Page 59 of Beauty and Kaos

“It’s only sex,” I say, and I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince him or me. “Nothing else.”

“I want that to be true. Because if it’s not, I’m really fucked.” He leans back, takes a sip of water, and picks up one of the ice cubes from the glass. He places it in his mouth, his hands sliding up my thighs to my ass as he pulls me closer to the edge of the counter. Then he removes the ice cube, and leans in close, fixing his mouth on my neck.

I leap at the contrast of his ice-cold tongue against my hot skin, my hands threading into his hair as his mouth travels to my breast. My breath catches, and a shiver races through me as I hold him there, leaning into his touch as his tongue circles my areola, his teeth grazing my nipple.

“You drive me crazy,” I admit, my head falling back.

“Honey, I’ve only just begun.”

“Is that a threat?”

He smiles. “It’s a promise.” He pulls me off the counter,and picks the candle back up. “Come on.” He leads me through the living room, and out sliding door to the back of the boat. Off on the side is a metal staircase, and he waves me on ahead of him. The ocean air flows around my naked body, tumbling my hair behind me as I reach the top step and walk out onto the deck.

The deck is partially covered, with bench seats and a steering wheel surrounded by a wall of dials. I walk over to examine it, and place my hand on the cool metal of the wheel. Various steel levers are mounted below the dials, with a domed compass in the center, swaying slightly with the rock of the ocean.

“Does this work?” I ask, glancing over at him.

He nods. “Almost. It washed ashore in a hurricane two years ago. I pulled the call numbers and found the owner, a guy up in Michigan. Retired, had no interest in the boat anymore. Definitely didn’t care to tow it off the beach. I bought it and towed it here. Made it livable. Making it so it can live somewhere else? In progress.”

“Do you want to live anywhere else?” I ask, glancing out at the other boats bobbing in waves beside us, and the dim lights of the businesses just up the beach. Beautiful and peaceful. “It’s hard to find a better view than this.”

“I want to travel. Take it around the coast. Dock in different cities. Try different food. Explore. I haven’t spent much time outside Pelican Beach, and I want to do it on my own terms.” He glances over at the beach. “But this will always be home.” He takes my hand, and we wander across the deck, out from beneath the overhang of the steering area to a large outdoor daybed near the balcony. He pulls open one of the bench seatsto remove a fluffy gray blanket, and sets the candle down on a table beside the bed.

Zaden walks to me and kisses me, sinking into it as he tosses the blanket on the bed. I wrap my arms around his neck, pressing my naked body flush against his as he lifts me and tumbles us back onto the daybed. I straddle his lap, trailing kisses across his jaw.

He pulls a cigarette out of a pack on the table, and lights it, taking a deep pull before offering it to me. I hit it, and a wave of euphoria rolls through me from my toes to my head, releasing with the smoke that tumbles from my lips.

“If this is just sex,” he says, his hands gliding down my back to rest on my ass. I roll my hips, his cock sliding against the slick warmth inside me, and he groans. “I guess it’s about time you leave.”

I smile. “You promised me breakfast.”

“I’ll promise you more than that if you give me the chance.”

I shake my head, leaning over him as I grab a foil package off the table beside the candle. “Fucking, not feelings,” I remind him as I roll the condom on. I rise and guide him inside me, sinking slowly onto his hardened shaft. His breath catches as I rock against him, leaning back to hit the cigarette as I ride him. His eyes lock on mine as he takes the cigarette from between my fingers, takes a drag, and drops it into an ashtray on the table.

I feel guilty for using him, for fucking out all my frustration and grief and hopelessness and anger on him. Without the backstory, he sees feelings, and I hate myself for that. Regardless of how I feel, it’s not real. He wants Ivy. Not me.

I thought I could want him. I thought I could have him, and still feel indifferent. Detached. Locked onto that singlefocus of Paige and truth. I just wanted to feel alive, somehow, in some way, through these days that string on in an endless cycle of pain and despair. But I can’t. It’s not just fucking, and I know it. I’m falling for him. And I don’t even really exist.

I match my rhythm with the roll of the waves through the marina, rising and falling as they do. He wraps his arms around me, rocking against me, his breath hot against my skin as he fixes his mouth on my breast. I tremble on the edge of my orgasm, pulling him closer, burying my hands in his shaggy dark hair. His lips find mine.

“Don’t close your eyes,” he says, and I lift my lashes to peer into his ice-blue eyes. “I want to see you come.”

My breath falls in gasps against his lips as he works my hips against him, pushing me farther. I hold his gaze, my body shaking as I cling to him, and let go. The stars overhead spin around us, the salt air tumbling my hair down my back as we fall. Together. In a tangle of limbs and ragged breaths, we collapse on the daybed. My head on his chest, his heart thundering beneath me as he pulls the blanket over us.

“I was just kidding about you leaving,” he says, and I smile.

“I’m too exhausted to leave,” I admit.

A line of orange creeps at the edge of the horizon, beyond the dark blue roll of the waves, with fingers stretching into the infinite field of stars. It feels safe. Like home. Some version of home I’ve never known. I want it to be real.

But it’s not.

I close my eyes, the rock of the boat and the crash of the waves lulling me to sleep. Content in this moment, if this is all I can have.

Chapter 17

Zaden

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