Page 9 of Our Ruined Beginnings

A bitter laugh slips past my lips, and Kinsley shudders in a breath.Okay.The last thing I’ve been is okay, but I’m not surprised my mom brushed it under the carpet as that. It’s what she’s good at, after all. Pretending. Floating through life as though the outside world doesn’t exist.

“I thought you hated me,” I whisper, my own eyes filling as I drop my gaze to the floor, scraping my heels over the linoleum. “I thought … I didn’t … I, uh.” Closing my eyes, I heave in a deep breath, holding it for four beats before continuing. “I couldn’t bear to hear you blame me too.” I didn’t care about any of the others taking Madden’s side. When you live in a community of the rich and richer, loyalty is hard to come by. The Taylors and Dickenses have even more money than my family, so even if I hadn’t been the one at fault that night, I have no doubts everyone would have followed their lead either way. But Kinsley would’ve stung. Once upon a time, I would’ve hoped our friendship transcended status and money, and her opinion matters to me.

“Oh, Harper.” She reaches out to me, curling her arms around my frame. “I could never blame you. I’d have come home if I knew. I only found out when we got back last week. I had to see the news in one of the papers that had piled up on the porch while we were gone. You know, it never even crossed my mind to Google to find out what was going on. If I had known, I would never have left. But at least you weren’t alone. How’s Madden been?”

She notices my wince at his name, and the long moment that passes as her question suffocates the air, unanswered. She pulls back a little, taking in the blank expression on my face, and her own drops further.

“He won’t … he doesn’t—” I can’t seem to say out loud he wants nothing to do with me anymore, but Kinsley seems to figure it out from my stuttered half explanation. I see the guilt that swims in her eyes as she begins to realize I didn’t have Madden … that maybe I didn’t have anyone.

A tear rolls over her lashes, and she bites her lip, trying to contain the emotions rolling off her in waves. I’d never even considered that she wouldn’t know what happened. I assumed her silence was because, like everyone else, she wanted nothing to do with me after what I’d done. Not once did I think she didn’t have a clue.

Her family had left straight after graduation to travel Europe for eight weeks, so I knew we wouldn’t talk much over the summer. But with my phone turned off, I had no idea she’d tried to reach out at all.

“I came over as soon as we got back last week. The moment we left the airport, I got in an Uber and went straight to your house, but your dad wouldn’t let me in.”

“Why?” I ask, my nose wrinkling.

“I don’t know. He’s always been an asshole,” she says, her lips pursed in disgust.

“No, I know. I was under house arrest for ‘making a mockeryof the Delaney name,’” I explain. “I mean why did you come over? Why are you here now?”

“Are you serious?” she deadpans, stepping back until her back thumps against the door of the cubicle. “You’re my best friend, Harper. Mybest friend, who went through something traumatic, and I wasn’t there. Of course I was going to come. You didn’t really think I’d abandon you, did you?”

“Why not? Everyone else did.”

“Harper—”

“Can we not? Please? I can’t do this, Kinsley.” My voice cracks, my mind assaulting me with memories of that night. I don’t deserve any of this. Not the sympathy that lingers in her blue irises, nor the support she seems so desperate to give me. There’s a reason the others left me, and while it kills something inside me, I don’t blame them.

If I could leave me too, I would.

Kinsley takes pity on me, nodding as she guides the conversation away, but her pursed lips tell me she isn’t happy about it.

“Fine. But I’m here when you do want to talk about it. And I’m here for you, always. I’m back now, and I’m ready to catch up and do the first semester of college together, like we always planned.”

I laugh bitterly, followed by a heavy sigh. “Yeah … exactly how we planned.”

“Sorry.” She winces, hissing a breath. “I didn’t mean it like that.” She throws an arm over my shoulders before she pushes the door open and leads me out of the stall. “Wanna at least tell me where the guys are? I guess they’re next on my welcome-home tour.”

I flinch at the thought of them, and she narrows her gaze on me. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I can read between the lines. You said you couldn’t bear to hear me blame youtoo,and it looked like it caused you physical pain when I said his name.”

With a shrug, I nudge her away and move to the sink. Cold water springs from the tap the moment I twist it, and I push my wrists under the stream, closing my eyes as the frigid temperature starts to ease the heat that lingers there.

“I don’t even know where to begin with that. We aren’t the same people we were when you left. Everything changed, and now he wants nothing to do with me. And I get it,” I tell her, craning my neck until I meet her gaze. Her brow furrows in confusion, but she waits for me to elaborate. “I understand if you end up choosing him—choosing them,” I continue, not missing the scowl that takes over her lips.

“What are you talking about? Why am I choosing them?”

Breathing out slowly, I turn the tap off and spin to rest my back against the steel counter. I never thought I’d have to have this conversation with my best friend—to tell her it’s okay if she leaves me too, because she will. If she’s standing here right now, then she doesn’t have all the facts about what happened. When she learns them, everything is going to change once again.

“Harper, what the hell is going on? Why are there sides?”

I don’t answer her. I can’t. Instead, I push off the counter and leave the bathroom without a word, ignoring my best friend as she calls out behind me. It’s better this way. Easier. Somebody else can tell her the full story. That way, I won’t have to see the hatred on her face when she learns it was all my fault.

Madden

“What the fuck, Madden?”

Dainty hands slap against my back, rocking me forward in the lunch line. I spin on my heels, and a smirk lifts my lips as I take in the girl standing before me.

---