Page 58 of At My Worst

“Actions, empty fucking actions,” I say through gritted teeth as I look him in the eyes. He lifts his hand to touch me, but I swat it away. “Don’t fucking touch me, Alexander. Go back to what you know.”

“You don’t mean that,” he says, shaking his head.

“I do. It was all a lie. It was only physical, right? No biggie,” I say, feeling the sting of my own words. The burning feeling, the feeling I don’t know if I can handle. My stomach twists into knots as my own words echo inside my head.

I take a step back from him and shut the suitcase. I turn and look at him one more time. “I believed you, and now I am the one paying the price for it. Was any of it real?” I ask, hearing more sadness and pain in my voice now.

“Of course,” he says without needing to think about it.

“Empty words, empty actions, lesson learned, Alexander,” I snap.

I don’t give him time to say anything. I walk past him and out of my bedroom. I go over to the table, grab my laptop, and then turn and walk out the front door. I hear him behind me as I go to my car. I open the back door and throw my suitcase inside, setting my laptop next to it. I close the door and open the driver’s door. I can feel him behind me.

“I think I figured out the ending of my book. Thank you, Alexander. Thank you for showing me that words and now actions don’t mean shit,” I say as I slide into the seat and slam the door.

I lock the door as he tries to open it. I take a deep breath as I turn on the car.

“Open the fucking door, Bianca,” he says through gritted teeth. I can hear the anxiety in his voice and see the pain in his eyes.

“Fuck you, Alexander. Go back to Brittany. She is waiting for you,” I say as more tears roll down my face. I put the car in drive and take off down the alley, turning left on the road and heading out of town.

Lesson fucking learned.

My heart is racing so fast as I drive down the road, once again leaving in the blackness and needing to disappear.

I am reminded that I am not good enough and not worthy of happiness all over again. I fucked this up just like I fucked up everything. Running, I can do that, going back and letting him explain, I can’t, I just fucking can’t.

26

Alexander

“Alkaline”by Sleep Token

Ipush down on the pedal as I follow behind her. From the direction she is going, I know she is heading to the cliff. I knew she would go to one of our spots, and she has.

Fuck.

She walked in at the wrong fucking moment, Brittany advanced, and my hand did the reflex of grabbing her throat, not in a sexual way but to keep her back. I should have fucking let go, but I didn’t think about it, and then Bianca walked in, and I saw it in her eyes. I saw the pain and confusion. It broke me when she ran out.

I can’t even tell you the words I screamed at Brittany, but I can tell you she cried, and she won’t be back. She thought this was a game, but it fucking wasn’t. She and I were never meant to be, but Bianca and I are, and I will not fucking lose her. I will chase her down and fucking drag her back if I have to.

Bianca pulls down the dirt road. My heart speeds up as she comes to the end of the road and parks. I park right fucking behind her, making sure she can’t just leave. I turn off my truck and open the door. I watch her open her door and get out. The rain is coming down hard now, soaking my hair and jacket.

She gets out of her car, closes the door, and heads towards the cliffs.

The last time we were here, we started out dancing and ended up fucking in my truck.

She has her arms wrapped tightly around herself, as the headlights from her car allow me to see she is shaky. I quickly walk behind her, but before I can do anything, she turns around and rests her hands on my chest, causing my heart to race even more. She isn’t doing it because she wants to touch me. No, she is doing it to make sure there is some distance between us, which fucking breaks me from the inside out.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this, Alexander. I am too shattered. Pieces of me will never fit together, and I will only cause you pain.”

“Then cause me pain Bianca, fucking cut me, and watch me bleed,” I beg.

She takes a deep breath and finally looks at me. Even with the rain coming down, I can see the tears rolling down her face. I lift my hand to wipe it away just like I have done before, but this time, she turns her head from me, not allowing me to touch her.

“Fuck no, Bianca, I am not doing this,” I say through gritted teeth.

She turns her head and locks eyes with me. “Doing what?” She asks. Her voice is distant, and as she lowers her hands from my chest, I walk into her and grab her by the back of the neck, pulling her against me.

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