Page 56 of The Devil

“I know what I want to call her, but maybe I should see who her father is first,” I reply, now beginning to wince as she sucks on my sore and chapped nipples. I can’t help but wonder why nature has to make such a basic thing as feeding your child so damn difficult. Surely, it shouldn’t be this painful.

“He may have an opinion on the matter,” I eventually add.

“Screw that!” she scoffs. “You’re her mother. You carried her, gave birth to her, and are currently trying not to cry while you feed her. You name her, Hels!”

“You haven’t told Lucius, have you?” I ask in complete panic. “You promised you wouldn’t.”

“No, don’t worry,” she says reassuringly, “you know I’ve got your back. That being said, I think if you do marry Evan, I’m gonna have to tell him, Hels.” She touches my arm sympathetically, and the tears in my eyes tell her everything. “Oh, Hels, why are you two so damn stubborn? Tell him how you feel, please!”

I shake my head at the same time as I try to wipe away my tears one-handed.

“He doesn’t share my feelings, Meri, he has never once contacted me outside of hooking up. It’s not his thing, falling in love and committing to one person. Well, not with me anyway. Evan is offering me all of that and without the angst that always follows whenever I have any kind of encounter with Lucius.”

“But you don’t love Evan at all! Are you really going to commit to someone and sleep with them for the rest of your life, knowing that you are in love with somebody else?”

“I will, for her. She is everything to me now,” I reply as I look down at her gripping my finger so tightly, her little pink fingers blanch white. “Let’s face it, who will be the better father to her?”

“Hey, that’s not fair!” she snaps, crossing her arms and making me feel guilty with just her eyes. “How on earth do you know what kind of a father Lucius will be? How do you even know how he will react to the news that he has a child?”

“I know, I’m sorry,” I utter guiltily, “I’m just sleep deprived and frustrated by the whole situation.”

“I hear what you’re saying, Hels, but remember, happy mom, happy baby. Plus, I gotta say, I’m a little suspicious of Evan.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s…shifty. At least Lucius is open about who he is,” she says, wrinkling her nose in disgust. “I just don’t trust him.”

“Well, he might be my baby’s daddy, so watch what you say around baby and him,” I warn her, though only being only half-serious about it.

The doorbell rings, but I let Dad open it. I instantly hear Evan’s voice, and my heart stops dead. This is it; he has the results. Within moments, my parents and Evan are walking into the living room with papers clasped tightly inside of his hand. I’ve just put Baby Girl down into her crib, so stand abruptly to await my fate. Meri grabs hold of my hand in support.

“So, I’m guessing you know who the father is?” I ask quietly, even though I’m not quite ready to hear it yet.

“I do,” he replies, then breaks into a wide smile.

My heart feels like it’s just dropped like a ton of bricks, I can already feel tears beginning to sting my eyes, and a huge, painful lump is now lodged firmly inside of my throat.

“Good news, darling, I’m 99.99% positive for being Baby Girl’s father.”

I lose breath at the same time as he hands the paper over to my father, who studies it for a few moments before shaking Evan’s hand.

“Congratulations!” my father eventually announces, beaming and hugging Evan like one of his very own sons. I swear he’s marginally happier than Evan is right now.

“Yes, yes, congratulations,” my mother offers Evan, though her concerned eyes remain fixed firmly on me.

Meri grips hold of my hand more tightly and rubs my back while my head becomes dangerously dizzy. I can’t help but feel like my life is officially over.

“Hels, you ok?” Meri whispers so quietly, no one else but us can hear.

“Congratulations, Evan,” I offer tentatively, ignoring Meri’s question, for if I focus on it too much, I’ll reveal just how much I’m not ok. “I just need to…er…need to… Please excuse me for a moment.”

I run from the room and upstairs to the bathroom where I throw up. I retch so hard, I know I’m at serious risk of setting off a migraine. Tears from straining so much run down my cheeks, while loud sobs escape between each breath.

“Helena?” Meri calls, as if trying to find me, then runs straight to my side when she finally discovers where I am, curled up and shivering on the bathroom floor. “Oh, Hels,” she begins crying with me, “please, for the love of God, don’t marry him!”

“You know what my dad said, I have to!” I cry out with frustration and sadness, to which she says nothing, for there’s nothing she can say. It is what it is; I made my bed and now I have to marry it, for Baby’s sake if nothing else. She doesn’t deserve to struggle while I try to bring her up alone without any support.

“Besides, what does it matter?” I eventually murmur. “I may as well be dead to Lucius. I have another man’s child; he’ll never want me now. Not that he wanted me before.” Standing up, I clear my face with a splash of water, sniff back my need to sob, scream, and shout, and instead, breathe slowly. “No, I have to do this for Baby Girl,ourbaby girl. Mine and Evan’s. Dad’s right, I can learn to love him, and he is a good man.”

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