Page 50 of Thick & Thin

“Jenny? Are you okay?” Lilly asked, but before I could answer, the room shifted around me.

I reached out for the counter, feeling myself lose the fight with my balance, but my legs went weak before I could catch myself. I passed out in the center of the kitchen and dropped to the floor in a heap of sweaty heartache.

16

Josh

When I woke in a hospitalin Germany, I was no longer the boy I used to be. War was no fucking joke, and getting blown to hell by an IED wasn’t either. Physically, I had cuts and bruises from flying debris. My right arm was broken, and I had a few broken fingers and two broken ribs. My lower stomach and thighs were killing me thanks to a piece of heavy metal that landed on top of me and crushed one of my testicles.

The doctors said I would be able to perform again, but I would never father children. The fucked-up part was, the piece of metal that took away my ability to have a family was also the reason I survived. It had taken from me and shielded me at the same time.

I couldn’t complain.

At least I was alive.

Others hadn’t been so lucky.

We lost three men that day, and everyone in the convoy was injured. My buddy Clark lost both his legs, and Johnson, the oldest in our group, had lost an arm, and the side of his face was burned to hell. I had been lucky, and Ashley, the only woman traveling in our convoy who had been sitting directly beside me, had been lucky, as well.

At least that was what I thought.

It wasn’t until a week later that all the terrible stuff began to happen. I began to slowly lose touch with reality. I was experiencing extreme headaches and irrational bouts of anger. I kept forgetting where I was, and I would freak out, thinking I was lost. Sometimes, small flashes of memory would explode in my brain and push me over the edge. I would find myself swinging at everything and nothing all at once. The flight from Germany had almost done me in.

I thought for sure once my bones healed, I could get my shit straight and get back in the field, but that wasn’t going to happen. I hadn’t expected the severe bouts of anxiety that had me thinking everyone was out to kill me or the terrible nightmares that left me breathless and grabbing for guns that were no longer at my side.

The explosion happened several times a day from that point on. Except no one else heard it or saw it. I was left looking like a crazed maniac who was dangerous not only to myself but everyone around me too.

By the time I reached American soil, I knew I was no longer the Josh my family and friends remembered. The carefree me was long gone, and in his stead was a crazy fucker who had delusions and could snap at the drop of a hat.

My parents welcomed me home with open arms, but I knew I couldn’t stay. I never wanted to be a burden on them, and while I was physically doing well, mentally I was a mess. I never felt at ease, even in my own bed in the home I grew up in.

Word moved through a small town like a tsunami, filling people’s mouths with the gossip of my injuries and how bad it was or wasn’t. I knew it was only a matter of time before Jenny came running home from Texas for me. I wasn’t even home for twenty-four hours before she came bursting into my bedroom. Her hair was unruly, and her cheeks were flushed. She was wild with worry for me, and at that moment, she had been the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on.

I wanted to go to her. I needed her to hold me and tell me I everything was going to be okay. Jenny had always been a comfort in my life. My best friend. The person who knew me better than I knew myself, but I loved Jenny enough to know I was no good for her. I cared about her too much to put all my bullshit on her.

I couldn’t see her, and I especially didn’t want her to see me. Not in the shape I was in. I didn’t want her to see me so broken and fucked up. I needed help, and while Jenny had always been the one to get me through the hard times in my life, I knew what was going on with me was too much for her.

Even though it was more painful than any explosion of war, I did something I had never done before. I pushed her away. I yelled at her, treating her in a way no candy could ever fix. I was essentially throwing rocks at her to keep her away from a dangerous boulder.

Me.

I was unsafe.

And over my dead body would I put her in any kind of jeopardy.

She fled my room before her tears could fall, and I appreciated that. I wasn’t sure I could keep it up if she cried, but I knew it was for the best. I wouldn’t do this to her. I wouldn’t pull her down with me. My life was over, but hers was just beginning. I loved her enough to leave her alone and let her go, and that was exactly what I was doing.

When you were as broken as I was and you loved something, you set it free and prayed to God it stayed gone.

17

Jenny

“Would you like to askyour family to leave the room before I give you, you’re results?” the ER doctor asked when he entered the room.

Oh God.

I was dying.

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