Page 35 of Skin Deep

That shouldn’t have been such a fucking turn-on.

I had only broached the subject in detail with two other people. When I told Ken, it’d been a moment of weakness. We had been fighting, and it fell out, but I should’ve known that was a mistake. The man thought blowjobs on Sunday were kinky.

Shepherd, my brother, also knew, but that was only because I thought he might be able to give me advice. He was a psychiatrist, after all, and sexual deviances and their comorbidities with psychological disorders were his specialty. He’d love to study me, given the chance. Shepherd had given me some advice on how to pursue my interests safely on my own, but that never went anywhere. I didn’t want to do it alone. I wanted the thrill of being helpless, of giving over control, of placing my life in someone else’s hands to do with what they would. The ultimate surrender.

What would Shepherd say about Paxton and his eagerness to indulge my deviant fantasies? I looked over at Pax in the driver’s seat, watching headlights wash over him. That should have been a huge red flag, right? Most people would run far and fast from a man who agreed to hurt them. Shouldn’t he have tried to talk me down if he cared about me? Why would he want to hurt me?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, all my reservations with it.

“You okay?”

I blinked my eyes open and looked back over at him. “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You know it’s okay if you change your mind, right?” He glanced over at me, his expression worried.

“I haven’t changed my mind,” I said, hugging myself. “It’s just… It’s been a while and this is… It’s a lot.”

“A lot for me too. I haven’t been with anyone since Maya died.” His hands tightened on the steering wheel, and he took a deep breath. “But I like you, and I think we both need this.”

“Yeah,” I said awkwardly, even though I still wasn’t a hundred percent sure.

My anxiety was running rampant, thoughts racing faster than the tires going over the road. I squeezed myself and tried to direct my thoughts toward something useful instead of worrying about what we were about to do, the risks I knew I was about to take.

There are things I can do to mitigate that risk, important things. Things we should talk about before we get there. I cleared my throat. “You’ve been tested, right? I mean, that’s kind of important if we’re going to…” Fuck, we should’ve had this conversation earlier, but I’d been expecting this whole night to blow up and go wrong. I never thought we’d be driving back to my house together.

He chuckled. “Yes, War, but don’t worry. I came prepared.” He winked at me.

I turned away, face heating. Why was I acting like some virgin on prom night? This was stupid. I knew how to do this, didn’t I? Stop catastrophizing, War. I closed my eyes again and focused on breathing, trying to calm myself down. He said he was prepared. You’re going to have to trust him sooner or later.

We pulled into the driveway, and he shut off the truck, looking over at me as if he were about to ask me again if I was sure about this. I got out of the truck before he could. The keys trembled in my hand as I shoved them into the lock, but I didn’t let myself turn back or hesitate, throwing open the front door and walking inside.

I needed a drink.

I left the front door open and went to the kitchen, tossing my blazer on the back of a chair and my keys and wallet onto the table before I grabbed the wine I had chilling in the back of the fridge and poured two glasses, placing one on the counter for him. The liquid in the glass trembled as I clutched the stem, bringing it closer to my body. As Paxton came into the kitchen, I instinctually slid into the corner, fighting the urge to curl up into something smaller. I wasn’t afraid of him. At least, not in the way I should have been, but when his eyes fell on me with predatory intent, my heart rate ratcheted up to unsafe levels.

He picked up the wine glass and lounged against the counter, considering it as if he were bored. “I’m not much of a wine and cheese kind of guy.”

“Well, I am.” I licked my dry lips before gulping down too much, too fast.

“Guess it’s a taste I’ll have to acquire then,” he said.

Paxton moved into my space, leaning over me. A strange fluttering anticipation swooped low in my stomach as he toyed with a strand of my hair.

“Why don’t you tell me exactly what it is you want me to do for you?” he whispered.

Fuck. I was doing this. Okay, then.

I swallowed the dryness coating my tongue, or tried to. The wine wasn’t helping as much as I’d hoped. “Do you have any experience with bondage?”

He seemed a little surprised. If only he knew that was just the start. I was still testing the waters, deciding how far to go. “I can tie you up, but that’s hardly as scary as you were making it out to be. Unless there’s something I’m supposed to do with you while you’re all helpless under me? You know, besides fill your ass with my dick.”

My heart was beating so hard, I thought it was going to come straight through my ribcage, and my pants were uncomfortably tight. I couldn’t take it, couldn’t explain with words, so I shouldered past him and went to the stairs, pausing to look back. “Come with me.”

Paxton set his untouched glass of wine aside and followed me up the stairs.

I stopped on the top stair and turned around. I hooked a hand lazily around his neck and leaned in, intending to capture a kiss over the scar above his lip. Instead, he grabbed me by the hair, sending a jolt of delicious pain through me that had my cock standing at attention.

“Whatever game we’re playing, War,” he growled, dropping his voice low, “you’re going to need a safe word before we go any further.”

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