Page 48 of The Devil

My surprise at his reaction shocks me. How could I not have seen this happening? How did I manage to convince myself that this might have been more than what it was? I’ve just set myself back two years.

Forcing tears back, I sigh into the dark space between us and roll over to stare at the ceiling, having never felt so cheap and unwanted in all my life. It takes a long time before either of us speaks; my heart is too busy breaking all over again.

“What were you hoping for from me?” he asks, frowning with ignorance, even though he knows exactly what I was hoping for. I know what we had agreed but I never thought this would be the last time he’d see me. I thought…I thought…I have no idea, but it wasn’t this.

“You’ve ruined me, Lucius,” I whisper. “I didn’t believe you when you said I’d be yours, but it turns out you were right…sadly.” He looks away guiltily and it only confirms that this is the same as last time, a limited experience. I need to shake this off, to save myself from any more torture. “I can’t stay, I have to go,” I utter as I get out of bed.

“What? Why?” He looks at me with so many emotions, I can’t even tell which one is winning. “You gave me the weekend, remember?”

“Because…because…” I can’t even say the words and the stupid sting of tears are threatening even harder to fall. “Shit! Why did I ever agree to this? I must have ‘masochistic ho’ written across my forehead.”

With anger winning in my court, I grab my clothes, which are scattered around the bedroom, and living room, and begin to dress myself with jerky, angry movements.

“Helena, what do you want me to say to you?” he says, grabbing my arm. “Tell me, please!”

“You don’t want to know, Lucius,” I reply bitterly, “you don’t really want to know anything about me apart from who I’m fucking and if I’m going to fuck you. That’s it for you, isn’t it?”

Lucius doesn’t answer but he doesn’t seem to be letting go of me either. He looks at me with frustration, even though he knows I’m right.

“Tell me what you want from me,” he says through clenched teeth.

“Why? So you can drop me all over again? So you can leave one of your stupid cards in my hand before forgetting me all over again?”

“Please, tell me how you feel about me,” he practically begs with what looks like indecision in his eyes.

“You say how you feel about me,” I challenge him. “Tell me you want to be with me; to be mine and only mine.”

He offers nothing but a pained expression until he stares at the floor and growls in frustration. The sound of his pain shocks me and I jump back, releasing a whimper as I do so. Before I can move away any further, he shoots his gaze right back at me, and pulls me in close, resting his forehead against mine while stroking at a lock of my hair.

“I can’t,” he says sadly, and my heart feels like it’s just been pulled into a tight knot of agony.

“Then neither can I,” I tell him truthfully. “I felt so empty last time, and I refuse to feel like that again. So, let me go.”

He looks at me one more time with a whole host of unsaid words. I break free of his grip and begin gathering my things again, during which, his emotions shift, until eventually, anger gets the better of him. A rage he feels toward himself but would rather direct at me is coming to the surface.

“You’re a coward, Topolina,” he says bitterly when I stand before him, fully clothed and ready to walk out of his life, once and for all.

“Well, that makes two of us then,” I retort before finally turning to leave.

As I walk out of the marina, wiping my face and trying to remain composed, I hear the sound of a glass smashing to pieces against a hard surface. I guess this time, we broke each other.

Chapter 20

3 months later

Helena

“What?” I ask quietly. “I mean, could you repeat that please?”

“You’re pregnant,” the young, bubbly physician repeats with the same vomit-inducing grin she had given me the first time she had delivered this gut-wrenching news. She’s met with a blank expression and a whole load of silence. “From your periods, I’d say you’re a little further on than women usually are when they find out.”

My heart feels like it’s stopped beating altogether, whereas my head is filled with a high-pitched scream. The doctor’s words become nothing more than fuzzy noise in the background, and the world around me blurs into a haze of broken dreams and responsibilities that I’m not sure I’m at all prepared to face. I feel my mom’s hand gripping around my shoulders as the shock takes hold of my rationality, or rather, my lack of it.

“Excuse me,” I whisper before grabbing hold of the waste basket and begin retching noisily inside of it.

“Oh, my,” the doctor gasps, “have you had much sickness, dear?”

“A little,” my mother answers for me while I continue throwing up in the middle of her office.

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