Page 80 of The Refusal

“First time I’ve ever seen you like this.” He contemplated me for a bit, then gave me a smile halfway between patronizing and amused. “You can’t mess this up, you know.”

Fucking hell. “I alreadyhave,” I growled at him, “I lost my temper. I didn’t understand her point of view.”

But he was shaking his head even as I forced the words out. “That’s not what love is. If she feels for you what you feel for her, she’ll forgive you.”

I couldn’t stomach his confidence and the way he made it all sound so fuckingeasy.

“Love?” I said incredulously.

“Yeah.” He grinned at me then, and something hot and sharp kicked through me at his calm assurances. “What else would have you behaving like a bear with a sore head and around at my apartment every other night?” he said.

“If it’s a problem, I can stop coming around,” I growled at him, swinging my eyes back to the screen in front of me, sweat trickling down my spine.

His eyes fixed on the side of my face, his annoying grin like a taunt. “Yeah, I hate seeing you,” he muttered, twisting back to his computer and putting his hands on the keyboard again.

“What if we’re both too proud?” The words jerked out of me, surfacing hard and fast, and suddenly I wanted them all out of my head.

He leaned back in his chair, and I swung round to find him staring at the peeling ceiling, long fingers woven together behind his head. “The thing is I think you bothknow, you get that this is it. Don’t you understand? You can’t mess this up because you’re on the same page: You’ve met the person who iscompletelyright for you.”

“I don’t think she feels that way about me, Fab,” I said.

“Yes shedoes, you dolt.Of courseshe does! The way she looks at you, fucking hell, I wish some woman would look at me like that. She might be upset, and you’ve got to sort that out, but she’s as into you as you’re into her.”

I wanted to believe him. Christ, I did.

“Then why did she …”

“She’s as scared as you are! She doesn’t want to mess it up either. She doesn’t want to ruin her company. Come on, man, she’s worked a long time for this, just like you.”

“Oh,Jesus.” I put my head in my hands and rubbed my eyes with the heels of my palms.

“Look, you’ve got to show her that her worries are not a thing. God alone knows how, but …”

I looked up and stared at the bank of screens in front of us, not seeing them at all.

Then Fabian said, “You’ve got to take a chance. You’ve got to risk it all. You’ve got to make her to realize you’d do anything for her.”

44

Jo

When I arrive at my desk, I’m aware of Des’s scrutiny. He’s looking at me steadily and the lack of a smile makes me wonder if I’ve got something on my face, or my hair has gone particularly rogue on the commute into work. I screw my face up at him.

“You okay?” I say, meeting his unblinking gaze.

“You don’t know, do you?”

“What?” Oh, God. Perhaps overnight someone has taken down a system we’re working on? “Shit, Des.” I put my hand on my chest as I drop into my chair. “What is it?”

“Janus has given an interview with theWall Street Journal.” Des’s eyes are still fixed on me.

“Okay.” I sink farther into my seat while my pulse takes off at a gallop.

“You need to read it.”

“Oh, God, what is it? Is it something bad about the hack? The work we’re doing?” Surely someone would have called me. “Has he fired us?” A public firing. That would be …

But Des is shaking his head, pursing his lips as he glances at James’s empty chair, turning around to check out two programmers sitting at their desks, before swinging back to me and tilting his head.

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