Page 100 of Resisting Desire

Ethan looks away from me, and I know I’ve upset him.

His jaw is clenched when he looks back at me, and there is a strained look in his eyes.

“And what about Matthew?” he asks. I hear the quiver in his voice. “We haven’t even talked about him. Have you thought about what this will mean for me and him?”

“What do you mean?” I ask. “He’s coming with me. You’ll still be able to see him whenever you want. I’m not going to keep him from you.”

“Whenever I want? Or whenever it is convenient for you? It’s not like you’re going to be right down the street,” he says in frustration.

“We’ll schedule time. We’ll make it work."

His shoulders tense up. “I need something a little more concrete than that. I don’t expect a fifty-fifty arrangement, but I think he needs to spend time with me here in Manhattan.”

I sit down on the couch and start picking at my fingernails. I’ve thought about how this conversation would go, but I guess I thought he wouldn’t really mind just visiting us every once in a while. I never thought of him taking Matthew away for weeks at a time.

“I didn’t think you’d want him to come stay here with you,” I say softly without looking up. “You’re not going to want a baby here. Who’s going to take care of him?”

“Liz, I love him. He's my son. Like I said, I am not insisting on fifty-fifty, but something like seventy-thirty. And have you thought about holidays? Christmas, birthdays? My family goes on a big trip and does huge parties and celebrations for Christmas. He needs to be a part of that.”

I look up, shocked. “You can’t have him for Christmas and his birthday!”

Ethan sits in the chair opposite where I’m sitting and leans forward. “That’s not how that’s going to work, Liz. He is my child, too. We will have to switch off on holidays. Did you think any of this through when you took that job?”

No. I didn’t think anything through. I was angry, and I made a decision. But I’m sure as hell not going to tell him any of that.

“Of course I did. I just didn’t think you’d be interested in being so involved.”

Ethan looks surprised, and not in a good way. “Not involved? I’ve spent every day of the last few weeks trying to make you see that you and Matthew are important to me. Of course I want to be involved, for fuck's sake.”

Somehow, Matthew managed to fall asleep during our argument. Ethan gets up and goes over to the bassinet. I see him reach down and take Matthew’s tiny fingers into his large hand.

“We need to shelve this conversation for a time when we can both be more rational,” I tell him.

“I’m being completely rational. You chose to move away despite my practically begging you to stay. So, we’ll have a seventy-thirty agreement, and I will get every other holiday. This is nonnegotiable. If I need to have my lawyers draw up a formal contract, we can do that as well.”

The hairs on my neck lift as a chill goes down my back. Suddenly, I can see why Ethan is so effective at his job. His voice is like steel, leaving no room for a comeback. When he says nonnegotiable, I believe it.

“That’s not necessary,” I say heavily. “I’ll work up a schedule we can agree on.”

“See that I have it before the movers come on Friday.”

I swallow hard at his words and the cold look in his eyes. I feel tears gather in my eyes, and I quickly turn away to busy myself with folding Matthew’s laundry waiting for me on the couch.

“I’ll have the schedule by tomorrow.” I try to hide the quiver in my voice, but I fail.

Without another word, Ethan turns and walks out of the condo.

Chapter 27

Liz

It’s been two long, hard weeks since Matthew and I left Manhattan and Ethan. Everything has been so much more difficult than I imagined. My usually calm baby has barely slept since moving, which means I’ve barely slept. I wonder if Matthew’s intuition senses my agitation. And I wonder if he misses Ethan as much as I do.

We’re still living out of boxes. I had an entire week to unpack before starting my new job; however, I barely even got started. I’ve unpacked what we needed immediately, but everything else is still in boxes. Now that I’m working every day and taking care of Matthew, my days are long and exhausting.

After much discussion, I agreed to Ethan’s suggestion of a nanny. By the time we arrived in Syracuse, Ethan already had someone lined up. As much as I fought him, I knew I would need the help and it made sense. Besides, Ethan is Matthew’s father. He’s giving up a lot for me to takethis job. The least I can do is agree to having his son taken care of by a nanny rather than taking him to a childcare center.

Even with the help of a nanny, things have been hard. I start each day at five o’clock in the morning and I don’t get home until six-thirty or seven in the evening. I barely get two hours with my sweet boy, and then it’s his bedtime. Well, it’s his bedtime, but he doesn’t go to sleep. He cries. And I cry.

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