Page 48 of The Broken Vows

Each of her letters is the same — Lily detailing her week and telling her mom how worried she is about Zane and me growing closer, how she can’t bring herself to face me or ask about our relationship, because she doesn’t want to know. All the while, nothing changed between Zane and her. Each time she writes about the flowers he gives her, it kills a little part of me. I always thought the flowers were just mine, something he never shared with anyone but me. It’s odd how that stands out amongst everything.

Dear Mom,

Zane is increasingly growing more distant, and I know it’s because of Celeste. I suspect he’s trying to just let this thing between us fizzle out naturally, and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t want to go back to being just friends with him, or even less than that. If he keeps this up, it’ll be like nothing ever happened between us, which is probably what he wants — to forget what he did with his girlfriend’s best friend for months.

I feel awful for wishing they’d end things soon. I need things to go back to the way it’s supposed to be. He can’t be happy with her, not truly, and he can’t make Celeste as happy as she deserves to be.

Even if I wasn’t in love with him, I wouldn’t want her to be ridiculed by Zane’s grandmother. I don’t want her to feel the pain of not fitting in, not being accepted. I’m tempted to tell her everything, but she’d never forgive me. Eventually, reality will catch up on Celeste, and she’ll realize that being with Zane means having to give up her company. Her grandfather would disown her if he found out.

They can’t last, and the quicker they end things, the quicker she can move on and find her own person instead of hanging on to mine.

Is this my selfishness speaking? I can’t tell anymore. I’m scared I’m losing him, and I’m getting tired of waiting. What do I do, Mom? I can’t give up on him, but I can’t bear the pain much longer.

It hurts to read about her torment, how despite her love for Zane, she didn’t want to hurt me, didn’t want to lose me. Would I have felt the same, had I known?

Mom,

It’s over. I knew it the moment I walked into Celeste’s parents’ kitchen and found Zane standing there. I didn’t think it’d ever happen, but her parents seem to have accepted their relationship. She looked so insanely happy, and it killed me to see it. I want that for her — I just wish it wasn’t with the man I love more than life itself.

Zane didn’t have to say anything for me to know we’re done. He chose her, and he didn’t even have the guts to tell me to my face. I don’t think I can survive this, Mom. I wish you were here. More than anything, I just need a hug.

You know what hurts the most? Normally, I’d have gone to Celeste, and she’d have consoled me until the pain dulled. Now she’s the only person in the world that can never find out about what I’ve done.

I begin to sob all over again, for everything I’ve lost, everything I unknowingly put Lily through. I wasn’t there when she needed me, and if I had been, she might never have gone to that bridge at all. I let my eyes fall closed, nausea hitting me hard as every memory with Zane flashes through my mind, merging with everything I’ve just read. Each work trip he went on, each time he worked late, each mention of Lily. I never saw this coming — he strung us both along, and I can’t understand why. Was he messing with me when we first started dating, his attempts of seduction a smokescreen for his attempts to ruin Harrison Developments? Perhaps he never intended to fall for me, never meant to let things get this far.

Dear Mom,

I’ll get to meet you soon — or so I hope, anyway. I’ve never really thought about heaven and hell. I always liked to imagine that you were still here with me, just in a different form. But you would’ve gone to heaven, wouldn’t you? I don’t think that’s where I’m going, Mom.

I can’t stay here any longer, can’t be around Celeste. Every time I speak to her, she talks about Zane, and how they’re working on getting their relationship accepted by their grandparents so they can get married.

Married.

She’d ask me to be her maid of honor, of course, and it’d destroy me. I can’t watch him be happy with her, and it’s making me crazy. It gives me thoughts I don’t want to have, makes me wonder what I could do to make him see me again, and only me.

I can’t be that person, can’t be the one that steals away Celeste’s happiness. I still love her so much, despite everything. I’ve never felt this much guilt and shame. Not even after what happened to you, Mom. That makes me a horrible person, doesn’t it?

I know she’ll never forgive me, but I have to tell her the truth before I come see you. If she marries Zane, she should do it knowing what kind of person he truly is. What if I wasn’t the only one? What if there’s someone else after me? I need her to know, but I won’t be able to handle the fallout, the loss of our friendship. It’s selfish, choosing to leave her and this world right after telling her everything, but I know I won’t be able to handle her heartache, that look of betrayal.

I just hope that one day, Zane will know what it’s like to be so blinded by love that you betray the ones closest to you for a mere glimpse of happiness, only to lose your soul in the process.

I hope Zane ends up paying for his sins, like I will.

That is my last wish.

If there’s a God in this universe of ours, he’ll grant that wish, won’t he?

PARTTWO

The Present

Five Years Later

ChapterThirty-Six

Zane

The gold embossed lettering on tonight’s benefit dinner invitation glistens in the light, the name of Clifton Emerson’s latest hotel taunting me.The Calypso. A soft huff escapes my lips as I hand the invite over at the entrance of the ballroom, unsure what I’m even doing here.

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