Page 71 of Jagged Little Pieces

“There’s zero chance Austen has the stomach to set her father against her brother. She’s barely able to talk about Urick without falling apart.”

“Well, that’s too bad, but I suppose you could share with Mack what that guy said about getting paid. Just throw it out there as if you’re worried. But Mack seems like the kind of man who’s gotten rid of problems for Urick before. Just a thought.”

Smiling at his sneaky ways, I admit, “It’s a good one. Mack knows Peter better than we do. However, I don’t want this guy showing up here anytime soon. Austen’s walking a tightrope between trying something new and running home to her mom.”

As if beckoned by us speaking about her, Austen appears with Coco. They’ve been crying but not recently. When her gaze finds me, Austen’s expression promises she isn’t ready to give up on us.

AUSTEN

When Walla Walla doesn’t want me out of his sight, I hear Doctor Elway in my head. My psychiatrist is explaining how the biker hasn’t dealt with his emotions after nearly losing people important to him. Clinging to me is how he copes with the attack on his family.

Walla Walla came out of the battle unscathed, yet he has a friend still in the hospital. Dice often needs to sit down to deal with his double vision and vertigo. Smokey limps around the kitchen. Hobo’s also got a limp and is nursing other wounds. These people survived a traumatic event, yet they won’t cry and hide like I would. They push forward, bottling up their feelings to remain strong.

“When will you give me the cannabis?” I ask Walla Walla as the men heat the outside grill.

“You sound like such a narc when you said it like that,” he replies, grinning easily and kissing me. “Do you want it now?”

“I want you to take it with me. We can both relax.”

“I am relaxed.”

“Not really,” I say before asking, “Are you afraid to let your guard down?”

“With you, no. But I’m in charge here, and I don’t want to be fuzzy headed.”

“I’m reluctant to be stoned in front of you while you’re clearheaded.”

“That’s silly. You’ll only feel relaxed,” Walla Walla says, but I think he knows drugs affect everyone differently and I could get paranoid or weird. “Let’s just enjoy dinner and settle ourselves. When the Pigsty is quiet, I’ll get you baked, and we’ll see how things go.”

Smiling at his words, I’m very curious about life here at the Pigsty. Within the walls of this lodge, I’ve become more comfortable. The Pigsty exists in its own bubble. All afternoon, I breathe easier and find myself engaging with people.

While Coco sits outside, seeming claustrophobic as she deals with her feelings about the fire, I help Xenia in the industrialized kitchen tucked away at the back of the lodge. She’s new to this life, and I feel her pulling back when the bikers are bunched up.

Xenia and I make small talk as I help her cook. She spent most of her life in Vegas, working as a chef for her family’s restaurants.

Xenia’s body language goes stiff when I ask her questions about her old life or even moving to McMurdo Valley.

Shifting gears, I mention Hobo and Rose the Cat. Her shoulders loosen immediately.

“I love him,” Xenia says, wearing a little smile. “I’m rebuilding my life around that fact.”

Her words stick with me as I eat dinner outside next to Walla Walla at a long table. Coco sits on my other side and away from Goose and Tomcat.

The conversation around me involves names of people I haven’t met. There seems to be some concern about Ruin’s visit tomorrow. I can’t tell if he’s angry at someone here. Everyone hints at his temper, but Walla Walla shuts down any negative conversations.

I don’t push him or myself during dinner. Afterward, people break off into groups. I want to be alone with Walla Walla, yet I stick close to Coco. She doesn’t feel comfortable with anyone. Goose is acting weird. Tomcat constantly flirts, not just with her but also with Xenia and me. I suspect he might be a sex addict with how he can’t turn it off.

The two younger men are passive around Walla Walla. They don’t enter my space, seeming very aware of his mood when he thinks I’m being crowded.

Hobo and Xenia disappear soon after dinner. I like how quiet they are together as if they move at the same speed. I wonder if I’ll ever share such peaceful cohabitation with Walla Walla.

“Different is okay,” he says when I mention my thoughts after Coco heads to bed and I’m alone with him in a living space tucked away at the back of the lodge. “Xenia and Hobo aren’t that similar. They have completely different histories. And I say that without knowing Xenia’s backstory. I just know no one grew up like Hobo and his sister did. So, it’s not like he found someone wired like him. He just found someone who makes him feel right inside.”

Settling next to him on the lush leather couch, I admit, “I fear I’ll say or do something terrible while stoned.”

Walla Walla kisses the top of my head. “Baby, you’re afraid of pretty much everything.”

“That’s not true.”

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