Page 55 of The Devil

Chapter 22

Helena

“It’s a girl, Miss Carter, and she looks bonny,” the Scottish midwife beams at me.

It’s been a long, hard labor, and I swore a few times, but otherwise, remained quiet throughout the whole process. Only my mother was with me during the birth, which was my request. I am covered in blood, sweat, and tears, and have vowed never to get pregnant again. But as soon as I hear those words, my only thoughts are for the little girl to whom I have just given birth.

Moments later, they place a floppy little baby, all covered in blood and God knows what, on top of me. I don’t care though because she’s pink underneath. She’s gurgling and wriggling, which means she’s alive and she’s mine. I barely feel myself deliver the placenta; my only thoughts are of her.

“Will you be breastfeeding?” Sandra asks as she begins cleaning my baby for me.

“I want to, yes,” I reply, full of smiles for the first time since the day I found out I was expecting her. Sandra helps to place her on my breast and latch on to my nipple. It takes a few tries but when she begins to suckle, it’s a weird feeling, and it makes me giggle at my mother. Mom is a weepy mess, squeezing my hand proudly as she watches me feeding her first and only grandchild.

“Well done, Helena, you did so well,” she whimpers with a beaming smile. “I can’t believe I’m a nonna. She’s so beautiful!”

“The best nonna,” I whisper, making her cry even harder.

I am soon cleaned up and offered tea and toast. You’d think you would feel exhausted after childbirth, but strange natural instincts kick in and you’re suddenly wide awake. My baby, on the other hand, has finally had her fill of milk, or colostrum, and has fallen asleep. I can’t help but stare at her; she truly is a miracle, so tiny and perfect with ten little fingers and ten little toes, which look like tiny pink peas. She has a sprinkling of black hair and slightly darker skin than me. Taking in all these features, I begin to think about whether she looks more like Evan or Lucius.

Evan is fair, so my heart begins to hope she might be Lucius’, although I’m not sure why because I know he would be less than happy about her arrival into the world. We left each other on such bad terms, and he has never once hinted at wanting anything other than fun between the sheets. Besides, as far as I know, he’s still seeing whoever this woman is. He always said he couldn’t be in a relationship, but what he meant was he couldn’t be in a relationship with me. Sadly, I know I mean a lot less to him than he does to me. Then there’s Evan, who thinks a lot more of me than I think of him.

“What a mess, little one,” I whisper to her while she sleeps. “I’m so sorry your mother is a complete screw-up. I really hope you grow up knowing your daddy because you deserve everything. I can’t make promises for him, but I can promise, as your mother, I will love you, protect you, and do everything in my power to give you the best upbringing I can. If Evan is your daddy, I will marry him for you, but if Lucius is your daddy, then I will try my very best to convince him to have some part in your life. As for me? I have you now, so that’s all that matters.”

“Hi,” a soft, male voice says after coughing to alert me to his presence. “I hope I’m not disturbing either of you. How are we?”

The reference to ‘me’ now being a ‘we’ feels so strange when said out loud, though I guess we do come as a pair now. Evan walks forward with a bunch of flowers and the customaryIt’s a girl!balloon. Something that Lucius would no doubt scoff at, together with a roll of his eyes. Still, I can’t blame him for not being here, I never told him about the pregnancy. I was too afraid of his reaction, or rather, his non-reaction. Regretfully, I agreed with my father that there was no need to tell him anything unless we had to.

“May I?” Evan gestures to my sleeping daughter. I nod so he walks over to take a peek. “She’s beautiful, Helena, just like you.” He kisses me on the cheek, then stares down at the sleeping bundle in the cot. “How was it?”

I sit back down on my hospital bed, squeezing my legs tightly together and linking my fingers through one another.

“Well, I’m never having sex again,” I joke. He laughs and rubs my leg affectionately as he sits on the edge of the bed next to me. “But it was ok, I guess. In any case, she is more than worth it. What’s that you’ve got there?” I ask, gesturing to a large envelope that he’s carrying.

“Er, well, I hope it’s not too soon, but it’s a genetic testing kit,” he says, looking somewhat guilty about it. “I kind of thought it best to get it over and done with. The sooner, the better, right?”

“Of course,” I reply quietly, suddenly feeling awkward under the circumstances. “You have a right to know, Evan, of course you do. So does she.”

“I just need a swab from inside her mouth,” he says, sounding just as uncomfortable as I feel. “My, she has a lot of hair, doesn’t she? Mom said I was exactly the same.”

This time, my smile is fake, but so is his. After a moment or two of not knowing what else to say, he returns to a serious expression while getting up to collect the sample. My poor girl is so tired she doesn’t even notice him sticking the small cotton wool swab inside her mouth. Evan takes the same sample from himself and then fills in the details ready to be sent straight away. He then places the sealed kit on the bed and sits next to me, taking my hand inside of his. It doesn’t feel like the hand of my lover, more like the hand of a close friend, but I know he wants it to be more.

“Helena,” he says, now looking at the floor, “you know how I feel about you and I want you to know that whatever the outcome, I still want to marry you.”

I shuffle uncomfortably as I look away.I don’t want to marry you, Evan, but I will if you are my daughter’s father because her happiness is far more important than mine. If he is not her father, then I will track Lucius down and make him take responsibility for her, even if he hates me for it. Evan nods his head at my silence, then picks up the kit to send away.

“How long does it usually take? The testing?” I call out when he reaches the door.

“Between two to five days. I’ll pay the extra to fast-track it and will let you know as soon as I do,” he says matter of factly.

“Thank you, Evan, you’ve been amazing throughout all of this.” I smile at him because in all honesty, he has, and I do feel bad for him.

“I hope she’s mine, Helena,” he says with an air of assertiveness, “because I love you…very much.”

Helena

Four days after I gave birth to my baby girl, I finally return home. I’m still calling her ‘Baby Girl’ because I feel uncomfortable naming her without consulting the father, whoever he is, so I’ve decided to wait. Cam and Nate are behaving like doting uncles and are currently having an argument over who gets to have the first cuddle with her. Meanwhile, I’m trying to sit down without feeling how sore I am down below. My nipples are cracked, and I’ve never known exhaustion quite like this. However, all I have to do is look into my little girl’s eyes and none of it even matters; just her, she’s all I care about.

“What are you going to call her?” Meri asks when the others finally leave me to try and feed her.

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