Page 70 of Sincerely Yours, Anna Sherwood

It makes the back of my eyes prickle, the threat of yet more tears. I force them away, aware of how hard and loud my breathing has become and that I’m not even listening to her anymore, annoyed by just the tone of her voice – when the waiter interrupts with our drinks.

‘Are you ready to order?’

‘Gosh, sorry! I haven’t even looked yet! Do you mind giving us a few more minutes? Thanks ever so.’

Thanks ever so. What does she sound like? Her voice has taken on some kind of affected air over the years; maybe a side effect of all the fancy, high-profile people she rubs shoulders with. I swear she didn’t sound like this when I was little.

‘I don’t want to fight,’ Mum says now, putting on another smile. She reaches over to give my hand a squeeze. ‘Let’s just have a nice lunch, shall we? You can tell me all about this internship of yours! I’ve heard only good things about it. It’s supposed to be terriblydifficult to get a place on,’ she adds, eyebrows raised. ‘I’m surprised you managed it!’

Maybe she wouldn’t be, if she bothered to show up for parents’ evening or took an interest in my life to know how well school and uni were going.

I don’t reply, my throat tight. I don’t trust my voice right now; I don’t trust myself not to scream, if I do open my mouth. And Idon’twant to cry – I don’t want her to think she can comfort me. She doesn’t get to do that, swan in and act the hero when it’s all her fault in the first place.

Mum isn’t deterred by my silence, though. She draws her hand back but keeps on beaming at me, persistent with her ‘questions’ and making the most of this sickeningly sweet mother-daughter bonding session she’s cornered me into.

‘Your dad says you’ve been doing a super job of it though. Working hard. Like me!’

Not like you. Never like you.

‘And he said you’ve made some good friends, too? Better than those nasty girls you were living with last year in halls, always cutting you out, or putting you down for no reason.’

What do you know? Don’t act like you know about anything in my life, with this second-hand information Dad’s fed you.

‘The interns sound like a good bunch though. Hard workers, too. Ambitious! I bet that’s nice, to make some new friends in different places – you’re never too young to start building up a bit of a network, Anna, so that’ll help you heaps when you graduate, I bet … Your dad said that girl you live with is very nice? You did an escape room together?’

Maybe I should treat this conversation like an escape room. Find a codeword on the back of the menu I have to shout so someone lets me out of here.

‘And that boy yesterday. Topher’s boy – what was his name?’

‘Lloyd,’ I churn out through my teeth.

‘That’s it! He seems great, doesn’t he? Ever so polite. Topher said he gets really stuck in with all the business. Nowhe’llbe a good contact to keep hold of when you graduate.’

‘I’m not collecting business contacts like Pokémon, Mum. They’re my friends.’

‘Well, yes, I know that. I just meant –’

‘I know what you meant.’

She frowns, her too-wide smile finally starting to slip. That little give is a chink in her armour. Her forehead crumples, sadness tingeing the creases around her eyes and the edges of her mouth.

‘I don’t think you do, Anna. What I mean is, I knowyou’re very ambitious, like I am. You really apply yourself, and give it your all when you take on something. You practised your golf for weeks for your role as Jordan Baker in theGatsbyplay at school, for heaven’s sake, and you didn’t even need to play any golf in the performance!’

How does she know that?

How much has Dad been telling her, behind my back?

‘And while it’s lovely you’re making friends, it’s also good to keep them in mind for the future, especially if they end up being only short-lived friendships because it’s convenient while you’re on the internship together. I didn’t suggest you wereusingthem for their future networking potential!’ She laughs, an obvious attempt to lighten the mood again. It doesn’t work.

This time, she takes a bit more notice when I stay silent.

‘Anna? What is it, what did I say? You look grumpy as anything. You look like your dad when you pull that face, you know.’

‘I’m not ambitious like you are.’

‘Oh, darling! Don’t be so hard on yourself. Of course you are. Look at all the clubs you did at school! And that programming module you did last year at uni. Yougot onto this internship programme, didn’t you? I’d say you’re very ambitious. Just like I was at your age, wanting to get stuck into anything and everything –’

‘I mean, not likeyou. I’m not doing this to be selfish, and I’m not doing it without caring what it’s doing to other people. I’m not doing all this stuff just so I can boast about it to everyone and make myself look better than them.’

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