Page 33 of Our Ruined Beginnings

Madden

Shedoesn’tleave.

I can’t decide if I’m relieved or pissed off that when she said goodbye, she just meant to us … tome. She never intended to walk out of the doors of DU and head home. She just wanted to make it known that she was letting me go. Letting go of whatever we’ve become.

Somehow, seeing the indifference on her face when her gaze passes over me, the way her eyes glaze over when she sees me—as though she’s not really seeing me at all—is harder than I ever thought possible.

I wanted to break her. To force her away from here so we could live in our individual hells without the other constantly reminding us of what we lost. Instead, watching her break … it broke something inside me.

The moment it happened, I felt it. A live wire, curling around every nerve in my body, suffocating me with each moment. But she didn’t leave, not like I anticipated. She only hardened.

She quit her job. Stopped sitting to eat in the campus cafeteria. She’s here, in these walls, but she’s nothere.She’s a shell, and somehow, that’s worse than any torment I could have imagined putting her through.

The bullying continues. I know it does, because I sit and hear the updates from Bethany and Evan, but it’s like it’s happening in a different world. Whatever they do, she watches blankly, her eyes devoid of emotion, giving them no reaction.

It used to amaze me, the way she was so continuously optimistic, even with her family as dysfunctional as they are. She was impossible to knock down. Her face always held a bright grin or a playful smirk. Until this. Untilme.

Twice now, I’ve stolen the light from her eyes and wiped the seemingly never-ending smile from her face. Only once was intentional. The first time, though… If I could go back in time and change that moment, I can’t help but wonder where we’d be today.

The clock ticks loudly on the wall. Each click of another second passing mocks me. Somehow, the world continues to turn. But mine doesn’t. I’m stuck.

My eyes never stray from the bed, from the person in it.

Wires trail along the floor, all leading back to her. Soft beeps fill the room on a loop, but none of it disturbs her. Through it all, there she remains, still as a statue. The slow methodical way her chest rises and falls steadily is the only thing reminding me I haven’t lost her too.

Her tawny skin is devoid of its usual glow, and the white light casting over her accentuates the dark bruises that ring her eyes. I wish I could see the stubborn fire that lingers in the brown depths—see the fight she’s never without. She looks so small in that bed, covered only in a white gown.

Who knew that such a momentous occasion for all the right reasons would lead to another for all the wrong ones?

My brother barely clings to life. My … well, Harper—laid up in hospital, not knowing that the moment she wakes up, her life will be turned upside down. I want her to wake—I need it in my soul—but it’ll change everything for her. Right now, it’s just me left here alone. Mourning a loss so deep it makes my body ache.

The door slowly creaks open, light footsteps padding along the floor until one of the nurses managing Harper leans over the bed. She offers me a small smile when I flick my gaze to hers, but I can’t do the same.

“Can I get you anything?” she asks, moving around the bed to where the charts hang from the end.

“Do you have a time machine?” She sighs, the sound soft and full of sorrow.I guess not.I shake my head, answering her question. “I’m good, thanks.”

“The doctor will begin to wean her off the pain medication over the next hour. We’re expecting her to wake up a little bit after that,” she explains. She’s not meant to be telling me this information. Hell, I’m not even supposed to be in this room—I’m not family. But when it was clear after a few hours of waiting that I was the only one that was coming tonight, the nurses took pity on me and let me stay. They could see I needed to, for both of us. “It’s expected she’ll make a full recovery. One day, tonight will be a distant memory for you both.”

I wish.

Nodding anyway, I thank her quietly, my hand finding the much smaller one on the bed. Physically, Harper will heal … but what about the mental scars? And how the hell do I look at that girl and tell her about her best friend? How do I begin to process it myself? My twin brother … just like that.

Time moves even slower, dragging at a snail’s pace as the nurse leaves. One hour turns to two, and while the medication running through the wires has lessened, Harper still slumbers.

My fingers tighten around hers, my grip unyielding as I drop my forehead to our entwined hands, willing her to open her eyes. The scent of lilies clings to her skin, so reassuring right now that it makes it that little bit easier to breathe. I remember when she first got that perfume, back when she was thirteen and she begged my mom to take her shopping because her own was too out of it to realize her daughter needed a mother. She was so happy when she came back, ‘grown-up perfume’ in her shopping bag that Mom had helped her pick out.

Five years she’s worn that scent.

My Lily.

“Hey, Lily, I need you to wake up now,” I croak, my throat dry as I drag my eyes back up to hers. My heart drops when I confirm they’re still closed. “Please, baby. I can’t do this on my own. I need to see those pretty brown eyes, and I need you to tell me that you’re okay. Please. I can’t lose you too. You’re…”

Closing my eyes, I drop my head back onto our joint hands. The words die on the tip of my tongue, as they always do. As they always have, for far too long.

What if this is it?

The nurse has assured me she’ll wake, but I can’t let myself believe it until it happens. What if she never does, and I kept everything I should’ve said to her deep inside? She’ll never know what she means to me. That she’s everything.

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