Page 107 of A Hurt So Good

I sit in the bathroom, staring at the razor blade in my hand. It’s too much. I don’t know how to do this for a year. I don’t know how to handle all the feelings I have. I’ve never faced anything like this before.

I bring the edge of the blade to my naked stomach and press it into my flesh just as the door opens. I look up to see Denz standing there. His eyes drop to the razor in my hand before shaking his head.

“You said you weren’t going to do that shit again,” he says, nodding toward the blade.

“I … I don’t know what else to do, Denz! Don’t you get it? I have no fucking idea what to do with myself!” I’m angry, but at who? All they’ve done has been here for me. Everything War is doing is for me, and I still can’t figure out how to thank them or be there for them while they deal with losing their brother.

“I do get it, baby. This is hard on everyone, not just you. We’re all fucking trying to deal with it some way.”

“You’re doing a better job at it than I am.”

“You think so? I’ve been at the gym more than I’ve been here for you. And that’s my mistake. It’s been three months already, and I’m so fucking sorry I haven’t been here when you needed me.” My eyes fill with tears as I look at him.

“You have your own life,” I whisper.

“No, I don’t. You are my fucking life. Don’t you see that? You and the guys and Sasha, that’s all I have. I’m so sorry, baby, that I haven’t been here for you the way you needed me to.” He isn’t wrong. He hasn’t been around much in the last three months. Harlon has, but he’s been distant too. I think this thing with War has really taken its toll on all of us. We’re all struggling in our own ways, and I’m not making it easier on them.

“I just didn’t expect to feel so much, Denz. I didn’t expect to feel like this,” I admit to him. He walks closer and holds out his hand, but I’m not ready to let go just yet.

“None of us thought we’d fall in love, Arya. Certainly not with the same girl, but we did, and here we are. And what kind of fucking brother … man would I be if I didn’t protect you while he isn’t here?” His hand is still there, waiting for me to give him the blade. I look down at the mark I’ve already made, and it hurts. I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t let my feelings get the best of me like I did. I told them I’d stop.

Slowly, I pull the blade away from my stomach and place it in Denz’s hand. He wraps his fingers around it and shoves it in his pocket as I stare up at him.

“Do you hate me?”

“How could I hate you?”

“It’s my fault your brother is gone,” I remind him.

“When you love someone, you do whatever it takes to protect them, baby. War loves you. That’s why he isn’t here right now. He loves you so fucking much that he made that decision. He knew it was better to leave you for a year than it was for you toleave us forever,” he says. My heart shatters. My tears fall now. I’ve never had this kind of love in my life. I’ve never known anyone like these guys before. I swipe at the tears on my cheeks and sniffle a few times.

“You came in here, and you looked like you had something to say. What was it?” I ask him. I could tell by the look on his face he had something to tell me.

“We can talk about it later.”

“No. Let’s talk about it now. I need something to distract me,” I tell him. He nods his head before offering me his hand. I slide mine into his, and he pulls me to my feet and out into my room, where we sit on the bed.

“I went home last night with Sasha. We went into my mom’s room and just sat there. Sasha was talking to her, telling her about you mostly. She, uhh, mom died last night.” Oh my God. My heart feels heavier than it did already as I pull Denz into me. I hold him there, knowing he isn’t going to cry, but I know this has to hurt him.

“I’m so sorry.” Denz pulls away from me pretty quickly and leans back against the headboard.

“Sasha wanted to stay there last night, and I didn’t see any reason she couldn’t. I need to go and get her today and bring her back here. Start making arrangements.”

“Tell me what you need, Denz. I’ll help with whatever I can.” He gives me a soft smile before nodding his head.

“I just need you, baby. That’s it. Just stay by my side.”

“I can do that.”

“Sasha may need you more than I do,” he tells me. “Me and my mom weren’t that close.”

“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt,” I tell him.

“It does, but it doesn’t. It’s not like I didn’t see it coming. We all did. But I also made my peace with it a long time ago.”

“Do you know what she wanted done? Did she want to be buried or?”

“Yeah. She wanted to be buried. I will go tomorrow and get it all set up.”

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