Page 34 of Skin Deep

Pax pushed his plate away. “Thanks for telling me. That must’ve been hard to say, but it means a lot that you’d be honest about it.”

“What?” I frowned. “You don’t think I’m crazy?”

He shrugged. “I don’t want to sound dismissive, but we’ve all got our demons, you know? Yours might look different from mine, but we’re all fighting ‘em. Some people, like my Maya, they lose that fight, but she fought like a fucking warrior all the way to the end and went out swinging. She was strong. So are you.” He held his hand out but didn’t touch me, leaving the option open. “It’s not a deal breaker for me. As long as you tell me what you need from me, I’ll do my damnedest to give it to you.”

God damn him. God fucking damn him for saying all the right things in all the right ways. I clenched my jaw to keep it from quivering and slowly put my hand in his. The urge to jerk my hand away and slather it in hand sanitizer was still there, but I forced myself to focus on anything, everything else instead. Eventually, I’d lose that battle and have to go wash my hands again, but for now, I could endure it. For him.

Paxton squeezed my fingers. “Is there anything that helps you?”

“I’ve tried everything. Medication. Therapy. Hypnosis. The only thing that’s ever helped…” I sighed and closed my eyes. Images of knives slicing through skin invaded my mind. Blood flowing. Pain flaring. The euphoria of pain and blood that could drown everything else out.

“Warrick, you’re not going to scare me away with this. Tell me how to help you. And if I can’t, at least help me understand so I can try to accommodate.”

“Pain and blood,” I admitted in barely a whisper. “They ground me. Help me think. They’re like…a reset for my brain. They make everything quieter.”

Pax leaned forward. “If that was supposed to be a shocking reveal, you might want to go back in time to before the other afternoon in the woods.”

My face flushed at the memory of that. It had been good, and it had helped. Grounded me enough that I could get through the day and the next, and even enough to get through a meeting with Nikita. It was almost shocking how much that small thing had helped so much.

But I’d need more. This was like a drug. The more he gave, the more I’d want. How far would he go with me? How far would I let him go?

“You don’t understand,” I said, shaking my head. “The pain. I need it. I crave it. I need to be hurt. I’m not talking about a little light spanking. The things I want, they’re fucked up.”

Pax got up and moved over to the other side of the table to sit beside me. He turned my face toward him, and traced a thumb over my still swollen lip. “Is that why you cut yourself?”

I swallowed and nodded. “I felt like I couldn’t breathe, Pax. Like I was losing it. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but ithelps.”

He nodded. “Believe it or not, I get it. Maybe not all of it, but I’m starting to. I don’t want you to hurt yourself anymore. You understand me?”

“But Pax—”

He leaned in to kiss my swollen lip. “I’m the only one who gets to hurt you from now on. Understand me?”

I closed my eyes and let out a shuddering breath. Why did those feel like exactly the words I’d been waiting to hear someone say for years? Decades? Maybe my whole life? Just hearing them from his lips lifted a burden from my shoulders. I felt weightless. Even if it was all a lie, I appreciated the words and the sentiment behind them.

But I didn’t believe it was. I believed Paxton meant it.

“Let me take you back to your place and give you what you need, however you need me to do it,” he said.

I shook my head. “I don’t want to scare you away.”

“War, when are you going to learn to let me be the judge of how far I want to go? I’ll go to the edge of the abyss with you and jump in after you.”

“Will you hurt me?” I whispered it so quietly that even I barely heard it.

Pax gripped the back of my neck roughly and tilted my face up. Our eyes met briefly before Pax sucked on the hole in my lip until I had to stifle a moan, remembering we were in public.

“I’ll hurt you so good,” he promised.

“What about your girls? Don’t you have to be back?”

“Nah, I told the sitter not to wait up for me,” he said with a grin. “They’re having a sleepover. Long as I leave in time to make it to work, we’re good. You’ve got me all night.”

“Yes,” I answered quickly and then blushed. “I mean…”

Pax chuckled and kissed me again. “It’s all right. Let me give you what you need so you can think, and then you can get back to the case tomorrow.”

IwasgladPaxtonwas driving because I couldn’t focus on anything except what was about to happen. Maybe I was insane, bringing Paxton into this, especially since we’d only known each other a short while. I was literally about to put my life in his hands.

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