Page 108 of Thick & Thin

“What happened?”

I shrugged, sitting in the chair beside her. “He woke up freaking out. I didn’t know he was struggling. He never told me. If I had known …”

She reached out and lay her delicate hand on my arm. “You didn’t know because he didn’t tell you. Josh never wants to seem weak, and he’s not. He’s the strongest man I know, but he does struggle. It’s only natural, considering what he went through. Just be there for him, Jenny. I couldn’t take it if he ran off to Texas again. I just lost my husband. I don’t want to lose my son, too.”

I nodded, swiping at an escaped tear as it rushed down my cheek.

“He’s not going anywhere. I’m here for him. I’ll take care of him.”

I left Mrs. Black on the front porch with a promise I wasn’t sure I could keep, but I knew I would sure try.

I found Josh where Mrs. Black said he would be. He was brushing a mare with long strokes and speaking in soothed hushed tones. I stood to the side and watched, enjoying the view of him in such a calm state, considering how panicked he had been that morning.

Once he was done, he turned to set the brush down, and his eyes connected with mine.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he said, his words clipped and angry.

We weren’t going to do this again. I wasn’t going to let him push me away with his angry words. I understood now. He was wounded and lashing out, and I was going to be the one who took care of him.

“We need to talk,” I said, moving closer to him.

His shoulders and lips grew tense as I approached him.

“There’s nothing to talk about. You stay away from me, and I’ll stay away from you.”

I snorted, knowing there was no way I was going to allow that.

“That’s not going to happen.”

He paused with his hand on his hip and swiped at his sweaty forehead.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked. “Just let it go. It’s not going to work. I don’t want it to work.”

“You’re lying,” I said, moving even closer. “And I’m doing this because I love you, Josh. You are all I’ve ever wanted and needed, and now that we are at this place in our lives, I refuse to let you go again.”

He stepped away and shook his head.

“You made me promise that I wouldn’t let you push me away again. This is me keeping that promise.”

I reached out and let my fingers brush his arm. Even after the morning we had, I felt confident that Josh would never hurt me.

“Don’t you understand?” His voice broke with desperation. “I can’t give you the kind of life you deserve. I can’t be a man worthy of you, Jenny. I’m fucked up, and no matter how hard I try to get better, I can’t. I want to be perfect for you and Caleb.”

I moved into him, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my head in his chest. He smelled like fresh hay and sunshine.

“But you are perfect for us. You love me exactly how I want to be loved and seeing you with Caleb. You’re an amazing Dad to him, Josh.”

He pushed me away, his elbows locking into place to keep me at a distance.

“That’s the thing. I can never be a dad. Not really.”

Confusion moved over me.

What the hell did that mean?

“I don’t understand. What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I can never give you a baby, Jenny. I can never really be a father.”

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