Page 12 of At My Worst

“You do. It seems like nothing I do is good enough for you. What do you want from me, Bianca?” He asks—his voice stern.

I stay silent because I know that nothing I say at this moment will make this any better, so I say the only thing I can. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, just listen to me. I don’t just tell you things to tell you things. I am trying to protect you,” he states as he sits on the couch and once again grabs his phone.

I sit back and feel the tears slowly start to fall from my eyes and roll down my face. He doesn’t look at me again, so I turn my face and pretend to watch the show he put on for us to watch.

I go over his words in my head; maybe he is right. Maybe I am acting ungrateful. I don’t mean to. I just want…I don’t know what I want: us to stop fighting and for us to be on the same page. But we have been on different pages for a long time.

I open my eyes and quickly wipe the tears from my cheeks as I turn the doorknob and walk outside, closing the door behind me. I walk down the few steps onto the sidewalk and head towards the main grocery store. I open my book and hope I can escape. I really need to escape.

I make my way down this last aisle. I can’t tell you how many times I have walked up and down these aisles. I hate shopping when I am hungry, but everything looks good, and I want everything.

I stand in front of the frozen pizza section until I find what I am looking for. I open the door and grab three frozen cheese pizzas. I close the door and quickly walk past all the other shit that I want but don’t want. Fuck, I am a mess.

I approach the first open register and begin to unload my basket. I watch as the nice lady scans everything and slowly hands me each item so I can put it in my bag. She gives me my total as I put the third energy drink into my bag and hand the woman my money.

She smiles and hands me my change. “I hope you have a good day,” she says softly.

“Thank you. I hope you do as well,” I reply with a smile I know doesn’t quite reach my eyes, but I am trying.

When I walk out of the front doors, I open my bag and grab my book. I look up and see Alexander leaning against his truck, talking to a woman. She is blonde, taller than me, wearing heels and a dress.

I tighten my grip on my book as I watch them. From the looks of his stiff body and the scowl on his face, he is annoyed by her, but from her body language, she is not getting it. She lifts her hand and places it on his chest, in the same spot my hand was about a week ago when we fucked on the dock. My heart races as he grabs her wrist and forces her to remove her hand. She laughs and shakes her head, smacking him on the chest.

I don’t get it, but whatever.

She turns and walks away from him. He watches her until she gets to her car, then turns to the driver’s door, and that’s when our eyes connect. I look down, needing to break the eye contact.Even from this far away, his eyes are intense. Everything about this stranger is intense.

I take a deep breath as I look up and turn toward the sidewalk that will lead me back to my rental house. I hear him call out my name, but stopping is probably not the best idea, so I keep walking. I run across the street, picking up my pace. I keep my eyes forward as I count the houses as I pass them. After I can cross the street, there are only seven houses until I reach mine.

I’m stuck waiting for the stupid ass little person’s green light to turn on when a truck pulls in front of me, blocking my view of the walking green person. I look into the truck and see Alexander. His eyes are on me as I hear the beeping starting to go off. I walk in front of his vehicle and cross the street without acknowledging him. I hear the truck door open and footsteps behind me. He grabs my arm, stopping me as I reach the other side.

“Bianca,” he says, trying to get me to look at him. My heart is racing to hear him say my name at all.

I turn and look at him. His eyes are searching mine. I see worry in his eyes and something else, something that probably shouldn’t be there.

“She was my ex,” he confesses.

“What?” I ask, but I know what he is talking about.

It is none of your business, Bianca, none of your business. Stay in your own lane. You are not staying here long.

“The woman you saw is my ex,” he explains, trying to reassure me.

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” I tell him, hearing my voice crack at the end.

“I know I don’t, but I want to,” he says as he searches my eyes. His scent consumes me, his eyes paralyze me, and whenever he touches me, all I want to do is melt into him. He is a walking red flag. All the signs are there, but for the life of me, no matter whatI fucking tell myself, I am still drawn to him, like a bee to fucking honey.

“Alexander, it is fine. It’s all good,” I say, shrugging. I don’t know what else to say or do right now.

He stands still for a moment, then releases my arm. “Do you want a ride?” He asks calmly, but his breathing is still unsteady.

I shake my head. “No, I’m good.”

“Why do you do that?” He asks.

“What?”

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