Page 146 of Come Back To Me

“Oh, you were by far,” Mum says instantly. We all laugh. “Could never get you under control. You were unruly whenever I took you out the house. That time you poured an entire can of blue paint all over yourself when Dad took you to his work,” I laugh, picturing it, “you looked like a bloody Smurf. Explaining that in A&E didn’t go down well.”

I hold my tummy, remembering the pictures Dad took on his polaroid. Head to toe inblue paint, yet he still managed to grab the picture of Jess before he took her to hospital.

“Then there was that time you shoved polystyrene balls in your ear,” Mum continues.

I snort, unable to control it.

“The nurse had to suck them out with a mini hoover. You know they found a rock in there, too?”

I wipe underneath my eyes, the happy tears ruining my mascara. “Oh God, stop.” My tummy jiggles, bouncing up and down like a space hopper. We eventually settle, then I start up again when I make eye contact with Jess. It takes a few more minutes before I manage to keep myself together. “That feels good,” I confess, stretching my back where my stomach has cramped.

Mum then looks at me seriously. “When was the last time you laughed like that?” She knows I’m unable to answer. Mum’slips pull tight. “It doesn’t always have to be doom and gloom. You’re allowed to enjoy yourself.”

Picking up my mug, I take a sip, licking at the sugar caught on the rim. “I know. There hasn’t been much to laugh about, that’s all.”

“But he’s home, darling. Smile about that.”

But he shouldn’t be.“For how long though?” I say out loud, rather than to myself.

Jess looks up, her face grave. “How did he get out? I asked, but he didn’t say.”

He wouldn’t. I want to tell the truth and let her know something else is going on. But to everyone else, “The trial got dropped,” is what we’ll say.

Jess frowns.

I don’t want any more questions. “Anyway, I’ve already had a lecture from Bex. Everything you’re thinking, I’ve already thought myself, so can we move on?”

Mum’s face drops.

“You're telling me to smile and laugh when the reality is, unless he changes things drastically, I could be left on my own to raise his child, either sat on the other side of the visitor's table, or stood over his grave.”

My words silence them.Shit. My blood pressure spikes. The hairs on the back of my neck stand tall. Neither of those are options. The thought alone turns my stomach.

“I get it,” Mum says solemnly.

Sadness swipes at me, sucking my energy with it. “Christ, Mum, I’m sorry.”

She places her mug on the table. “You don’t apologise to me.” She takes my hand closest to her in hers, doing the same to Jess with the other. She motions to Jess, then to me. “Sometimes, saying I love you means you accept that person for exactly who they are. You hold on to them and never let them go. And othertimes, it means you love them enoughtolet them go.” She squeezes our hands, looking between us both. “It will come and go, and if you’re lucky like me,” her blinks suddenly quicken, “then maybe you’ll find it more than once.”

I smile at her, placing my other hand on top of hers.

“There’s only one person who can find you through the storm, though.” Mum looks at no one in particular. “Only one person who can make you fall, pick you up and make you feel alive like nothing else matters. Take it from me, that person… they never leave.”

Quiet. We’re all quiet. Still. Until Jess says, “Jesus Christ, Mum,” her voice thick with tears. Jess takes her hand away, picking up a napkin and blowing her nose.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry, Jess. Oh, I’ve gone and stuck my camel’s toe right in it.”

I look up at Jess, my eyes wide in horror. Then I’m blindsided by uncontrollable laughter. I slide down my chair, Jess doing the same, unable to breathe.

“What? What’s so funny?”

“What the fucking hell are you talking about?” Jess gasps, her eyes soaked.

I feel my face redden, my eyes aching from not being able to open them.

“Camel’s toe? What, is that not right?”

“Really, really not.” I snatch another napkin, trying to catch the tears streaming down my cheeks. “What on earth possessed you to say that?” I almost choke as I ask.

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