Page 46 of Thick & Thin

“Then I’ll do the same.”

“I don’t want you do that, Jen. I feel like I’m taking something away from you.”

“You are. You’re takingyouaway from me, but I get it, and I understand now’s not a good time.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered into the phone.

“No, you were right. We have to start our lives, but Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“Please come home safe to me.”

“I will. I promise.”

And that was the first time I ever broke a promise to Jenny.

15

Jenny

The weeks dragged by,but sadly, Josh wasn’t coming back after training like we had hoped. The day before he was scheduled to return home, he was handed his orders for deployment. They stationed him in Afghanistan, and without being able to see his family or me one more time, he was on a plane and on his way across the ocean.

It wasn’t like we even talked much during the weeks before his deployment. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I had hoped Josh and I would get to talk constantly while he was at Fort Benning. That was not what happened. We talked a handful of times before he was deployed, and I left for Texas. Basic training had taken a ton out of him, and by the time he was in the less strict environment of advanced individual training, I was the one too busy preparing for school.

Fucking Afghanistan.

I mean, seriously, could they have sent him any farther away?

I was once again devastated we would be so far apart from each other. We talked even less from that point on since I was usually sleeping when he was awake and vice versa. I moved into my dorm with a few things since I didn’t want to bring a ton from South Carolina, and I mostly kept to myself. My dormmate, Daria, a goth girl from Seattle, was even more of an introvert than I was. We passed each other between classes, but most nights, she slept away from our dorm, leaving me to live alone, which was fine by me.

Even with everything going on—my classes, getting adjusted to college life, and trying to keep up with my rigorous schedule—I managed to keep my mind on Josh. I missed him so much it made me feel sick, and I felt more than pathetic about it. I couldn’t focus in class like I wanted, and my notes were a mess. I found myself googling things about Afghanistan when I sat down in front of my laptop to do homework.

After seeing pictures of the devastation of a war-torn country, I would spend the remaining hours worrying about him.

Was he safe?

Did he have friends who had his back?

And if he was safe, was he spending his time thinking about me as much as I thought about him?

Did he regret our last moments together?

Did he regret having sex with me?

Did I force myself on him?

I was probably the only woman in the world to break her own hymen.

I didn’t know. Maybe he wasn’t as busy as he said, and instead, he was avoiding me because he didn’t know how to tell me he had been wrong about his feelings. That he didn’t love me, and he should have never said it. If that were the case, I wanted him to know I would take him any way I could get him. I had been nothing but friends with Josh for twelve years. I had no problem whatsoever keeping it that way. No matter how much my heart and body felt differently.

The days passed, and before long, I was a few weeks into my first college semester. My days were a mix of classwork and homework, and my nights were spent hovering over my cell and laptop, waiting to hear from Josh.

I was in English, the professor going on about a literary assignment I had no interest in. With my cell on silent, I had no idea it had been going off the entire time. Once class was over and I was able to pull my phone out, I saw that I had five missed calls from Lilly. I tried to call her back, but her phone kept giving me a busy signal, which did nothing to keep my panic at bay.

I had barely stepped foot into my dorm when I got a terrifying call from Lilly. She was calm because that was her way, but I could hear the shaking and worry in her voice.

“Hey, hon, how’s school going?”

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