Page 55 of At My Worst

I can hear the shower running. I look down and see the door is cracked. We came back to her place because I would rather be here with her than at my house. I guess I am still trying to run away from my past. If I can keep Bianca far away from it, I will while still trying to help her understand my past.

I don’t want my past to touch her, but I have a feeling that even though I don’t want it to touch her, it will. The past is a funny thing. You can run all you want, but in the end, it will catch up to you because it is, in fact, a part of you, whether you like it or not.

I never thought I would say I am grateful for what I have been through, but now that I have Bianca, I don’t think I would be here with her and be this way with her if it wasn’t for my past.

She needs what only I can give her, and I need what only she can give me. We are a perfect storm together, a storm that I never want to leave or end.

I slowly sit up and look around her room. It is bare. She told me she only brought what she could fit in her car. I can only imagine how hard it was for her to leave behind a life she had built and worked for. She is so fucking strong.

The walls are bare, and her closet is bare. It makes my heart ache knowing that she left all of her things. She just wanted to start over. She just wanted to escape.

I know there are many things she still hasn’t told me, but I can see the pain, the confusion, the ache of just wanting to be loved in her eyes.

She tries to do the whole push and pull with me, and we both do it, but in the end, we can’t escape each other. We are drawn to each other in ways I can’t explain in words. Maybe one day, I will be able to fully explain how she makes me feel, but right now, I can’t. There are no words created yet for me too.

I continue to scan the room and stop at the table. I see a set of papers with a pen lying on top of it. Even though I shouldn’t, I slowly get up and walk over to the table. I place my hands on either side of the papers on the table and read over the heading.

Divorce papers.

My heart races as I see she hasn’t signed them yet but has filled out most of the paper. It looks like she only has to sign and have it served.

She is right on the edge of being completely mine. I don’t want to pressure her, but the thought of her going back to a life without me scares the living fuck out of me. I wouldn’t survive her leaving me. I need her, and she needs me.

If she needs a reason to stay to sign those papers, I will give her a fucking reason.

Me, I am the reason. We are the reason.

I meant what I told her.

She was never meant to be with him because she was always meant to be with me. She was always meant to be mine.

I turn and make my way to her bathroom. I push open the door and see her in the shower with her head down. Her hands are against the shower wall as the hot water washes over her gorgeous, ink-covered body.

There is nothing about her that I don’t love. There is nothing she can say or do to make me fall out of love with her. She has opened my eyes to my own desires.

I walk into the bathroom, open the shower door, and watch her lift her head, turn, and look at me. I walk into the shower and close the shower door. I come up behind her and pin her between me and the wall as I set my hands on top of hers.

I lean down, resting my lips against her ear. Her breathing increases as I lower my right hand and reach in front of her. I intertwine my fingers with hers as I slowly make my way down her body with my other hand.

“I refuse to live without you, Bianca,” I confess.

“Alexander,” she whispers. I can hear the fear in her voice. I will show her she has nothing to be afraid of when she is with me.

“I need you to understand that. I need you,” I confess as I slowly move between her folds with my two fingers. She lets out a small moan as I tighten my grip on her hand.

“Please stay. Stay with me, don’t…don’t leave me, Bianca. Please,” I beg. My voice is shaky and unstable.

She takes a deep breath as I push two fingers into her pussy. Her walls wrap tightly around my fingers as I move slowly over her clit with my thumb.

“I will love you,” I promise.

“I will protect you,” I confess confidently.

“I will fucking worship you.”

“All you have to do is say yes,” I tell her, pleading with her. Fuck. Fuck.

Her breathing continues to increase as I gently kiss and lick her neck. A growl leaves me as I continue to finger fuck her.

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