Page 121 of Dirty Saint

A NURSE CHECKING ON TORI woke me, and I jumped, prepared to fight—ready to protect. My mind was so fucked I was waiting for the next hit at any second. It wasn’t until the hospital room around me came into focus and I looked over to see Tori lying motionless beside me that the entire situation rushed through my memory.

I slid out of the hospital bed, cracking my neck and stretching the stiffness from my body. Tori hadn’t slept well. She tossed and turned, cried in her sleep, begging for her sister, and all I could do was hold her. A few times, she woke to look at me and turn away. She hadn’t spoken to me or acknowledged me, but I wasn’t going to leave her side.

My plan to leave her alone and rescue her from myself was off. She was all alone in the world, with Gracie being gone. There was no way I would let her go. No matter how often she glared at me, blamed me, or hated me. I loved Tori and would ensure she was cared for regardless of how she felt about me.

The nurses were in the room a lot, and when they removed Tori’s chest tube, she refused to hold my hand. Watching her scream in pain and not being able to at least hold her hand had almost been my undoing, but I held strong … for her.

I was surprised she didn’t tell me to go away completely. I sat by and waited until the moment when she told the nursing staff to make me leave, but to my relief, she never did. She didn’t want me there but didn’t want me gone, which made my heart a little lighter.

People came and went, visiting with Tori even though she barely acknowledged them. The crew stopped by to bring food and comfort items. Waffle House employees and her friend Sadie stopped in, but Tori didn’t speak to them. She stared into the space around them as if they weren’t even there. I assured them she would be okay, but I didn’t know if that was true.

The room filled with flowers, bringing the scent of the outdoors into the space, but nothing lifted her spirits. Days passed, and each day, Tori grew physically stronger, moving around the room more and doing things for herself more, but mentally, she was fractured.

I refused to leave her alone, too afraid she would do something to harm herself. When I needed to go home and shower, Skull and Everly would come and sit with her, and even then, she declined to speak. She was locked inside herself, and I didn’t think I would ever find the key to release her.

When the day before her release from the hospital came, she had already been there for well over two weeks. She was out of bed, moving around the room slowly, hissing when she moved a certain way and sending worry my way.

“How are you feeling?” I asked, packing up the bag of things I had brought to the hospital for her.

The rolling table next to the door was full of flower arrangements, and I placed her bag of things beside it. We were ready to go.

She didn’t look at me, but she did finally respond. “Like I’ve been shot.”

I stiffened at her words. Because of me and my lifestyle, Tori had lost her father, had been shot, and had lost her sister. She had nothing left, and her voice was as crushed and alone as I knew she felt.

“Why did you do that?” I asked, my voice broken and sad.

With the loss of Gracie, we hadn’t had a chance to speak about the night of the riot or what went down. She hadn’t asked about Donny B. She hadn’t asked about anything.

She still hadn’t looked at me. “It’s not like I got shot on purpose,” she snapped sarcastically.

“You jumped in front of a bullet, Tori.”

Her wild eyes clashed with mine, the dark circles making her eyes look sunken and frail. “Are you blaming me for getting shot?”

I shook my head and started toward her, but she held up a hand, stopping me. “Of course not,” I answered. “I just don’t understand what made you move in the way.”

She shook her head. “I didn’t think. I just did it.”

“For Joker?”

The heartbreak in her eyes was killing me. “For you. He’s your best friend. I didn’t want to take anything else away from you.”

I wanted to hold her. She had no idea what she was talking about. I hadn’t lost anything because of her. I had gained so much.

“You haven’t taken anything away from me. It’s me who’s taken everything from you. I’m so sorry, Tori.”

She nodded but didn’t respond.

Instead, she went to the hospital window with her arms crossed protectively around her center and stared at the parking lot. She was pale, her hair tangled, and her lips chapped. Sweatpants hung from her petite form, and a T-shirt that once fit her perfectly draped down her body and hung from her arms.

She looked like she had been through it all, and I knew she had. Still, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen—a survivor—my heart walking around in the world. I couldn’t believe I had thought about leaving her side before. Then again, if I had done so sooner, she wouldn’t be the way she is now—wounded and missing her little sister.

“I have to run a few errands, but Everly is going to sit with you, okay?”

She turned and narrowed her eyes at me. “I’m not a baby, Koah. I don’t need a babysitter.”

“She’s not coming for you. She’s coming for me.”

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