Page 128 of Ward Willing
If you’re reading this, it means I’m dead. And I’m sorry to inform you, but I’ve elected to donate my body to science. I never wanted to do the whole funeral thing, and if I’m gone, there’s a chance Brooke is gone, too. She’ll have made the same decision.
I sniff once, thinking back to how Zoe and I had learned there’d be no grave, no ashes to scatter. Instead, her parents volunteered themselves to science. Brushing the stray tears away, I keep going.
If you’re reading this, you’re also likely aware that Brooke and I have elected you to be Zoe’s guardian. Sorry, man. Probably should’ve mentioned it at some point, but it was kind of a no-brainer for us. I know we don’t hang out as much as we used to but know that my love and respect for you runs soul deep.
I’m not a man of many words, so I’ll keep this brief. Please take care of Zoe. Protect her. Watch out for men who will hurt her. Keep her safe, no matter what. That’s all I’m going to ask of you. I could tell you to buy a gun and scare them all away, but Brooke would kill me if I said that. I guess it’s good that I’m already dead, right?
I know you’ll watch out for her. I’ve never doubted that. Sorry for springing it on you. I promise we’d meant to have that conversation with you a hundred times, but we always got distracted.
I’ve enclosed a note for Zoe when she turns eighteen, and one for Carolina. Make sure my sister doesn’t turn bitter and lonely hidden away all by herself. Though I guess the same could be said for you, you grumpy, old recluse.
Speaking of… I don’t know what to say, because I know you’ll be okay. Your brothers will come together and help you. Promise me that you’ll let them. You can be a stubborn asshole, so don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
Live your life, too.
I love you.
Don’t forget you promised me we’d go see the Vans Warped Tour one last time before we turned old and grey. Think of me in the mosh pit…
Love,
Elias
My hands curl around the two pieces of paper as I swipe at my cheeks and lean back in the cheap waiting room chair.
Fuck.
Standing abruptly, I grab the letters to Zoe and Carolina before walking to the bathroom. Then I close and lock the door behind me as the panic begins to send my nerves spiking. I suck in air through my nose and close my eyes, leaning my arms against the wall and hanging my head as I slowly exhale.
In for ten, out for ten…
Quickly folding the letters, I place everything in my back pocket and walk to the sink, splashing my face with ice cold water. Skin still dripping, I glance up at my reflection in the mirror, and the shame spiral worsens as Elias’s words rip through every lie I told myself about Zoe, every hard truth I’d ignored.
I was responsible for her, and not only did I hurt her, but I’d gone against everything Elias would’ve ever wanted.
Protect her.
Watch out for men who will hurt her.
Keep her safe, no matter what.
That’s all I’m going to ask of you.
No matter how much we tried to convince ourselves that what we wanted trumped all logic, I couldn’t ignore the heavy doubt now settling inside of me. I was supposed to protect her, be strong for her,keep her safe,and yet I caved the very first time she came onto me.
I should’ve pushed harder, tried harder, but all I did was take her virginity against a dirty wall in the back of the restaurant.
My hands curl around the sink, and I have the urge to punch the mirror—but I don’t. I take more steadying breaths as I look at my reflection with as much self-loathing as I can muster.
My brother gave youone jobwhen he died. He’d be rolling around in his grave if he knew you’d come onto his daughter when she was barely legal.
And now I had Elias’s letter to back his sister’s statement up.
Hanging my head, I shut the water off and get myself together.
The best thing I can do—for myself and for Zoe—is stay away from her.
For good.
