Page 33 of Gingers Can Do Maths

“No,” I say firmly. “I’m not easily distracted.”

Unless it comes to you.

“Oh.” But there’s relief in her voice, like either way she’s happy I’m not around other girls.

“Is that a reason you went to Hortace? You were worried about being around other men?” The jealousy that overtakes me is so damn strong I squeeze my eyes shut for a second before refocusing on her.

For me, there’s only Sin. There’s only ever been Sin.

“Not really men. But distractions in general. Hortace is a small campus. I thought the isolation would help me focus. Help me become smarter, and better so I could’ve done exactly what you said. Resit the exam for Ennox.”

“Did you?”

She shakes her head and a loose curl obscures her face again. I push it away, but once I do, I can’t stop playing with the springy strands.

“Because you doubted yourself?”

“Yes and no. Logically I told myself that was why.”

Just like I did.

“But deep down, it was because I was almost certain you weren’t there.”

“Don’t you think the fact that neither of us wanted to be there without the other says something greater?”

“That it was never truly about Ennox?” she asks sadly and I nod. “But I thought it was. That’s why I lied. I’m so sorry Han. I should’ve just told you the truth, but some of my pride got in the way too. I was so embarrassed.”

“Those dumb comments,” I mutter.

“The comments. Feeling useless and stupid but not wanting everyone to reaffirm the sentiment if I told them I’d failed. Not wanting to hear, ‘I told you so’.But the bigger reason was you. Back then, I really thought it was about Ennox. That it was your dream even more than it was mine.”

“My dream was to be with you.”

“But the physics—”

“Ennox isn’t the only school with a physics department, Sin. Bradley is a prime example.”

In the moonlight, tears shine in her eyes again and I draw her closer to me.

“But everyone would’ve known you settled for another school because of me. I couldn’t let that happen.Again.”

“Sin?” I ask seriously but softly. “Why the fuck do you care so much about what other people think?”

“Because they’re right!” she hiccups. “You shouldn’t have been at our old public school with me to begin with. You’re so smart. So capable.”

“So are you.”

She shakes her head again. “You would’ve resented me if I held you back.”

“I resent myself forever listening to you. For letting you go.”

“Han—”

“Listen to me for once and not everything else everyone’s stuffed into your head. Okay?”

She looks like she’s about to disagree but eventually nods slowly, biting her lip.

“You say I would’ve done all these great things without you. But do you know what I’ve done? I’ve spiralled. Remember when I said I stalked you at Hortace when I realised everything was meaningless without you?”

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