Page 14 of Redemption

“Could it be a distraction? To make you all think he’s after me so Jade will be off guard and vulnerable?”

“Possibly. They’re obviously still under tight protection. But I’ve read everything he wrote about you on that abhorrent message board. It feels real to me.”

“What all does he say?” I scanned through the first pages William showed me, but I haven’t read anything else. I definitely have no interest in finding the site and reading what’s on there.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It evidently does matter if it worries you so much.”

“The specifics shouldn’t matter to you. Just trust me that we should take it seriously. I’d rather you not fill your mind with that kind of garbage.”

I make a face and fight off a shiver of revulsion. Despite my instinctive desire to control my own fate, I’m actually grateful not to see any more specifics. I’d keep rehashing it all in my mind and make myself more scared and disgusted. And then who knows what I would do? What I would turn to in order to numb the dark feelings?

After a minute or two of silence, Caleb asks softly, “You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m okay. I’d rather this not be happening to me, but it feels like we’re being sensible and reasonable about it, and I haven’t fallen apart yet.”

“No. You haven’t.” He gives me the slightest of smiles, a dramatic shift of his normally stoic expression. “I’ve never seen anyone handle a situation like this better than you.”

I can’t help the warm wave of pleasure and appreciation at his words, but I file it away with all my other inappropriate feelings for Caleb. In the back of my mind where they won’t trouble me too much.

Hopefully I can make those feelings stay there. It’s getting harder and harder.

* * *

Two hours later, we’ve reached the ice-skating rink. It’s a large outdoor venue, open only during the winter. On weekends, it’s packed out, but today there are no more than seven or eight other couples or families.

I have my own ice skates, but Caleb has to rent a pair. We take a few minutes to get ready, lacing up our skates, zipping our jackets, and putting on gloves. I put on a red stocking cap, but Caleb goes without. I tell him he’ll be cold, but he doesn’t appear to care.

There’s cheerful music playing, and I’m in a good mood as we start off. Caleb keeps pace with me, but his attention is clearly diverted to our surroundings.

It can’t be easy, trying to keep guard over potential threats while we’re circling the rink.

I’m a pretty good skater, but Caleb is even better. When I ask, he says he played a lot of ice hockey when he was younger.

People looking at us probably think we’re a couple. On a date. Despite my attempt to rein in my silly thoughts, I can’t help but like that idea.

I want people to think I’m with Caleb that way. It gives me the most delicious feelings of ownership.

They’re not right. And they’re potentially harmful to my mental health. But despite my best efforts, I can’t seem to help myself.

Whenever I let myself remember how I acted in the past with Caleb, I’m still embarrassed and ashamed, but I don’t feel as awkward around him as I did at first. He’s given me no sign that he’s holding the past against me.

And I’ve never felt as safe and taken care of around anyone as I do with him.

We skate for a couple of hours until I’m cold and tired and satisfied. Then we change out of our skates and pick up some lunch.

I’d prefer to eat in a restaurant, but Caleb would never sit down and eat with me. He’d stand on guard the whole time, and that won’t be enjoyable for either of us. So we get takeout and eat it in the back seat of the SUV. Caleb offers only minimal objection to sitting with me and eating too, so that’s definitely progress.

The first two weeks, he absolutely refused to do anything more than drink coffee with me even when we were at home.

I bought us steak sandwiches and pasta salad. The food is tasty, and I’m tired but still in a good mood as we start eating.

He doesn’t say anything as he takes a few big bites. I glance at him to see if he gives any hint at enjoying the sandwich. He catches me watching him and gives an exaggerated “Mmm.”

I’m surprised into a ripple of giggles.

“It wasn’t that funny.” His eyes have warmed just slightly. He’s not smiling, of course. I’ve still never seen a smile that’s more than the faintest twitch of his mouth.

---