Page 69 of The Devil

She nods before I even have a chance to finally spit the words out. Meri shuffles off my bed and walks over to the door, momentarily glancing back at me before she closes it behind her.

Like a teenage girl obsessing over her recent crush, I turn the card over and over in my hand before inhaling it against my nose. I draw the process out so that I can savor everything it has to offer. When there is nothing left to do but open it, I force myself to remember that Lucius won’t be in there. The paper tears to reveal what’s inside, a small white card. It looks like the same card he used to use to write his messages all those years ago. I smile because I should have known Lucius wouldn’t have sent a normal birthday card, he would have considered it beneath him. But this is better, this is much more personal.

Taking in a deep breath, I turn it over and finally read the message -Happy Birthday, Topolina. L x

For the next five minutes or so, I obsess over what to take from it. Should I be happy, sad, disappointed, or elated? What is he trying to tell me? Is he trying to tell me anything?

In the end, I decide that it means nothing more than what it is; a short, meaningless, generic happy birthday message to a girl who no longer exists.

Chapter 28

Lucius

Mia topolina.

I’ve waited for two hours on the road near her house, just watching. I watched Nathaniel leave; I watched a car arrive for her daughter; I watched her cry as her daughter said goodbye and left, and now, I'm watching her, watching me. I couldn’t make out too much from this distance, but her daughter is almost a carbon copy of her. Same hair, same build, and same infectious laugh. But now, it’s just Helena.

We stare at each other for what feels like an age before she eventually turns around and walks slowly inside. My heart feels like it’s freezing on the inside, but then she offers me a lifeline by leaving the door wide open; a silent invitation for me to come and save her. I don’t need words this time, so I walk over as quickly as I can before she has the chance to change her mind.

I cautiously walk into the little cottage that has Helena written all over it, being full of old-fashioned touches and a fairy-tale type of garden. There are pictures of Jess everywhere, but I don’t really take the time to look at them properly. My sole mission is to find Helena.

When I eventually find her, she is standing adjacent to the door to the backyard in her little ordered kitchen. She’s looking out the window with her back to me, sighing like this is a past-time she often wastes her day doing. Years spent in front of a window, begging to be saved, but having no one to come for her.

“Topolina?” I utter quietly, my vibrations disturbing the air between us with my low voice.

For a moment, she doesn’t move, just remains staring out the window. I’m about to speak again, but ever so slowly, she turns to face me with her sad, vacant eyes staring right back into mine. I walk tentatively toward her, frightened that the slightest move will spook her. She looks much like a frightened animal who still needs convincing that you are here to help, not hurt them.

After what feels like much too long, I get close enough to take her hand with the gentlest of touches, something I am not known for. As soon as I make contact, my patience instantly dissipates, and I grab hold tightly and bring her into me. She crumbles against my chest, crying with every ounce of energy she has. Her pain-filled sobs kill me and at this moment, holding her so tightly, I especially fucking hate myself for abandoning her all those years ago.

“Shh, I got you, Topolina,” I whisper, trying to comfort her while she clings onto me for dear life, a life she has suffered through because we were both too stubborn to tell each other how we truly felt. “I’ve got you, baby girl, I’m not going anywhere.”

I kiss her over and over, relishing her smell, her touch, her essence, her everything. I realize, beyond all doubt, what I’ve been denying myself since I met her when she was seventeen - fourteen damn years ago!

We hold on to each other for a long time, even after she has stopped crying, needing to cling together in silence, in this small kitchen that barely houses my height.

“Why have you come here, Lucius?” She breaks the silence with her small, croaky, broken voice. There’s no spark, no feeling, and no fight left in it.

“Your cousin came and laid everything bare for me,” I reply with a heavy sigh. “I made her tell me everything, and I meaneverything!”

My Helena pulls away and walks over to the table where she sits down in a defeated heap. Her cardigan drapes over her tiny frame, covering any hint of her womanly shape. I can see how much she is trying to hide behind her oversized clothes and her lifeless hair, but I still see her; I’ve always seen her.

“So?” she says, hitching up her shoulder, trying to act tough. She can’t though; any fight she once had has been beaten out of her. The thought of which has me clenching my fists with intense emotions – rage, sorrow, guilt – all the ugly ones.

“Why should that bring you my way?” she asks, forcing me to focus on her, not on how this is affecting me.

I walk over to where she is sitting and kneel before her, taking her hands inside one of mine before I lift her chin with my finger, silently begging her to look at me.

“I’m here to make you whole again,” I vow. “I’m here because I was a fucking idiot and I’m so sorry, Helena.” She begins to cry softly, so I place my forehead to hers and whisper, “MyHelena.”

“You can’t, Lucius, she’s gone,” she whimpers, “you’re more likely to win the lottery than bring me back to life. Why would you want to even try? Look at me for Christ’s sake; I’m a thirty-two-year-old divorcee with a near teenager. I have zero self-worth and hang-ups about men because her husband used to beat and rape her.”

I close my eyes when she voices it out loud, feeling sick to my stomach. I always feared I would be the one to destroy her, that I would take her to hell with me, but in doing so, I pushed her away and into the arms of a real monster.

“For years, Lucius,years! You can’t fix that. Please, you must have a whole harem of women clawing at you for your time; just leave me to drift along quietly.”

“Don’t fucking talk like this, Helena!” My anger begins to simmer, even though I shouldn’t be letting it, not with her right now. She’s so fragile, so vulnerable, and I need to be building her back up, not losing my temper over all that has happened to her. My beautiful, strong, little mouse.

“You, you’re everything I was too scared to admit I wanted!”

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