Page 53 of The Refusal

“I thought I’d worked it out: You had a boyfriend. But you told me on the plane that that’s not true. When we first met, you seemed keen to keep it all businesslike. I mean, I understand completely if you think I’m an arrogant asshole. I get you can’t say things like that to a client like me, but we’re here for four days together and I want to be upfront.”

She blinks at me a few times, pulling back. I’ve gone straight in with this. Way to go, Janus. Then she looks down at her hands in her lap and shakes her head at me.

“Do you think I’m a player?” I say.

She raises her head and grins at me and then puts her hand out, moving it side to side in a rocking gesture that says the jury’s out on that one.

Fuck, I like this girl. Even in the middle of a serious conversation like this where I’ve shocked her, her instinct is to push me just a little. She’s dodged my first question, but perhaps she needs me to say what she can’t.

“I like you, Jo. I’ve got no problem being with one woman; I’ve just never met one I particularly wanted to be with.” I am done messing around and second-guessing all of this. I want to be crystal fucking clear.

Her throat moves as she swallows, and something in her expression tells me that she’s nervous, that she isn’t quite sure about what I’ve said, or ready for how blunt I’m being. She’s staring at the tablecloth as if her life depends on it.

“Why me?”

I laugh. “Is that an actual question?” I lift my hand to push an errant red curl off her shoulder and out of her face, and she pulls back. My stomach sinks to my feet. “You have men running around all over the place after you.”

“So have you—women, that is,” she says, picking up her glass of water and swirling the ice about. Why do I suddenly think she’s stalling? I glance around for the waiter. I’m not a big drinker but I’ve never needed something alcoholic more.

“You’ve been to events …” She trails off.

I frown. “What events?”

“You went to that security dinner—”

“With Aubrey?”

She shrugs. I’ve explained the women in the papers: Does this bother her more for some reason?

My words come out in a rush. “Aubrey is an old friend from college. She’s married to a trader; he lives on adrenaline, a complete asshole. She sometimes wants …” I sigh. “She needs a hand reining him back in. I said if she ever needed me, I’d help her out … I mean, they have a complicated relationship. He has affairs; she uses being seen with me to pull him back.”

She wrinkles her nose but nods at this; I can’t read it. Aubrey and I do have an odd friendship, but then, she’s a strange lady.

I groan into my hands, run them up over my face and into my hair, stare over at the waiter helping a couple at the next table with the wine list.

“Let me down gently.” I’m pretty sure now that this conversation won’t have a positive outcome, but with it all pressing so hard on the inside, I can’t hold it back anymore.

She blinks away and to the side. Then her eyes drift back to mine and her face is warm and conflicted all at once.

“Ican’t, Janus.” She closes her eyes, muttering, “You know this is a bad idea.”

Wait. My heart takes off at a gallop. Not quite the response I was expecting. She’s not saying she doesn’t like me.

“A bad idea?”

Her eyes pop open. “What if people find out we’re together? It will be a disaster for my business,for me. People will jump to all the wrong conclusions: They’ll say I got the contract with your company because we’re sleeping together.”

I like the idea of that so much I’m momentarily sidetracked. But seriously? This is what’s worrying her?

I grin at her, inflating inside as if someone has released a band that was constricting all my organs. This is what’s holding her back?

“So, you don’t think I’m bad looking or a player then?”

She rolls her eyes. “Come on, Janus, you know what you look like.”

I lean forward, grinning. “I’m very happy to hear you say that. I thought you were immune to my charms.”

“I’m so far away from resisting your charms, it’s not funny,” she says with a quiet growl into the tablecloth that I have to bend in further to hear.

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