Page 73 of Thick & Thin

My heart ached. Upsetting Mrs. Black was the last thing I wanted to do.

“I’m sorry I upset her. I just thought since you were a total dick the last time I saw you, I should probably stay away.”

“From me, yes, but right now, until she’s stronger, if she wants you around, that’s fine. Just stay out of my way.”

“More like you should stay out of my way.” I turned away from him, but again, he stopped me.

He let go of my arm and touched the sleeve of my black dress with two fingers.

“Black was never your color. It washes you out so badly.”

Hurt struck my heart, but instead, I chuckled and shook my head. “More insults? Really, Josh? How old are you?”

“Old enough to know to stay away from shitty people like you.”

I was getting mad, which was a good thing since before I felt like crying, and crying in front of Josh was the last thing I wanted to do.

“Oh my God! Whatever, Josh,” I exploded. “I’m the shitty person?” I asked, jabbing myself in the chest with my finger. “You’re the one who had your entire family kick me out of your house. You pushed me away, not the other way around. You pushed, and I ran.”

“And that’s exactly what you did, isn’t it? You hauled ass back to Texas and rode every cock in sight. Fuck me and my family, right?”

My mouth fell open at his words. It was time he knew how fucking wrong he was. It was time I stood up for myself. I could do that without telling him he was Caleb’s father. I could lie and say there was one other person. Sleeping with two men wasn’t slutty, as the town called it. But just as I opened my mouth to tell him how wrong he was about me, Caleb tapped on the back glass of my car and called out for me.

“Mommy!” His muffled voice sounded from inside my car.

My baby was hungry, and the more I thought about it, the less I gave two shits about what Joshua fucking Black thought about me.

“You know what, Josh? Fuck you. Fuck you hard.”

His chuckle was dry. “No, thanks. There’s no telling how many men have plowed that field.”

Then he turned and walked away from me, leaving me staring at his back with the strong desire to get in my car and run him over. If it hadn’t been for my baby boy in the back seat begging for chicken nuggets, I probably would have.

24

Josh

Seeing Jenny would never get easy.The hurt and anger would always be there for as long as I lived. But seeing her lift her little boy into her arms and knowing I would never have that with her, or anyone for that matter, shattered me. My heartbreak and resentment transformed into something dangerous that I wasn’t sure I could control.

When she walked away from my mom, her son on her hip, and her long hair falling down her back almost touching her round luscious ass, I found myself following her, my shoes tearing across the grass in angry strides that brought me to the car she had gotten for graduation.

I tried not to admire how nice it looked while I waited impatiently for her to buckle her son it. When she shut the door and I was sure the little guy wouldn’t hear me, I let loose on her. Angry words spewed from my lips, and even though I knew I would feel like shit later that night, I didn’t stop them. I was hurting, and I wanted her to hurt too. It was only fair.

When I walked away from her, I did so with my heart in my stomach. Bile and acid ate it, making me burn everywhere. I was in the process of burying my father. My mother wouldn’t stop fucking crying, and my sister was being the biggest bitch on the East Coast.

I was aware that I had fucked up. I was aware that a good son would have been there. I knew I was a piece of shit, but I couldn’t rewind time, and if I could, I would go back to the moment I enlisted in the military.

That would have changed everything. I wouldn’t have gone to boot camp. I would have spent the summer after graduation with Jenny, loving her and being loved by her. Then I would have waited at home while she went to college. I would have been there to work on the farm for my dad, allowing him to retire and work when he wanted to. And once Jenny came home from college, I would have asked her to marry me. We would be together. We would have kids. Things would be as they should be.

But that wasn’t possible. Instead, Jenny and I were nothing to each other, and my father was cold in a casket waiting to be stuffed in the ground. I could never have kids, and I wasn’t sure I would ever be myself again mentally or physically.

Jenny’s car roared to life behind me, the engine sounding as beautiful as I imagined Jenny’s muscle car would sound, and I heard the engine switch gears when she pulled away from the curb and took off down the street.

The rest of the day was a blur. We returned to the house where people brought food and visited with my mom. I stood in the corner and prayed that Jenny wouldn’t come through the front door. Slowly, the crowd began to clear from the house, leaving me alone with Mom, Genie, Jimmy, their girls, and Ashley, who was packed and waiting for her Uber to take her to the airport even though I told her I would drive her.

I wasn’t sure how things would go once Ashley left. She was my support, had been since the fucking IED blew our shit to pieces. She assured me I would be fine without her, but I worried. My family hadn’t seen me have one of my episodes, and although it had been a long while since I’d had one, I worried that all the stress of the past few days would push me over the edge.

“Call me if you need me, okay?” she said as I loaded her bags in the back of a little Ford Focus her Uber driver was driving.

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