Page 61 of Thick & Thin

It took me thirty minutes to get home, after driving backroads and getting lost in the music, but when I pulled up into our driveway, Dad’s old trusty Ford was sitting under the carport. I sat, listening to the rumble of my engine, before I cut it off and climbed from my car. The door creaked when I pushed it closed. I loved the sound of old cars. The grind of their gears and a heaviness of their frame.

Caleb was asleep, so once I got inside, I took him straight to his bedroom, Devin’s old bedroom, and put him to bed. I went to my room, tossed my bag and keys on the dresser, and went for a shower. I heard Dad fumbling around in the kitchen through the bathroom wall until I turned on the shower. I tugged my T-shirt over my head and unbuttoned my jeans as I kicked off my flip-flops. Then I turned around and faced myself in the standup mirror on the bathroom wall.

Once upon a time, I had a waist. My boobs used to be smaller and were so perky I rarely wore a bra. My stomach used to be toned and flat, and the only time it ever rolled was when I sat down. And my hips used to be slim enough to wear men’s jeans comfortably.

My body had changed so much in the past two years. I gained fifty pounds during my pregnancy. The pre-eclampsia had been hell. Instead of having the natural childbirth I had hoped for, I had laid in a cold room, numb from my shoulders down, with Lilly by my side as they sliced me open and pulled Caleb from my body.

Unfortunately, I was left with fifty pounds that seemed to never go away no matter what I did and a gnarly cesarean scar. Caleb was worth it, but looking in the mirror, I couldn’t help but miss my old shape. My tanned skin and hard body. My beautiful breasts that I hadn’t cared about, which now sagged after feeding my son for the first year of his life. My body was disgusting, and I wasn’t sure I would ever get naked around another human being again.

Josh had been my one and only.

The only man to ever touch me. To see me naked. To taste me.

There were nights I still touched myself thinking about my night with him. I hated him, but I loved him. I never wanted to see his face again, but I missed him. It was hell.

Reaching down, I ran my palms over my stomach and the two large fat rolls that I couldn’t seem to get rid of. I hated what I saw. I was disgusted with the dimples in my thighs and my muffin top stomach. My legs weren’t lean and long the way they used to be. Instead, they looked shorter and were round with thickness.

Looking away, I took off my bra and shed my underwear before I pulled back the shower curtain and climbed inside the shower. The hot water felt amazing against my skin, and I closed my eyes, breathing out the stress and pressure of the day. It wasn’t that people put a lot on me; it was that I put a lot on myself.

Heartbreak and being a single mother would do that to you, I supposed.

After a long, hot shower, I went to bed that night feeling strange. Knowing that Josh was just down the road at his parents' house made my body and soul feel itchy. I wasn’t stupid. Walterboro wasn’t a large town, and I couldn’t stay locked in the house all the time. I was bound to run into him at some point, especially since I knew Mrs. Black would be calling to see Caleb, and that was the last thing I wanted. I didn’t want him to see me. I was embarrassed by the way I looked.

When I saw him again, I wanted to be attractive. Maybe wearing something that I would have never worn back when we used to hang out. Maybe with a touch of makeup and my hair down. I didn’t know. Anything that would make Josh regret his decision to cut me from his life with no explanation whatsoever.

But there was no hiding what I had become.

I would have to face him at some point.

The next day was exactly like the day before. I worked the office at the garage, not putting my new degree to use at all, then I cleaned the office. If I was going to work there, the place was going to run smoothly. After Dad and Devin left for the day, Amy stopped by and kept me company.

“A few of us are going to Sprints tonight for drinks. You should go with us.”

I looked at Amy like she had grown an extra head before chuckling at her as if she had just told a joke.

“I’m serious, Jen. It’s Friday. You’ve done nothing but work and stay home since you got home from Texas. Snap out of it, chick. Let’s go get fucked up and have a night. We’re young, hot, and single. See if Lilly will keep Caleb and come along. It will be good for you.”

Her words slammed into my chest like a wrecking ball, and I know I flinched. Young and hot was a definite no, but I was for sure single. I would be for the rest of my life, I was sure.

I schooled my expression and shook my head. “I’m good. I think I’m going to go home and catch up on my shows. Spend some time with Caleb.”

She sighed with annoyance. “You can’t stay locked in this place and in your house forever, you know?”

“I know. That’s not what I’m doing. I’m just mentally exhausted, you know. Plus, I’m still trying to get the hang of things.”

“That’s bullshit. You just want to blow me off again. Are you avoiding Josh? Because I’m sure we won’t see him at Sprints. The chances of me running into him three times in two days are slim.”

“I’m not avoiding anyone.” Then a thought hit me. “You saw him again?”

I hadn’t meant to sound curious, but I couldn’t help myself. I needed to know how he was.

Did he seem okay?

Happy?

As miserable as I was?

“Yeah. I saw him at Walmart about two hours ago, picking up some groceries for his momma. He was with some girl. Brandy thinks they might be engaged because the chick has a ring on her finger that looked like it could sink a boat.”

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