Page 53 of Our Ruined Beginnings

“Threegames,Mad,”mydad says with a sigh. “And you’re damn lucky that’s all it is.”

I know I’m lucky—that really, I should be kicked out for what I did to my teammate, and it’s only because my dad is old friends with the dean that I wasn’t kicked out of DU and shipped straight back home. He was in Maine for work, which worked in my favor, but still, I can’t bring myself to care. All I can think about is Harper. I want to make sure she’s not scared, that she knows he’s not going to do or say anything else about sleeping with her. No one will; I’ve made sure of it.

“What were you thinking?” Dad asks, his tone harsh with frustration. I shrug, but he stops and puts a hand on my shoulder. “No, that’s not gonna cut it. I’ve just been called from an important meeting to come here because my son beat the living shit out of someone, and we narrowly avoided him pressing charges. You’re going to tell me what’s going on with you.” I scuff my shoe against the ground and look anywhere but at him. I couldn’t give two shits what the dean or even the coach thinks right now, but I feel like I’ve disappointed my dad, and I hate it. “Look, I know you’re still struggling with everything that happened with Caleb—”

“It’s not about him.”

Dad sighs, ignoring me as he continues. “I know you’re still struggling, but you can’t go down this road, Madden. I will not allow you to throw your future away,” he says, his eyes softening for a beat as he drops his hand. “Your mom spoke to Harper. It sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of things that the Madden we know wouldn’t do. It’s hurting them, too—Harper, your mom, Caleb—all of them.”

“Dad, I…” I trail off, struggling to find the words. I didn’t know she’d told them, but in some ways, I welcome it. I know what I’m doing, and it kills me. Every moment since the night of graduation, I’ve felt the pain she feels for me, but I can’t get over it. I don’t know how.

Maybe if I had Harper still, it wouldn’t be as bad. But I don’t want my parents to worry I’m spiraling, so I have to give Dad something, and this seems like the easiest thing to give.

“He pushed Harper up against the wall and said he was going to pay her for sex.”

His eyes widen, and he looks just as angry as I felt.

“But why, Madden? What gave them the impression she’d be up for that?” he asks, his brow cocking. He knows. Shame curdles in the pit of my stomach, burning through my throat as I swallow it down. “You gave them reason to think she was that kind of girl, didn’t you? If that’s the case, you’re as much to blame as that boy. Don’t you get that?”

“I know. I just… I can’t stop.”

Dad shakes his head, disappointment and fury etched into his expression. “I thought we’d raised you better than this. Youwillstop, Madden. You find that girl, and you apologize. For everything.”

“Dad, I—”

“No,” he says. “I know you’re missing your brother; we all are. But that girl has been part of this family for years. Accidents happen and mistakes are made, but that doesn’t mean we get to play judge and jury. That’s not how it goes. Fix it, Madden.”

“I want to,” I say, realizing I truly mean it. “But what I’ve done…”

“What you’ve done is struggle and process in the worst way, and you took it out on the person you should’ve been finding comfort with.” How does everyone know this but me? How does it make so much sense when it comes from someone else?

“The things I’ve done … they might not be forgivable.”

“Fortunately for you, Harper is much more forgiving than you are.”

His chastisement burns, but it’s true. I’ve been trapped in the cycle of blaming her and fueling myself with anger, for what? Because I truly don’t believe she deserves to be forgiven? No, of course not. Because I needed her so fucking much, and it terrified me that she wasn’t perfect—that she could hurt me too.

“People make mistakes, Madden,” my dad continues, and I’m not sure whether he’s talking about me or Harper or both of us. “The people who love us won’t use that against us.”

He’s right. I need to find her.

“Finally, dude,” Evan says, as I walk through our door to see him playing computer games with some of the guys. “Where did you disappear to?”

“I was with the dean, then talking to my dad,” I answer.

“Shit. How much trouble are you in?”

“Suspended for three games.” They all pull various faces, but I shrug. Worth it. “Has anyone seen Harper? After it all went down?” I ask, keeping my tone casual despite the fact I feel anything but.

I tried to find her, to apologize and talk, but she wasn’t in her dorm or any of the common areas. It’s making me uneasy to not be able to check if she’s okay.

“Evan did,” Luca says, and the othersoohlike children as Evan rolls his eyes.

“The fuck? When?”

“I wanted to talk to you about it,” he says casually, his eyes still glued to the screen as he continues to play. “Let me finish this.”

I pull the cord from the wall so the TV goes black, and groans ring out from around the room. “Tell me now.”

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