Page 162 of The Neighbor Wager

The air in the room feels different. Stiller and colder.

I need to explain this with the honesty she requested, but I need to start somewhere, too. “Not the way you mean.” I cut my English muffin in half. “I don’t want her. Not as a girlfriend or a partner or a fling.”

“You don’t want her at all?”

“She’s a beautiful woman, yes. I notice that.”

“You did more than notice,” she says. “For a long time.”

“But not anymore.”

She presses her lips together. “Never?”

When does never start and end? Deanna and I have been dating—or whatever we’re calling this—for a week and a half. But we’ve known each other for years. “Not since I kissed you.”

“It happens with every guy, you know. All of my exes. Stephan. Mark. Raj. Yosuke. Ben. Alan.” She slices her Eggs Benedict in half. “The guys from high school and college, too. Even the ones who said they liked smart women. Who said my glasses were sexy. Who claimed to love my mind. The second Lexi came to visit, they wanted her.”

“How do you know?”

“They were obvious about it. Sometimes, they tried to be subtle, but they never managed. And, really, I don’t blame them for looking. She’s beautiful.”

“You’re beautiful, too.”

“Not in the same way.” She takes a bite and thinks through her swallow. “She’s basically the picture of the ideal woman.”

“Apicture of the ideal woman.”

“You agree?”

“She’s curvy and blonde and bubbly, sure.” We both grew up here. We both know the vision of a California girl.

“Guys say they like smart women, but they always end up going after the bubbly blonde.”

This isn’t about me, not really. It’s about her. But I don’t push her there. I offer her space to expand. “What happened?”

“It depends on the guy. Sometimes, she didn’t know I was interested and…it’s not her fault. She asked. I always lied and said I didn’t want them. And I’d end up sitting there, on my couch, consoling this guy I liked because my sister threw him away. Asking myself if I was a pathetic loser or a good friend.”

Hurt spreads over her face. And something I never see on her: regret.

Deanna takes another bite and swallows hard. “It wasn’t always that bad. Sometimes, it was small things. They managed to compliment her while making it clear they preferred a woman like me. At first. Then, their affection for her would seep into our conversations. They’d ask why I couldn’t be more friendly or easygoing or charming. Why I didn’t do my hair or dress the way Lexi did. They didn’t always mention her specifically, but I knew they were thinking of her.”

“What if they weren’t?” I ask.

“What else would they be thinking?”

“Maybe they were frustrated,” I say. “And they didn’t know how to say it.”

Her brow furrows. “Because I’m too difficult?”

“Because they don’t know how to accept an equal,” I say.

She shakes her headno, that’s not right. “But Lexi is as smart and capable as I am.”

“Is she as easygoing as she seems?”

“No,” she admits.

“There’s probably a reason why she sticks with casual relationships.”

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