Page 56 of Toxic

I know Hisashi never had that soft place. He needs to know I can be that for him. Despite it all, he’s mine. I’m his too. We just have to make our way truly back to each other. His illness is not an excuse for his behavior, but neither is it a reason to abandon him.

Looking at the bed I approach. I stop, watching him. No night terrors from him but mine have come back with full force. He’s held me through them all. His arms are my safety, my solace. He is my home.

Slipping beneath the covers, I snuggle close as I can, not wanting to wake him. Settling in, I let sleep lull me.

“Hey, little dove.”The cool cultured tones catch my attention.

“Shh…” Hepresses a long finger to my lips.“We don’t want to disturb his sleep. He’s terribly exhausted. Watching over you. Keeping you safe.”Hissmile is wild and gorgeous — familiar.

“I won’t if you’re going to be good,” I whisper underhisfinger.

“Oh, I plan to be very, very good to you little — one,”Hepromises, mischief in every word.

I squirm back, trying to at least put space between us but I made a fatal mistake when I came to bed. I got right into the snarehelaid. Washeawake the whole time watching, lying in wait for me?

“Uh, uh,”Hetsks, shaking his head, pressing his long, hard body between my legs.“I owe you an apology. For — many things, Tay-chan. So many naughty things.”

Stunned, I look into solemn eyes.He’sserious.

“There have not been many times in which I have misread the intentions of another in regard to our friend. I’ve always watched over him. I’m never wrong until now — and then, with you. How refreshing.”Bending downheburieshishead in my neck seeming to inhale me.“Delicious,”Hegrowls.

“All is forgiven. I told Hisashi as much. I don’t know if you heard,” I tellhim.

“Oh, I did little dove, you called me his guardian. I’ve been Monster so long, his Monster at times too. I forgot I could be more. I could be so much more. You reminded me of that, beautiful. Arigato.”

Despite myself and the possible danger he presents I find myself basking in the adoration inhisgaze. I’ve gone from being called little bitch to beautiful by this part of my husband’s psyche.

“Thank you for watching over Hisashi and protecting him when I couldn’t,” I tellhim, bowing my head as much as I can in thanks. “Arigato,” I whisper.

Before I can think,he’scovering my lips. The kiss is soft in its worship. I press my hands onhisshoulders to pushhimaway.He’sclearly not my husband, still a part ofhimbut conscious and real and not Hisashi, yet I knowhistouch,hiskiss.

Hekisses me in long lingering pulls, beckoning, seducing, enticing. I sigh, so close, dang it. I almost —hepulls away,hiseyes warm, a small knowing little quirk playing at the edge ofhismouth.

“Magnificent. Let’s keep this between us,”Hewhispers turning from me in smooth liquid movements.

Soon Hisashi is throwing his long arm above his head unbothered in his sleep.

I lay there for a long time unsure of what I just felt. Remembering the slow seductiveness of words when he said so “many naughty things” and “then and now.”

Hisashi didn’t remember smashing the dishes because it wasn’t him, it was his guardian, the monster, his monster. The whole past unravels before me in a way that has me sitting up covering my mouth. It was never him. He was lost in the abyss of his mind. He had no idea. His guardian emerged seeing the perceived threat and pounced. Like a catheplayed with the little dovehe’dcaught inhislair a little first.

I wonder if Hisashi knows. How much if anything Kiyoshi told him of the state he found me in. Probably nothing fearing it would further fracture his brother’s psyche. I have to know. We can’t move forward with him not knowing. I hesitate as the nagging thought takes hold. This could lead to me losing him forever.

“I assumeby the way you’re set up to binge watch this ridiculousness that you’re done with your play.” Looking up at his stern expression as he stands before me in gorgeous austerity taking in my array of snacks, I turn my focus back to the projection screen set up in my quarters.

“For now, I’m letting it marinate a little before I make edits.” I flick play on the Japanese anime and quickly become totally absorbed in the show about a blue-eye samurai.

“Whitewashing,” he grouses, sitting down beside me taking the popcorn I’d placed between us to share and placing it on the low table in front of us then pulling me into the curve of his arm so I can rest my head on his chest.

“You haven’t even given it a chance,” I look up, telling him in a huff.

“I don’t have to. Let me know when you want some real anime. I will be happy to supply you with my own library but in only Japanese; the English translation misses a lot of nuances,” he says with an indulgence that is both smug and endearing.

“I’d love that,” I tell him, shimmying my shoulders a little “But right now we’re watching this one.” Patting his knee, I can’t help giggling at his irritated face.

We binge the show and despite Hisashi’s overactive mind we manage to get through all of the episodes without him leaving in disgust.

“Let’s go for a walk in the garden,” I say as the servants come to clean. I’m never comfortable with people cleaning up after me much to Hisashi’s amusement. I still feel uncomfortable with them knowing they tell him my every move, which his arriving so soon after the miscarriage started was a clear indication not to mention how obvious it was Aiko knew he was watching when she brought the food. They may serve me but their loyalty belongs only to my husband.

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