Page 59 of The Devil

“Look, I know I shouldn’t say it, but I can’t not,” he says with indecision still written all over his face. “I don’t like him, and I don’t think you should marry him. The guy is still going to clubs with Mason, mostly strip joints where they turn a blind eye to certain recreational activities, if you know what I mean.”

“Oh,” I gasp, shocked to hear this after how much Evan’s been on at me to become more responsible, which is code for more like his uptight mother.

“I’m sorry, Helena, but he’s not a good guy and you deserve better. Hell, I think you’d even be better off with Hastings.”

“Please don’t mention his name,” I whisper, trying to hold in the ball of emotion inside of my throat. “Don’t mention that name ever again; it’s too painful.”

“Ah, shit, Hels,” he says as he moves in to put his arms around me. “Don’t cry, you don’t have to do this.”

“Yes…yes, I do,” I whimper. “And I do love him for giving me her, for giving me Jess. Now, can we please just talk about something else, please?!”

“Ok,” he says with a heavy sigh. “She is ridiculously cute, you know that, right?”

“Yes,” I half-laugh, half-cry, “she really is.”

“And when she’s old enough for boys, you just call her Uncle Cameron round to warn them all off.”

“Idiot,” I smile against him. “Love you, bro.”

“Love you too, sis,” he whispers and kisses my cheek. “Now, you set her up down here with me and go and get some sleep. I’ll let you know if she starts searching for food.”

“You sure?” I ask, already getting up to do as he’s just said because I am exhausted. “You’re a lifesaver, thank you.”

Just before I climb into bed, I do something which I know is going to hurt like hell; I wander over to my ‘Lucius’ box. I open up the lid and afford myself two minutes or so to look through the photos we had taken during that weekend in Spain. I touch our faces that look so ridiculously happy, it’s enough to bring on more tears of sheer sadness.

I wanted it to be us; itshouldhave been us.

Chapter 24

Helena

Evan and I were married less than a month after he had confirmed that he was Jessica’s father. It was a small, quiet affair that was held in my parents’ back yard. Both sets of parents were in attendance, his mother scowling at me the whole time, my father looking like the pompous lord of the manor, while Mom held my hand in support whenever she could. Cameron, Nate, Merial, and Jen, all joined in with the ‘celebration’, though none of them looked exactly pleased for me. ‘Concerned’ would be a better word to describe most of the faces on my side of the family. Evan’s best man, Mason, just thought everything and anything was funny, even though it clearly wasn’t.

As for me, I remained in a daze as I floated through the whole day as if it were all some kind of drug-induced nightmare. It may as well have been my funeral. Every time I felt like bolting, I would look for my little girl to gain back a little bit of strength so I could get through it. I didn’t wear a wedding dress and I didn’t carry flowers. What I did wear was a mask I am fast perfecting, only so no one would ask me any questions that would mean me having to lie.

Are you excited to be married now?

Are you going to have more children?

Have you and Evan been in love since high school?

Is he your first love?

I kept trying to tell myself to buck up and be thankful that Evan was at least nice, that he seemed to genuinely care for me and wanted us to live happily ever after. Surely, I had very little to complain about. After all, our little girl would have two adults to love and care for her, and isn’t that all that matters?

The trouble is I am in love with someone else. All I can think is, I’ve been railroaded into this situation; it wasn’t my choice.

Helena

As night falls in Evan’s small townhouse, I prolong Jessie’s bedtime, knowing what is to follow. There’s no excuse now, I can’t turn away his advances as I have been for months. He’s been patient, even if his frustration has been coming out more and more, but now I can’t say no. This is our wedding night; we’re supposed to consummate our union. Surely, he deserves to have my body, especially as I can’t give him my heart.

But I don’t want to.

It’s weird, seeing as we’ve slept together so many times before. It’s never been what I would call pleasurable or for my benefit, however, I never felt this upset over the prospect of sleeping with him. I suppose I never believed it would be this permanent or so much like a duty before. It feels as if giving my body to him tonight sets everything in stone – my fate, my life, my independence, even ownership over my body. I’m his wife, his property, all of me, including my womanhood, and sense of self. I’ve lost myself to him. And with that, I allow the tears to fall while I sing Jess a song goodnight. I then read story after story until she falls asleep, but even then, I don’t leave her. I won’t leave until my new husband summons me.

“Helena,” he eventually calls, and I close my eyes. “She’ll be fine. We need to have a chat.”

After a few more moments alone with Jess, I take a deep breath and walk quietly into the main bedroom. I then sit on the bed where I wait for him to come out of the bathroom, all the while feeling completely sick with nerves.

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