they look at each other, they are connecting my words to something in their own lives. I know Ruben is in foster care, but I don’t know the story there. I don’t push. He doesn’t have to share just because I am.

They have to understand the mistakes I've made.

"I became someone I no longer recognize." I take deep a breath, feeling the weight of my history bearing down upon me like a heavy shroud. Dealing with the shame has been the next step of my therapy. “I hurt many women I was supposed to love… in the name of protecting them.”

"Emily," I begin, "the first girl I liked. It was worse with her. At the moment back then, we loved each other. And even though I was hurting her, she still loved me. Until she realized how abusive I was and had to escape."

“She was my first girlfriend," I recount, my voice tinged with remorse. "I didn’t realize until recently, but my actions back hurt her so badly it left lasting scars, despite her finding happiness later in life. I became the point of her trauma. "

The weight of my past actions hangs heavy in the room. Laurel and Ruben exchange glances, silently absorbing the gravity of my confession. It's a heavy load to bear, knowing I've left a mark time hasn't healed.

“I know it might be harder for Laurel to see you as an abuser, Ruben, because she knows you love her, and she’s been through worse… but you love her, don’t you? You wouldn’t want to be another abuser in her life and lose her forever, would you?”

The atmosphere bristles with a charged silence, as Ruben’s face pinches and Laurel looks away as though guilty. It seems she too has made the connection to how Ruben is also hurting her.

“Did you ever make it? In love?” Laurel asks tentatively… hopefully.

My thoughts instantly shift to Kelly, the woman who has etched herself permanently in the tapestry of my life.

Before Kelly, there were others. I talked about them first, perhaps because I was not ready to talk about her. I recount how I had to struggle with jealousy. A gnawing feeling clawed its way into my heart when my partner interacted with other men. It wasn't a conscious decision; it was an unbidden reaction, yet I allowed it to poison the harmony.

The instances where I struggled with communication, shutting down when things got tough instead of facing them head-on. It was easier to withdraw from my shell and keep my feelings bottled up rather than risk vulnerability. How I had become overly controlling. I imposed my preferences and opinions on my partner, failing to respect her choices and individuality. My need for dominance had blurred the lines of mutual respect and equality.

These reflections cast a shadow on my past, revealing the layers of toxicity I had contributed to each relationship. I’m humbled by the awareness it was not just one facet but a myriad of flaws I carried with me, unknowingly affecting those I cared about deeply.

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