Page 57 of The Refusal

I shake my head; she deserves better than me behaving like an overeager kid.

“Oh yes, Janus, that’s so hot.”

She wants this? “Can I …?” I hesitate. “Is it weird?” Fuck it sounds weird to me—weird and creepy.

She shakes her head, and I push myself up on my knees and start on the buttons on my fly. She closes her eyes and emits a noise I’ve never heard before, halfway between a growl and moan. Something about that sound coming out of her tiny body makes me laugh.

“What?” I say.

“You’re not the only one with fantasies you know.” She licks her bottom lip before worrying it with her teeth, eyes fixed on my hands.

I pop the last button, and she leans forward, peeling the denim back, pushing my jeans down my hips as I lift onto my knees. Standing, I shuck them off and return to the bed. She’s staring at the outline of my cock straining against my black stretch boxers, and she runs her finger around it softly, sending crazy tingling all through my crotch. My legs tense. Christ. I still her hand, shaking my head, and her pout is a work of magic. My lungs no longer seem to be working as I desperately try to suck in air, giving a hoarse laugh.

“As you can probably tell, I’m beyond turned on here.” I hold on to her hand. “This could be fast, but I don’t want it to be. I don’t think I’m going to have much control first time around.” I try and swallow, but my throat is like sandpaper. I want this to be good for her.

She nods, settling back on her elbows again and I stare at her breasts, the freckles winding around her torso and disappearing into her panties: two together right next to one nipple. I lean forward, and her hand hits my stomach, fumbling under the elastic waistband of my boxers. Her lips part as her fingers graze my tip.

“Can I …?” she says and slips her hand around me, her thumb exploring gently as her gaze fixes on mine, pupils dark and wide against the sea green of her eyes.

“You feel …”

I nod and nod and nod, eyes fluttering closed. No way. No way. A fire has started on the forest floor, out of control. My head snaps back at the feeling tickling down my length as she runs her thumb back and forward over the head.

“Janus, I …” she whispers, and I tip my head forward to find her expression full of awe, hips shifting on the bed.

Sweat prickles on the back of my neck. I look down at her breasts and fight to hold off orgasming in about thirty seconds flat.

“Shit. Fuck. Slow down.” Gasping, I pull back, but her gaze is riveted on how I’m jumping in her hand, and she follows me up, not stopping, not holding back for a second. Her other hand scrabbles at my hip to push my boxers down.

“Don’t hold back.” Her teeth press into my chest like a prayer. “I want it to be fast, I want to see what I do to you.”

“Bad girl.”

My jaw pops as I grind my teeth, and through half-closed lids I catch the wicked smile stretching her mouth. It reminds me of the Jo from the elevator; the impish one that doesn’t often come out to play. There are all these different, mysterious Jos and I want to own every one. She pulls me forward as she lies down and I straddle her hips, staring down at how her nipples have hardened to a pinky rose. Her hand and circling thumb rub and rub, and the visual of coming all over the miles of creamy skin in front of me almost finishes me off. I bend forward, wheezing.

“Oh,Christ.” Her hand is slick with pre-come. “I’m desperate to touch you.” I groan, curling down and burying my face in her neck, but she just grips me harder and plays with the underside of my cock. My orgasm hovers just out of reach, coursing down my legs and climbing up my length, swelling and tightening. She’s shifting under me and a telltale warmth spreads through my pelvis as I straighten, thrusting into her hand, messy and frantic. She tightens her grip in the best way, and before I can stop it, I am holding myself on one arm shaking and shuddering, spilling all over her chest. Her smile is so unrestrained it lights up every dusty corner.

“What?” I rasp. Fuck, I can’t breathe. The room swims for a moment. Heart pounding, I collapse down over her. The quiet ticks around us and sweat pools on my forehead and runs down the side of my face.

“You’re right, that was fast,” she says, and I nuzzle into her throat before pulling back to catch her dancing green eyes, the freckle right under her left eyelash. How come I didn’t notice that one before?

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” I shake my head with regret. “What a dick I am.”

I shift to kiss her cheek, my own heating as my apology spills forward. “What guy comes first, and so fast, his first time with a woman?”

But she’s still smiling and shaking her head. “You’re kidding, right? I love how quick that was. I’m ridiculously proud of the fact that I made Janus Phillips come in about sixty seconds flat.”

Her eyes are clear and bright and—fuck me—they’re happy. I feel like a king. Trailing a finger down the center of her chest, I pick up the liquid and circle each nipple. She blinks down at my hand before closing her eyes.

“I need to play now,” I say as a slight pink color builds on her neck. Fuck yeah. I’m not sure about the reality of my mess all over her, though; whether she likes it.

“Let me find a cloth to clean you up.” I wander into the bathroom, dick in hand, and when I come back she’s watching me, still smiling.

“What?” I say.

“I don’t know. It makes me happy seeing you walk around naked, doing intimate man things.”

I’ve never felt a woman liked me for precisely who I am. At college I was inexperienced and awkward, and since then I’ve done what’s convenient: I can’t explain the distance that’s developed. I feel bare here. Real. Relaxed for the first time in a decade. I want to wrap Jo in cotton wool and keep her in my bed forever. I walk on the bed on my knees wiping her down carefully, stretching over and putting the facecloth on the nightstand. Her hands scratch down my chest, and I lean down to brush my mouth against hers, tasting fruit and coffee.

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