Page 48 of At My Worst

I believed him. That maybe us not having sex meant that he loved me more, but it wasn’t that at all. It was because he didn’t want to. That is the reason, and he just didn’t want to tell me. It was all an excuse that I fell for.

“Then we both decided, I guess, in a way, that we would sleep in separate rooms. I have insomnia, and he snores, and we both thought we would get better sleep. Then, as time went on, we just got comfortable and used to having each other around, and one day, I woke up and realized we were married roommates,” I say in a shaky voice.

“Bianca,” Alexander whispers as he holds me tighter.

I don’t stop. I have to keep going if I am going to be able to get this out. “We shared a house and last name but were no longer us. He started to make what he called healthy changes, and I chose to stay the same, and with that came the fighting. No matter how hard I tried to be what he wanted and did what he wanted, I never felt like I was good enough. I felt like I was in trouble with him all the time. He said we were fine, but I could tell we weren’t,” I say, feeling the guilt and shame start to take me over.

I slowly pull back, and Alexander opens his eyes. They are filled with tears as he releases his hold on me and gently brushes my face with the back of his hand. A gesture I have craved for, longed for, for as long as I can remember but never got it.

“The more I wanted us to go back to the way we were before, the more lost we became,” I whisper as tears escape my eyes and roll down my face. Alexander gently wipes them away and leansin, kissing me on the forehead. My chest is tightening for a whole different reason now. I am finally admitting the truth to myself. Alexander is everything I have ever wanted, and I am terrified that it is not real.

“He made me second guess who I am. He made me question if I was beautiful or worthy. He made me feel undesired. He made me feel like a chore,” I whisper as my heart continues to race. I feel so fucking naked right now, so fucking vulnerable I feel like throwing up.

“You keep asking what he has done to me. Well, the truth is nothing he did was physical. It was all mental, emotional, and psychological,” I admit out loud for the first time.

“That doesn’t mean shit, Bianca. What he did and how he has made you feel and see yourself is not right, baby. It is not fucking right,” he says through gritted teeth as he keeps his lips against my forehead.

“It got to the point that when we fought, by the end of it, I was the one who always said I was wrong and would apologize so we would stop fighting. He would watch me cry and watch me say I was sorry, and he would just look at me with theI am disappointed in youlook,“ I say, closing my eyes. His voice and the look on his face flood my head. I will never forget the look in his eyes when he was disappointed in me or upset with me. It is forever burned into me.

“He always acted as if he was right and I was wrong because he was older and had been through things. He was always disappointed with me, and in the end, before I decided to leave, I was pretty sure he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He was just in love with the idea of me, of us,” I confess.

Alexander pulls back and locks eyes with me.

“I am afraid, Alexander. I am afraid because you are everything I have ever wanted. And I am scared you are not real, that one day you are just going to disappear because Ifuck everything up. It is the only thing I am good at, being a disappointment,” I whisper.

His eyes rapidly searched mine. He leans in, connecting his lips to mine, but just as quickly, he pulls back and looks at me. “Does that feel real to you?”

I nod.

He slowly pushes me onto my back. He leans in and kisses my forehead, and then pulls back.

“Does that feel real to you?” He asks in a low tone.

I nod again.

He slowly gets on top of me and starts to move down my body, kissing down my throat and my chest. He stops on my stomach, pulls up, and looks at me.

“Does that feel real to you?” He asks, making my stomach fill with butterflies.

“Yes, Sir,” I say.

He smiles as he continues to move down my naked body. He places his arms underneath my legs, lifting them over his shoulders. His hands rest on my stomach as he leans in and gently kisses then licks between my folds. My back arches as I grab onto his hair.

“Does that feel real?” He whispers against my pussy.

“Yes. Oh God, yes,” I moan as he pushes his tongue into my pussy.

My walls wrap tightly around his tongue as his hands move up my body. One hand cups my breast while he flicks his fingers over my nipple until it is a stiff peak, and then he twists and pulls it. The pain added to the pleasure of his eating me out. He wraps his other hand around my throat, making me moan from his gentle yet rough touch.

I tighten my grip on his hair as he continues to fuck me with his tongue. As he sucks on my clit, my eyes roll back into the back of my head as my stomach tightens.

“Alexander,” I scream as my release takes over me.

He continues to tongue fuck me through my orgasm, and when my body sinks back to the ground, he slowly pulls away from me. I open my eyes and look down at him. He releases my neck and nipple and sits up on his heels. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and crawls up my body, settling between my legs. Propping himself up on one arm by my head, he reaches between us and presses his hard cock into my soaked pussy.

His eyes rapidly search mine before he pushes into me, bottoming out. “Does this feel real to you?” He asks through a growl.

“Yes,” I say softly.

---