Page 36 of Resisting Desire

I had tried to get Ethan to talk about sleeping arrangements and things the baby would need at the hospital, but he kept putting it off. He kept saying that we could order a bassinet or something. He said it wasn’t a big deal and not to worry about it. He said that he had already ordered some baby supplies, and it was all taken care of.

Now that we are home, I’m hugely worried about it. I’ve never felt so unprepared in my life.

Ethan gently swings the baby carrier and looks at me, his eyes twinkling. “I have it all under control. Let’s put his stuff down in the spare bedroom over here.”

That’s when I notice the smile that Ethan is trying to hide. He’s up to something, and I’m smart enough to guess what it is. I’m betting he already had a crib delivered.

He opens the door to the spare room and steps back.

And I’m thrown into baby wonderland. I inhale sharply as I enter the room, barely able to take it all in. Ethan didn’t just order a crib. He had the room completely designed and decorated. The walls are painted in a soft pastel blue. A custom mural is painted on one wall, surrounding Matthew’s name. Everywhere I look, there is beautiful artwork in pale, soothing colors, showing animals of the jungle. There is even a play area with a small tent, soft baby-safe books, and toys. The open closet is full of an assortment of baby items, most of which I probably don’t even know how to use.

Matthew has everything he could possibly need.

Ethan took care of it.

I can’t help myself. I turn to him, throw myself into his arms, and hug him tightly. This is the nicest surprise I’ve ever gotten from anyone. I’m not a crier, but I sure feel the sting of tears in my eyes.

Ethan chuckles next to my ear. “I’m glad you like it.”

“I love it, and Matthew is going to love it when he visits here.”

Ethan doesn’t respond, and I pull back from the hug. I feel like I said the wrong thing. Surely, Ethan understands that Matthew is going to live with me. That’s what we discussed. It’s already been decided.

“I was hoping we could talk about that,” he says.

I can guess exactly where this is going, and I need to put a stop to it before it starts. “We’ve already talked about this, Ethan. You know I’m moving back to my apartment as soon as possible.”

“People live platonically all the time, Liz! We could try it, maybe just try living here for six months to a year. You can even keep your apartment if you want. I’ll pay the rent on it.”

“A year ago, you didn’t even want to commit to taking me on a date in public. Now, you want me to move in with you? That makes zero sense.”

“Can you please just agree to think about it? You’re staying here for at least a month anyway. We can see how it goes, okay?”

“It’s not going to change my mind.”

“We’ll see,” he says, his eyes shining with determination.

Ethan’s attention is broken when Matthew starts fussing and moving his head back and forth. “Matthew is hungry. I need to feed him,” I tell him, thankful for the interruption.

“You should use the new chair,” he smiles hugely and points to the plush rocker over in the corner. He sure is pleased with himself.

Not that I’ll admit it, but I’m pretty freaking pleased with him, too. He has made a complete turnaround from the Ethan I knew just a month ago. He almost seems excited for the baby. No, not almost. He is very excited for the baby. I’ve never seen someone show so much pride swinging a baby bag around.

And the look of pure joy on his face when he held Matthew for the first time wasalmostenough to make my ovaries want another sweet baby.Almost.

Ugh, these after-baby hormones are making me so sappy.

Ethan unbuckles Matthew from his carrier and hands him to me as I make myself comfortable in the chair. I’m kind of surprised when Ethan pulls up a child-sized chair and sits next to me. He takes hold of Matthew’s tiny fingers and stares at him in awe.

“I love him so much already,” Ethan admits.

I feel my heart swell with those quietly spoken words.

The three of us get into a nice routine over the next two weeks. Well, as much of a routine as you can get into when you have a newborn wreaking havoc on your life.

Matthew cries all night and sleeps all day. He’s hungry every time I sit down to eat. I change his diaper, and he immediately needs another diaper change.

I’ve never known exhaustion like this.

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