Page 45 of Straight to Me

He scoffs at my words, shaking his head. “She judged you, but I didn’t mean what I...”

Plonking the helmet on his head he grabs his sunglasses, then sits on the bike ignoring what I have to say. He starts the engine and waits for me to get on the back. I refuse. Instead I storm off past him. If he won’t listen, then that’s his fault.

I’m almost near the main road when the engine roars into life behind me. A sickly feeling washes over me as he pulls up in front of me, blocking my way. He kills the engine, kicking the stand down with such force I think it’s going to snap. Then he rips his sunglasses off his face and storms towards me where I stand holding my breath.

“Why aren’t you getting on the bike?”

“Because you won’t listen to what I’m trying to say.” I’m so grateful we’re out of ear shot from Michelle. My eyes are sharp, giving him the evils as he tries to understand what’s going on.

“Mads, get on the bloody bike. I have somewhere to be.”

“Then go, Dean.” His jaw clenches. He looks like a bomb’s about to explode inside him.

“Mads…”

I’m risking it but I’ll go with my instincts. “Dean,” I say, raising my eyebrows at him, pretty sure I just lit the fuse. His face turns a deeper shade of red.

“I don’t have time for this,” he argues, rubbing the bridge of his nose, clearly frustrated with my not playing ball. I’m not doing as I’m told like he’s used to me doing.

“Are you going to let me explain?” I ask.

Exasperated, he starts grumbling. I can tell he’s not used to being disputed like this. He turns his back to me, and I’m suddenly the angry one. “Michelle was frightened of you!” I roar.

Startled by my tone, he turns to look at me. “She said I wouldn’t get the place if the likes of you came by. It was a shit move and one I didn’t like taking, but she needed to hear that you wouldn’t be there. VP, I need this place. I haven’t had a place to call home for months!”

I stomp my foot on the floor, my face frowning my frustration. He looks at me bewildered. “You can stay with me!” he shouts, though not as loudly as before.

“No, I can’t.” I sigh, rubbing my temples. “I need to be independent, VP. My married life was fun to start with, but it became mundane. I stopped doing things for me. When Chris, my ex—” he frowns at the mention of his name, “—when he left, I thought my life was over. My life plan had been thrown away overnight. I didn’t know who I was without it. I’ve always been so routined and organised. Then I met you and with you everything since then has been so unplanned!”

He stands staring at me and shaking with annoyance as my voice gets louder. This is the first time I’ve really told him anything meaningful about me. He’s never asked, so I haven’t shared, yet he lets me continue. Perhaps he's intrigued.

“I didn’t plan on any of this happening. But then you went and gave me a weekend of firsts; my first ride on a Harley, my first time of sitting in a police van. I even punched that piece of scum in the barandhad sex in a public place. And while I wouldn’t change those experiences for the world, I need to take charge of my own life again. VP, I don’t even know who I am right now.”

My hands go to my head, exhausted and frustrated as I try to put into words what I need. I take a breath, lowering my tone, as my hands drop to my sides.

“Before you left, I had to fight with myself not to tell you I was moving up here. I wanted to, but it’s like I’m constantly spinning and have no control over if I’ll fall or not. The only things I'm certain Icancontrol right now, are where I live and where I work. Being with you again is fucking amazing, but I still need to figure out who I am. This is a reset for me and I’m sorry if you don’t get that, but this is something I need to do.”

He takes a minute before moving towards me. Holding my face in his hands, he pushes his lips to mine, taking my breath away.

When he pulls away, still holding my face, he looks into my eyes. “If you fall, let me be the one to catch you.” He sighs adding, "I'm sorry." I contemplate saying he should be, but then he hadn’t done anything wrong. Michelle judged him without knowing him and I allowed her.

“It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I just…”

“You just did what you had to do.”

He gets it.

I kiss him again as a silent thank you for understanding. “Now, can I please take you home?” he asks, giving me his gorgeous smile.

“Do you always need to be in control of everything?” I ask smiling, stepping back.

He lifts his head to the sky which looks like a silent plea for me to just give in and say I’ll go with him. “I don’t mean to. I’m just trying to look out for you, that’s all.”

Look out for me in a small way that he can. “You can take me home,” I say smiling.

He kisses the top of my head before he opens the side box for the helmet. I put it on and give him directions to Jess’s house. We settle into our usual positions, him leaning back against me as I push up against him.

He rides away quickly, having dropped me off and promising to call later. All I can do is hope that wherever he is, whatever needed his attention so urgently, he was safe.

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