Page 37 of Redemption

He turns around all the way to face me. His mouth opens and then closes again.

“It’s okay. I’m a big girl. We both got carried away. You don’t think I was expecting a proposal or something, do you?”

“No, of course not. The problem is… it should have been a mistake, but it doesn’t…” He shakes his head again with a throaty sound. “It doesn’t feel like a mistake to me.”

“Oh.” I perk up. “Then maybe it wasn’t.”

“It must have been. It’s entirely inappropriate in our situation. You aren’t in normal circumstances right now. Danger always heightens and confuses feelings. And I crossed one boundary after another like a horny teenager getting lucky for the first time.”

I can’t help but giggle at that. “You didn’t seem like a teenager to me.”

“Well, that’s good, I guess.” He groans and combs his fingers through his hair distractedly, making more of a mess of it. “I really don’t want to take advantage of you, Louisa.”

“I promise I don’t feel taken advantage of. Look, I don’t know what any of this means any more than you do, but we’re good together. You have to admit that.”

“Yeah. We’re definitely good.” His mouth and eyes soften almost imperceptibly.

“So let’s not make any final decisions about it never happening again. We’ll put it on pause. Play it by ear. See what feels right.”

Very slowly he inclines his head in a single nod. “Okay. That’s sounds reasonable.”

“It is reasonable. I agree it’s a little awkward in this situation, but that doesn’t mean we should throw away something really good. So no hasty decisions. Not until we get a better feel for things between us.” I can’t believe I sound so sensible and mature. Almost laid-back, as if this isn’t the most important thing I’ve experienced in years.

But I need that slight distance right now. We both do. And I do think waiting and seeing what happens is the best option in this case.

The worst would be Caleb ending things for good.

“That’s a good plan. Thanks for… offering it.” He stands up and walks over to the dresser, grabs his T-shirt and pulls it on. “You’re sure you’re okay with things? If anything bothers you, I can… Shit, I can trade off with someone so I’m not always around.”

He makes a face, clearly expressing how much he hates that idea.

I hate it too. “No way. I don’t want you going anywhere. Not unless it’s really what you want. We’re both adults. We can deal with the fact that we had sex.”

“We didn’t even use a condom.”

“I know. That was our main mistake.” I shake my head, hoping we won’t end up with long-term consequences from that. “I think we’ll be okay because of the time of the month.”

“Okay.” He eyes me soberly. “Let me know either way.”

“Of course.”

We stare at each other for a minute.

Then he gives his head a shake and moves to the door. “You’re really okay with this?”

“Yeah. I’m okay. What about you?”

“I’m always okay.”

I’m not sure what to make of that comment, and I don’t have the chance to figure it out. He’s leaving the room. Walking across to the guest bathroom. I hear the door click behind him.

I sigh and collapse back on the pillow, reminding myself that what I told Caleb is true.

I am okay. The sex I had last night with Caleb was the best in my life—not just physically but also emotionally. And despite what I told him, I would have been very happy had he burst out with a declaration of love and eternal devotion.

But that’s a daydream. A rosy fantasy. That’s not the world as it is.

The real world is messy and complicated and sometimes dangerous, and it never gives us easy answers.

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