Page 20 of At My Worst

She turns and looks at me, more tears rolling down her face. “I am married,” she whispers again.

My heart stopped with her confession. I lowered my hand to my leg, turned, and looked out the window.

What the fuck is happening right now?

“You are married?” I ask, but I fucking heard her. I heard the one thing come from her mouth that I never fucking saw coming.

“Yes.”

“Where is he?” I ask, feeling my blood starting to boil.

“I left him,” she confesses.

“Why?”

“It doesn’t matter,” she says quickly.

I snap my head and look at her. “It does fucking matter, Bianca. I don’t play fucking games. I have been played way too many fucking times, and I don’t have the patience or the desire to play games.”

“I am not playing games,” she says, trying to reassure me, but it is not working.

“Yes, you are because if you weren’t, you would have told me long before right fucking now that you are married,” I snap at her, feeling the shame and guilt quickly crush into me.

“I’m sorry.”

Those two fucking words, I can’t tell you how many times I have heard them from my exes. They are sorry for making me jealous on purpose, and they are sorry for cheating on me. They are fuckingsorry. Sorry doesn’t change what they have done, and it doesn’t change at this moment that Bianca, in a way, has been lying to me this whole fucking time.

I shake my head and look at her. “Get. Out.”

“What?” She asks, tears streaming down her face.

“Get the fuck out of my truck, Bianca,” I say through gritted teeth.

The truck goes silent as I try to calm down my racing heartbeat. She opens the truck door and gets out, shutting the door. I can feel her eyes on me as I put the truck in drive and speed off.

This whole fucking time, she has been fucking me while she is married.

“Fuck!” I scream as I slam my hand against the steering wheel several times.

I feel the tears building in my eyes as I speed down the road towards the woods.

This can’t be fucking real.

I was so fucking terrified that I would lose her, and to come find out, I didn’t have her to fucking lose.

9

Bianca

“War Is Love”by Bobi Andonov

Iopen the front door and stumble inside. My hands shake as I slam the door. I stand in the middle of the living room for a moment. My chest tightens as my legs give out, and I fall to my knees.

“Fuck!” I scream as I throw my purse and phone across the room. The phone shatters against the wall as I run my hands through my hair, pulling it at the roots. Tears continue to fall down my face, and my stomach twists into a million knots. I feel like I am going to be sick.

‘Get the fuck out of my truck, Bianca.’

Alexander’s words race through my mind over and over again inside my head. I don’t blame him. I would have kicked me out, too. I don’t deserve his forgiveness. I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t deserve any of it. I am just a lying whore.

---