Page 74 of The Refusal

I’m not going to be lucky enough for the ground to swallow me up, and I’m about to open my mouth at the mention of social media, when Janus turns to me, smile getting impossibly wider.

“What do you think, boss?”

Fuck all cute men. Does he think he can melt my anger by sucking up to my employees? By flashing that grin? Shoot me now.

I nod my head in an effort not to appear surly, and try desperately to hold on to some of the fire I felt earlier now I’m faced with the Janus Phillips charm turned on full force. All my team are up in an instant, crowding around him and taking selfies and group shots, and I mentally calculate that this might actually help the situation if more pictures emerge of him with my team.

“I’ve got to chat to your boss now, guys,” he says eventually. “But I would love to catch up with you all. Des, how about organizing a meet-the-team night out?”

Des is gazing at him with stars in his eyes. “No problem,” he says. “How gay can I make it?”

Janus laughs, rubbing his finger across his chin. “I think that would be fantastic for my reputation, don’t you?”

Des and James are laughing and agreeing like a couple of nodding dogs, and I turn on my heel, moving toward the meeting room. Him and his damn reputation. I want this conversation over, so I can go and dissect everything with Liss and Kate. I don’t want him to charm me into backing down.

Janus closes the door carefully behind him and studies me for a beat, not saying anything.

“I like your team, Jo. You chose well.” He gives me the adorable crooked half smile, and I don’t need the reminder of how into him I could be if I let myself feel too much.

I nod. I’m not going to be the one to start this discussion. He carries on, looking at me.

“Tell me what you’re thinking right now.”

“Honestly? I want this conversation over, so I can go home and decompress for a while. I’ve had an entire day ofthis.” I wave my arm around. “Discussingthis. Not my company, or my clients’ problems, or even your hack. I’ve wasted a whole day on one measly picture. This is not how I want my life to be; I don’t want to be second-guessing what I do and say all the time, or having to deal with the fallout when I don’t get it quite right and someone takes a photo and writes a shitty article.”

Too many emotions are bubbling up inside and making me petulant, and I’m aware I’m not behaving brilliantly right now, but he’s not exactly being sympathetic himself.

Janus runs his hands through his hair and stares at the floor, not meeting my gaze.

“I’m sorry, Jo, I really am.”

What’s he apologizing for specifically? I fold my arms. “You didn’t seem to think it was that important on the phone?”

He shakes his head. “It’s not that. Maybe I’ve had a lot of shitty things written about me and I’ve become immune to it? I try to ignore these kinds of things most of the time because I can’t let myself be distracted. I’m sorry if it came across badly.”

Is he apologizing? He sounds just a tad judgmental, like I should be dealing with this how he does.

“But you don’t think it implied anything negative about me?”

Why am I pushing this? I don’t like what he’s doing right now: it feels like he doesn’t agree and is trying to placate me. That this is somehow my problem, not his.

Long fingers scrape through his hair. “I think you have to be the judge of that, Jo. You have to make a decision about whether to react or not. Sometimes, if you respond, it makes it into more of a thing. They think you’ve got something to hide and do more digging.”

So itismy problem? Ugh. Although I don’t like what he’s saying, I get that it can be a good idea to let things like this bury themselves. Carly said as much to me herself when we started working on Caltech. And maybe my dad stood and fought too much. But aren’t some things too important to just let go? And why is it my responsibility to deal with this? Aren’t we in this together?

“Okay.”

What else can I say? He clearly doesn’t agree with me, but I want to go home. I’m running away, but I need to think when he’s not in front of me being cute.

“Are you still all right for talking it through with the PR people tomorrow?” I say.

He nods. “Of course. I’ve already called Julie, and she’s coming to our offices at 9 a.m.”

He walks toward me, but I don’t know how I feel about him right now, and the entire office is pretending not to peer at us through the glass walls. My eyebrows knit together, and I tilt my head at the desks. He grins at me.

“They’ll have to know sometime,” he says.

And just like that, I’m doused in icy water. I shake my head at him, butof coursethey’ll know. How stupid am I being right now? Killing this one story is not going to make the problem of having any kind of relationship with Janus go away. I won’t be able to keep it secret indefinitely. If I want this, if I want him, then this is going to be part of the territory. I’m going to have to live with these kinds of comments being made about me all the time. The thought makes my stomach roil.

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