Page 152 of Straight to Me

I take a breath before going into his room. He’s sat on the bed when I enter. “Here, I got this for you.” He holds out a carrier bag. I open it up and find it’s full to the brim with sanitary products.

“Why’ve you got all this?”

“Because it’s almost been a month since we went camping. I didn’t want you getting caught short again whilst you're staying with me.” My face widens with my smile and I try my hardest not to get emotional over his thoughtfulness.

“Thank you.”

“I won’t lie, didn’t have a fucking clue what I was getting.”

I sit down on the bed. “I can see,” I laugh as I pull out the widest variety of towels and tampons available on the market. I see things even I’ve never spent much time looking at. There’s about four different sized and shaped menstrual cups, reusable pads, and at the bottom of the bag is another box. As I take it out to see what else he found, I sense Dean holding his breath. I don’t know how to react as I pull out the pregnancy test.

Each time I see one it brings back the awful memories of month after month failing to get pregnant. The sheer heartache I felt at not being able to conceive left me feeling like a complete failure each time.

“Mads?” he says, staring wide eyed at me.

“I’m tired.” I put everything back in the bag. I don’t know what else to say. There’s no way I’m taking a test.

I’m unable to look at him. I know he means well, it just hurts too much. More to the point, why’s he buying a test anyway? Does he seriously think I lied about not being able to fall pregnant? My mind spins frantically trying to keep myself calm.

I stand up and he does the same. Taking the hint, he leaves without a word. I say goodnight from the door before closing it and bury myself under the covers.

After all the questions stopped floating around in my mind, I managed to get a good night’s sleep. I woke up before Dean, making us both breakfast before we leave. He’s adamant about taking me to my appointment, meaning this will be the first time I go on his bike since we split.

Climbing on the bike, my palms grow sweaty as I wrap my arms around him and grip his leather. Minus him carrying me upstairs last night, this was the most contact we’ve had since he kissed me that night at my flat.

My body hums as I push closer, tucking in safely behind him. He smells so good. Even through the visor of the helmet, his scent floods my entire body. Neither of us say a word on our way to the clinic.

“Madison Reed.” He stays seated whilst the doctor calls me through, like he promised. The nice doctor smiles as I stand, walking towards her. Just before she closes the door, I catch a glimpse of Dean in the waiting room, anxiously resting his elbows on his knees and watching me until I’m out of sight.

“So, Miss Reed, I haven’t seen you before. Is this your first time here?” I take a seat, lifting my handbag strap over my head.

“I’m new to the area.”

“Lovely. Well, you’re in safe hands here.” She smiles tapping the buttons on her keyboard. “How can I help you today?”

“I’m not sure,” I answer honestly. “I’ve been experiencing random bouts of sickness.”

“Okay,” she says, looking to her computer. “I see you had an appointment but cancelled due to illness. Has it been going on since then?”

“Uh, no. It stopped in between.” My lie catching up with me.

“Right. What was the first appointment you made for?”

“I,” my heart races at having to face this reality. “I tried for a year to have a baby with my ex-husband, but we couldn’t conceive. He’s now expecting with his new partner, so I had booked an appointment to see about a fertility check for myself.”

She nods at me as I speak. “Okay, so first thing to note is, a year isn’t a long time to try to conceive. Although it might feel like it, it’s actually really normal and common to take a few years. Is there a chance you could be pregnant now?”

My eyes widen and I fiddle with my hands on my lap. “Yes, I suppose there is.” She smiles tentatively as I look to her.

“Okay, and have you been experiencing any other symptoms? Dizziness? Skin irritation? Diarrhoea or constipation?” I shake my head. “And are you on any new medications? New diet? Allergies to anything?” she continues.

"I've been taking pain killers recently for a few broken ribs, that's it." She winces but smiles apologetically at me.

She asks a few more questions about my health, lifestyle, stress and family history before saying, “Alright, there doesn’t sound like there’s anything out of the norm so if you’re happy, I suggest we check whether you’re pregnant and go from there? But we might take a blood sample and see if there’s anything more to be concerned about.” The wheels on her chair creak and scrape as she slides to a drawer on a cabinet behind her. “You said you have pretty irregular cycles. What was the first day of your last period, do you know?”

“I can’t remember. I know I’m due Saturday or thereabouts, I never really know.”

“Alright. Do you have any tests at home or are you able to get one?” I nod. “Great. I’d recommend waiting until after you think your period is due and try to test your first wee of the day.” Again, I nod knowing the routine of when’s best to test. “I’ll just see if the nurse in today has any availability to take a blood sample,” she says.

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