Page 68 of Thick & Thin

Jenny

I didn’t stay longafter Josh left. Even through my hard exterior, I was having a hard time keeping the tears from falling after his comments about my weight. If it had been anyone else, I wouldn’t have cared. I would have replied with sarcasm followed by a kiss my ass remark. But not with Josh. He was my weakness and had been since we were younger.

Amy had come back just as Josh was walking away from me, and even though she didn’t mention it, I was sure she knew I was minutes away from breaking down.

“I’m beat,” I said, pretending I was tired instead of heartbroken.

Amy attempted to smile at me in an understanding manner, but I wasn’t stupid enough to believe she didn’t know something was up. She didn’t question me when I stood from my stool.

“I’m going to get home and get some rest.”

Keeping the tears out of my voice was an accomplishment. I had never been prouder of myself.

“Do you want me to go with you?” she asked.

“Thank you, but no. I want to get home and catch up on sleep. I had fun, though. We should do it again sometime.”

That was a lie.

I never wanted to go to Sprints again. I needed to stick with what I had been doing.

Work.

Caleb.

And nothing else.

It was easier that way.

We hugged, and I said goodbye to the group who had come with us. It was all people I didn’t really know, and I hadn’t said much to them and kept to myself at the bar. Amy didn’t seem to mind, so it worked out.

Once I was in my car, I tossed my things on the passenger’s seat and took a deep breath. It was as if I was breathing for the first time since seeing Josh’s face again. I replayed our interaction through my mind, thinking of all the things I wish I had said to him. If only had been able to think that clearly when I was face to face with him.

My car rumbled when I cranked it, drawing the attention of a few stragglers hanging out in the parking lot, and when I pulled away, I did so with my foot heavy on the gas pedal and leaving a bit of my tires behind.

Driving home, I went the long way, listening to the radio and feeling sorry for myself. Without Caleb in the car with me, I had no reason to hold it together, and I found myself sobbing behind the wheel at the last red light before my house.

Pathetic.

That was what I was.

A woman who had allowed a man to define her. I swore I would never be that woman, yet there I was, crying over careless words of the man I had spent most of my life loving.

“Fuck.” I sniffled and swiped at the tears rolling down my cheeks. “Get your shit together, Jenny.”

A car behind me honked their horn, letting me know the light was green, and I wasn’t moving. I pressed on the gas and sped away from the light, ready to get home and sleep the night off. Tomorrow would be a better day. Hopefully, I could forget Josh’s brutal words and move on.

Going home without Caleb was hard, but I knew he was in good hands with Lilly and Devin. When I pulled up to the house, the lights were out. I hadn’t stayed out late. The truth was, the second Josh walked away from me and left Sprints, I wanted to run. Going out had been a bad idea, and instead of getting out and having a nice time, I was coming home angry and hurt.

Once I was in my bedroom, I undressed, keeping my eyes away from the full-length mirror in the corner of my room. I didn’t want to see myself—to see that everything Josh had said earlier in the night was true.

I had let myself go.

It was what moms did.

I didn’t have time for healthy eating when my little man had days where he would only eat chicken nuggets. How was I supposed to find time to work eight to ten hours a day and go to the gym without missing out on time with my son? People had told me when I was pregnant how quickly time passed. One second, they’re wrinkled and tiny, snuggling in your arms like little balls of warmth, and the next, they’re running around outside and chasing the yard cats. They come inside dirty and smelling like a puppy with no signs of your tiny baby anywhere in sight.

I didn’t want to waste time in a gym when I could be snuggling on the couch with my boy watching cartoons. There were more important things. And since I had a feeling Caleb was going to be my only child, I meant to make time for the moments I would never get to experience again.

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