Page 27 of I Dreamt Of You

“How do you even know it was me? It could have been anyone, no, no, no…”

It all feels too much, I can feel myself wanting it to be me he looked for, I want that connection, I want to feel wanted, butat the same time, an overwhelming fear sweeps over me, almost crushing me, clutching my chest in a vice grip, I can’t.What if… what if it all happens again, what if he hurts me… what if he tears me apart just like Glen did? What if... no...my head’s spinning. I can’t focus…

“Are you okay? You’ve gone pale?” I can’t see her, my vision’s clouded, I can’t get enough breath in.

“No, not really, I’m not feeling great, I think I’m going to head home,” my words come out in a rush.

“If you can wait fifteen mins, Dan will give you a lift back...”

“Thank you, but I think the walk will do me good. I’m so sorry… I’m not used to drinking, this is the most I have had in a long time, plus I’ve not eaten since lunch.” My hands are starting to shake, I need to go, I know what’s going to happen and I need to get out here, now.

“Okay, it’s not far, text me when you’re back at the hotel.”

As I stand up to leave, my anxiety hits me on a level I’ve not felt in a long time. I almost died at the hands of a man who I thought loved me. I can’t even entertain the thought of another man in my life, one who wants… more. I’m on the edge, about to fall over, and I can’t stop it..

I lift my hand to wave and head for the front door, holding it together as best I can. I don’t want anyone to see me like this, weak and pathetic. The moment I step outside, the cold air hits me and I realise just how much I’ve had to drink. My head spins and my legs feel weak, I need to go.

I make it a few streets down just before I’m in someone’s garden, stumbling all the way back, supporting myself on the wall as my panic attack gets worse.

It feels like it’s taken me forever to get back to the hotel, no matter how much I try, I can’t calm myself down. I think Mary waves at me from the front desk and I force a smile on my face,heading to the lift hoping for my own sake I don’t see anyone else.

I step out onto the suite floor, my hands are shaking so bad that it’s hard to grab the key card from my purse. The pressure in my chest as my panic rises is so intense, it’s almost crippling. When I walk or rather stumble through the door, it is agonising. All I want to do is hide, go to bed and try to ride it out.

When I look up, I see him standing there in the kitchen, looking at me.

When he steps towards me, I drop to the floor and pray he won’t hurt me, my hands come up to protect me, and I cry.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please don’t hurt me…”

Chapter fourteen

Panic

Jack

“Your stag do is planned and no, I’m not telling you what we’re doing or where we are going.”

“Oh come on, Em will kill me if I don’t tell her where I’m going, or what you have planned for me, is it bad?”

I love tormenting him, he deserves it for marrying my sister. Just the look of slight worry on his face at what I could have planned for him, is worth it. Em knows everything I have planned, but I want him to suffer a little, and she finds it hilarious.

“Really bad, stuff you should only really do when you are single, if Em finds out…well, I’m sure she would be fine with it eventually.”

“Oh fuck, you do realise I’m marrying your sister, you best be fucking with me…” He has been pacing the living room of his house for the last fifteen minutes, trying to think of what I could have planned for him. He has guessed it right a few times, but I’m not letting on; where would be the fun in that?

“Do you honestly think I would put your relationship with my sister on the line, for a stag do?” I’m sitting on their sofa, coffee in hand, watching him pace and enjoying every second of it.

“Right now, this second, I’m not sure, you have the best poker face I have ever seen, you could have booked us all to go to Vegas, with strip clubs, biker bars and god only knows what else, I would never be able to tell”

“Now that’s an idea, biker bars, imagine how much trouble we could get into there!”

“I can’t stand not knowing what is going on, you know I like to be the one who knows everything!”

“Yeah, I know, that’s why we are not telling you.” Laughing now, he settles back down when my phone rings.

“Em, we were just talking about the stag do, he hates not knowing, it’s hilarious to watch, would you be okay, with Vegas, strip clubs and biker bars?” Em chuckles down the phone, and says, only if she can go, and that it sounds like a great stag do, then asks to put her on speaker.

“Dan, if you even step into a biker bar they will eat you for breakfast. But on a more serious note, um can someone pick me up please?”

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