Page 38 of Chase

“I think I know part of the reason I’m having them…the panic attacks, I mean,” he says, and I breathe carefully, not wanting to spook him. “I’ve been kind of trying to fight certain feelings for a while now, but I know I can’t forever.”

“I’m here to listen if you need me to, Will,” I tell him softly, keeping my eyes trained forward, focusing my attention onDave so I give him the space he needs. “You know this is all confidential, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” he sighs, “but I haven’t said it out loud before. It feels like if I do say it, then that’s it. It’s real and I’m worried it might make things worse.”

“Or better?” I smile for reassurance as I turn to see his anxious expression. “But I understand. Really, I do. I’ve got plenty of things buried in the back of my mind which I can’t seem to say out loud.”

He nods, but his frown only deepens the longer we walk along in silence. He chooses not to say anything, and I decide not to push him further. The last thing I want to do is pressure him into something he’s not ready for. Instead, we walk along in continued silence while watching Dave for what feels like about an hour. I steal glances his way and the changing expressions he pulls tug at my heartstrings. He’s fighting a battle, desperately wanting to confide in me, but finding it too hard to start that conversation. I can relate, but I also know we are soon going to come to the end of the walk. My bike and his car are in view, and I can’t put off going back to the house for much longer. If it wasn’t for Theo, I would blow off this fake engagement party, but I can’t do that to him. Not even I’m that selfish.

“Will, would it help if I share something about me?” I ask, having a last-ditch attempt at helping him to open up. I know he’ll kick himself if we don’t at least touch on his issues before the walk is finished. I trust Will, and besides, I no longer have anything to lose. “It’s sometimes the way I go. Offer a little secret of mine so the other person feels like they can trust me a bit more?”

He bites his thumbnail before eventually offering me a slight nod of his head. I smile, which seems to relax him.

“Ok, let’s see, something no one knows.” I think for a moment, trying to dissect all the secrets floating around the back of my head; there are so many to choose from. “So, I haven’t been with anyone since I was nineteen. And even that was nothing to speak of. The poor guy was someone I was trying to have a ‘normal’ relationship with, but when it got to the hot and heavy part of things, I froze…completely.”

I sigh sadly, remembering how heartbroken he’d looked before he tried to convince me how long he was willing to wait, just because he liked me that much. He’d reminded me of Theo, the way he had looked at me on that final night. But that’s all he was, a reminder. I knew he would never be more than a stand-in, and I also knew he’d be waiting a heck of a long time before I would be ready to get naked with him. So, although I broke his heart that night, I walked away, knowing that doing so would mean the break wouldn’t be permanent. Truth be told, I also couldn’t accept his kindness. It was too soon, too ‘brazen’ for want of a better word, for me to handle.

“I told him I couldn’t do it and broke it off. After that, I knew I couldn’t be with anyone; it wouldn’t be fair to them or me, so I’ve lived like a nun of sorts.”

“Why do you think that happened?” he asks with a frown, still chewing anxiously on his thumbnail.

“I have a pretty good idea why, but that’s another secret to tell,” I laugh nervously, and he accepts my answer.

“I’ve fallen for someone,” he sighs in such a way, I feel like the battle to get those few words out has been exhausting for him.

“Ok,” I say slowly, to which he shakes his head.

“I’ve fallen for someone who isn’t…isn’t…”

He breaks off, clutching the sides of his head and shaking it. I pat his shoulder gently, but his breathing begins to get erratic.

“I’ve fallen for someone who isn’t a girl, is much older than me, and is in a position which would land us both in a lot of trouble if my family were to find out.”

He begins hyperventilating, so I help him to shift down to the ground, telling him to put his head between his legs because he’s beginning to lose all color from his face. Dave starts whimpering and barking around us all the while I try to speak calmly and rationally to him. After his initial panic, and Dave trying to nuzzle his neck, Will eventually begins to follow my instructions to breathe in and out slowly.

“Will,” I begin gently, “let’s break this down a little – bitesize pieces - ok?” He nods and I wonder which bite to begin with. “Firstly, is the relationship consensual? He’s not forcing you against your will, is he?”

“No,” he gasps, staring at Dave while he cuddles him, his focal point of reassurance.

“You are safe with this man?” I clarify, because I have a duty of care, and this is the most basic thing I need to make sure of.

“Safer than my own parents,” he tells me, and I believe him.

“Ok, that’s good,” I reply, keeping crouched but without trying to force him to look at me. “Let’s take the first thing on your list. You’ve fallen for a man; who is this a problem for? You? Or someone else?”

“Izzy, I’ve known since I hit puberty. While my friends were drooling over Scarlett Johanssen, I was dreaming of Henry Cavil. I came out to Jamie and Oscar at fourteen. They didn’t give a shit; even said they had already worked it out years ago.”

“Ok, so from what you’re saying, those with the problem are your family?” I venture, feeling the pain of this through my own experience. My family has always been my enemy.

“You don’t…” he says through panicked breaths, “you don’t know my family, Izzy. They’re not like me and you. They will literally disown me…or even worse. I’m next in line to take over the family business, which is so old-fashioned, it would never accept a homosexual CEO. I fucking hate it but it’s what is expected of me. I’ve been ear-marked for this role since I was born. Private school, degree, CEO, marry some conservative daughter of some business associate, have two kids, three at a push, and live quietly, albeit miserably, ever after.”

“I understand, Will,” I tell him, and I hope he sincerely believes me. “I’m glad you confided in me.”

I hold him tight in a motherly-type fashion and he grips onto my arm with white knuckle force, all the while he lets everything out.

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Izzy

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