Page 37 of Thick & Thin

I leaned casually against his dresser like I was unfazed by his closeness when really, I was shaking inside. I had spent my entire life close to Josh, but this was different. He was being different.

He reached up and tucked my stray hairs behind my ear. I kept my hair in a ponytail, but on occasion, pieces would fall out, and I never cared enough to smooth it back.

“I’m going to miss you so fucking much, Jen. We’ve barely spent a day away from each other. How the hell am I going to handle six months without you?”

Itwasgoing to be six months. Especially if he didn’t come back from basic before I left for Texas. I wouldn’t be coming back to South Carolina until Thanksgiving, but I hadn’t thought about that. I was having a hard enough time trying to get over fourteen weeks. If I thought about six months without him, I wouldn’t let him leave.

I playfully tapped him on the arm, trying to break the strange feeling that had enveloped us. “You’re not going to. You can’t live without me.”

I was playing, but his face went serious, and I knew I had pushed a button.

“You’re right. I can’t.”

Again, I swallowed. “Then stay. Stay here with me. We can spend the summer at the river, and I’ll blow off college. We both know I’m going to end up working in Dad’s garage anyway.”

What was I saying?

The side of his mouth lifted into a flirty smile he had never directed toward me. I was seeing a side of him that was only seen by the girls he had dated over the years. It was different for me. “I can’t ask you to do that. We need to go. Me to basic training and you to college. We aren’t kids anymore, Jen. We have to start our lives.”

I nodded in agreement. “I know. Adulting sucks already.”

He chuckled, and then once again, his face went serious. “But maybe once we’re both home, we can try something a little different?”

“What do you mean?”

He leaned back and sighed as he ran his long fingers through his dark hair. “I don’t want to fuck this up.”

“Come on, it’s me. You can’t fuck things up with me,” I said, pushing him to tell me whatever it was he wasn’t saying.

“I know. It’s just …” He paused.

“What? Just tell me.”

I was on the verge of tugging on my ponytail in aggravation. I wanted him to just spit it out. We didn’t have much time before he had to leave. I opened my mouth to once again tell him to spill the beans, but before I could say anything, he leaned in and pressed his warm lips against mine.

I had only been kissed a handful of times in my life. Once during freshman year by an asshole on a dare. I punched him and broke his nose. Even though I had only been protecting myself, I was suspended from school for a week.

When I got back to school, I was told Josh had kicked the boy’s ass after school in the parking lot. I also found out he had been dared to kiss me because every boy in school thought I was a dangerous ride due to my brother, Devin, and his lethal fists.

Sure, I was boyish, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to experience things like a decent first kiss, and when it came to Devin, he had calmed down quite a bit since he became a married man with a little girl looking up to him and a baby boy on the way.

The second time was during “that night,” and I didn’t discuss that night ever.

Josh’s kisses were unlike anything else in the world. When he kissed me, I could forget the rest. I closed my eyes and wiped away the thoughts of those terrible kisses that were forced on me. In my mind, neither of them counted, which meant Josh was my first, and he was the perfect candidate for the job. I went up on my tiptoes to get closer to him, filling myself with his essence and allowing him to somehow become a part of me. It was the best experience of my life.

He tasted familiar. The scent of his favorite cologne twirled around me, and I breathed him in. The thin hair around his mouth tickled when he deepened the kiss, and I let myself go, taking in the moment and marking my memory with every second.

Outside his door, I could hear his mom and dad talking. Just outside his window, I could hear chickens clucking and the normal sounds of his family farm, but everything seemed to combine into a single buzzing sound as my skin flushed, and every nerve ending in my body sizzled.

Just as I was about to lift my arms and wrap them around his neck to hold him to me, he pulled back and broke the kiss. He sucked in a shocked breath, as if he had even surprised himself, and my eyes skimmed over his swollen kiss stung lips before I moved up and got caught in his dark brown eyes.

“Shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, but—”

I didn’t want him to take it back. I didn’t want to hear excuses. I only wanted more. So, before he could finish his sentence, I pulled his head back down to mine and kissed him again. This time, I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he locked his hard arms around my waist.

He would be leaving me soon, and I wasn’t sure when we would see each other again. If I was going to be away from my family and friends and halfway across the United States in Texas—if I was going to be away from my Josh, my lifeline—I was at least taking a moment of perfection with me. I needed something to get me through all the lonely nights I knew were headed my way.

His fingers dug into my hips, pulling me so close I could feel the rise and fall of his breaths against my chest, and I lost my fingers into the thickness of his dark hair. A moan sounded, and the only reason I knew I made the noise was because my throat vibrated. He responded with a similar sound before pulling away once again and resting his forehead against mine.

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